The material presented
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Yesterday my Abf came home after visting one of his friends from work and going to his parents house. I knew that he was at this person's house and knew that he would be drinking before I even talked to him. When he got home I could tell that he had been drinking and just ignored it. I didnt ask and I didn't bring it up but I couldnt bring myself to not feel upset. He could tell I was not happy and keep asking what was wrong and why I was so quite. I just siad nothing and went about my evening not worrying about him. He keep falling asleep watching tv and said that he wasnt. I just asked him to please go to bed but he finally feel asleep on the couch and I just left him there. Today he is sober and his normal self but I really just want to say "I know that you were drinking yesterday" and just leave it at that. I just feel that he needs to know that I can tell or then he will feel that he got away with it and I couldnt tell beacuse it dosent affect him (lol). Should I bring it up?
For me I no longer waste the energy bringing the topic up. My intuition tells me my AH knows I am well aware they were drinking. Progress for me in the program was when I was able to take my hands off others and cease trying to change them. The reality for me was when I would bring up the fact they were drinking, it would be the foundation of an arguement. Pick any topic, it would go downhill from there.
So for me the 5 G's in Alanon really helped me in this circumstance. They are:
Get off their back
Get out of their way
Get on with your life
Get to meetings
Give it to God
I think you handled it beautifully going about your evening and acting as if. What has worked for me is to treat others with kindness and courtesy regardless if they are drinking or not. I know today I dont have to feel it to treat a human being with dignity. I just take the next right action and my HP takes care of the results when I keep my side of the street clean.
yep i agree with the above post- you dont want to try and control something out of your cntrol- but you should say and not deny or enable. unless its one big lie- bring it out in the open is what i say-
I love the 5 G's I have never heard that and I"m writing that down!!
What I have discovered in my world is my need to know the answer to specific questions such as (does he know I know he was drinking) was in direct relationship to my needing to be right and my needing to control (I was going to "make" him see the light .. lol .. that worked .. NOT!). Once I stopped doing those things my AH doesn't lie like he used to (I don't know if he does now or not, I don't look for it, ditto on the drinking it's his issue to deal with not mine), it's really weird it's like the pressure was gone. I had to stop asking questions I already knew the answers to his answers were lies. I also had to stop asking questions that were interpreted as having a "wrong" answer, .. the wrong answer was the truth. If he felt I was going to have a negative reaction the last thing he wanted to do was deal with my reaction soooo .. it was a lie he told. I also stopped over reacting to things that in the big scheme of things really are little even though in my world they felt HUGE!
I will say I know what I know, which is I know my truth, so if I know he's been drinking I'm not going to ask him that, I'm not going to confront him about it, it's his burden to carry. Will I have feelings about it .. oh heck yes, however I have a sponsor and other alanon people I can go and talk things over with before deciding what my next move is maybe I do something maybe I do nothing the point is I don't react to the situation just because I feel like I should.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I am right with Tommye on this one. As she said, if I bring it up, it can become an argument, or turn into a festival of self pity and feeds both of our diseases. When I did those 5 G's that Tommye mentioned, boy oh boy, did things start to get better. And its only been recently to tell you the truth. Because I only just recently started to actually do those 5 G's. I have been going to alanon on and off for over a year, only in the last couple weeks have I actually really and truly worked step 1 (We are powerless over alcohol and our llives had become unmanageable). I am totally powerless over him, and if he chooses to drink, I can treat him with dignity, kindness and compassion. Let it begin with me :) Great job going about your own business, it is hard, but as they say "Fake it til you make it!"
-- Edited by youfoundme on Tuesday 18th of October 2011 02:42:32 PM
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Alcoholics and addicts have hightened sensitivity. They read body language better than most others so chances are above average that he knows and knows that you know even during the denial and lying. Body language is the highest form of communications and why I choose to listen with my eyes rather than as much with my ears.
He already knows so not telling him is like an unimportant missed opportunity (?). The booze doesn't care. It's going to run the whole show anyway until one or both of you cries STOP!! and then does.
By the way...not reacting is a very good form of working STOP!!. Keep coming back cause this works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
I agree with everything that's already been said. I discovered here that it isn't up to me to dish out consequences or judgment for behavior I don't like. It's not my decision whether someone else drinks. Telling someone I'm aware reinforces a belief that I have the answers for someone else's problems. I've discovered here that I don't have the answers for anyone but me. If the other person is an alcoholic, they didn't get away with anything. They already feel guilty and bad. They don't need me to make it even worse.
I think the same thing as you.... "you don't have this over me buddy.. Iknow, don't you treat me like I am an idiot and Idon't know"
It is a hard one to do with love and I still struggle with it but I have only been here a very short time.
I have actually heard my husband tell me that my attitude changes when he smokes, which is interesting because now a days, we don't talk about it very much. But he knows that Ican tell.
He tries to lie about it, to hide it. He is really lying to himself. I can't control it and believe it or not, wanting them to know that we know, is a form of control. hard to believe, but it is true
Changing my body language when my wife had been drinking made a tremendous difference. The difference? I realized my body language was doing more talking that if I actually confronted her. Two years ago when I took the suggestion (from Jerry by the way) I saw immediate results. It was a small change in me. My wife is going to drink. I accept that. By changing my body language, looking her in the eye with a pleasant look on my face when she was talking, paying attention to what she had to say, and showing interest at the same time, I was amazed at the difference in her attitude and mine. I realized I had been treating her as a second class citizen without saying a word. Yes, I had a part in it, and I was the only one being effected. One little change that made my life better.
Thanks you for all support you all show. I'm glad that I found this board I'm going to try to log in everyday even if its just read some post.
How exactly should I respond when he has been drinking? My instincts tell me to basically ignore him. I dont want to be around him or talk to him. When he talks to me I would just give a short simple answer and continue doing what i was doing. If he asked me to do something with him like go somewhere or play video games or anything i just said "no not now". But this just leads to him asking over and over again " Whats wrong?" I just say "nothing" but i really wanna say is....I dont want to be around you right now because you have been drinking.
I want to encourage you to let go of your anger as you respond to your AH, angry silence is punishing silence and that's not the point of ignoring them. You know the infamous what's wrong dear, .. nothing with the silent implied you already know what's wrong, huff. I am just as guilty as the next party of that one ... lol .. I gotta say it didn't work for me.
I try and do something else that keeps me busy and my mind occupied maybe I go to a meeting, read a book, get a cup of coffee with a friend. I do something that doesn't involve me having to be in my head. Sometimes when he asks if I'm upset about something and I say nothing I really do mean just that nothing. The difference is now I can say it with a smile and a wink vs being angry and silent. I do not have to engage in further conversation about it though.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
He came home today and i soon as i seen him i could tell he was on "something" wasn't sure if it was drinking or pain pills. He got a script for pain pills for his tooth the other day and I have been waiting for it to become a problem. I have been keeping an eye on the bottle and he has been doing good only taking what he needed. But today he took the bottle with him.
I said nothing to to him just sat down for a minute. He immediately said whats wrong babe? I said nothing and sat there and watched him for a minute. He started doing the whole getting slow and eyes drifting thing that i have seen one to many times with my dad who has a pill problem. I said "welp im going to to go feed the critters and then I'm going to the barn" got up and left. Came back into the house to tell him i was leaving for the barn (him) "we have to feed the critters" (me) "already did, I'm leaving now" (him)" well I'm coming with you, right?" (me) "alright" The whole time he kept asking what was wrong and i kept saying nothing. He kept saying just talk to me. I kept asking what did he want to talk to about. this went on while I went about feeding my horses and doing my mustangs mane. Finally he said "do you think I have been drinking today?" I just said "I'm not sure but I know that you are not completely sober" He said that he took a few pills because his tooth hurt. I asked "took or snorted?" (him) "snorted one to kill the pain quick took the other" (me) "well that is the difference, you took enough that I can tell, That is not what was subscribed to you" I walked away to the car. He kept wanting me to talk about it. I dont know what there was to discuss. So i just left it alone. He is now downstairs doing whatever by himself. I really dont know how to handle this. I just want to leave it alone but he cant stand it that i am upset with him. This is the 1st time that he has done pills in 2 years.
Hugs, all I can say is it gets easier as we invest more time into ourselves and less time into what they are or are not doing. My AH would feel guilty and immediately start trying to get me to say I was upset so that I was the problem because if I'm upset then that makes it easier for him to do his drinking. It was my fault. I sat in a therapist office as he blamed me for his drinking .. lol. I laugh now I was horrified at first it really hit home how bad things were and how true that if I reacted to his situation then he could use that against me. If i give nothing he has nothing and he has to be accountable to himself and it has nothing to do with me.
Next time he wants to come with you it's ok for him to just stay home .. I need some quiet time, I would like to go alone .. yes is not the only answer. Especially because it sounds like you really weren't ok and really nothing was not wrong.
Hugs, it keeps getting better for us, we have to focus on us and not on the addict. P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Well he just started an argument with me. Saying that i started it because i kept telling him that nothing was wrong. I asked him why did he need to to ask me what is wrong when he already knows the answer? why cant we just leave it alone? He said that if we just leave it alone then it will cause tension between us. Then i told him about Monday and how i just left it alone and nothing happened. He said yeah because he decided to say F* IT. I told him no what happened was you were to messed up to say F* IT and feel asleep. Nothing happened and we were fine the next day. So why ask me what is wrong when you already know the answer and how to fix it? I didn't cause the situation so why get mad at me. He said i always had to be right....dropped it and walked outside.
