The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like I'm growing. Last year my wife's disease progressed to my bottom. We are currently seperated, my wife lives in a condo that we bought together, I live in the familiy house. In addition to the addiction there were also infidelities by her in our marriage, I am not sure how much was related to addiction and how much is just a difference between us on what constitutes honesty in a relationship. We had talked about renting out the condo over the summer, I was O.K. with the idea at first as long as she agreed that it meant we would work on the relationship, but she asked for too much rent to get any serious takers.
After an argument we had a talk where (I thought) we had both agreed that before she moved back in we would go to counseling. Then about 4 weeks ago I found confirmation of an affair she had with another patient from her treatment center, it appeared to be over, but she had been denying it ever happened before that. I was talking about divorce and unbeknownst to me she lowered the rent on her condo and found a renter! Pretty much put me on the spot, so I said no way, although it wasn't without a lot of angst, my kids want her back in the house, I even want her back in the house, but I need to have trust in her in order for that to happen, I even felt guilt as that voice was telling me it could lead to a relapse. I know that I am not responsible for her drinking, but you know that voice is hard to ignore some times even when you know it's wrong.
Anyway, I got grief from her, and sure enough she had a relapse that weekend, and then two weeks after that she also had a binge. I didn't feel responsible, but I did feel sad, but I was also relieved that I had not agreed to let her move back in.
Now we are in counseling, I agreed to the counseling as I am a believer in the family unit and I do honestly care for her, but my feeling at this point is she needs to gain my trust back if we are to try again. I also feel like I need closure on the relationship part of it one way or another. I know what I want in a partner, if we can't learn to fullfill each other's emotional needs then I am ready to move on. I still want her to be active in my kid's lives if she can find recovery, right now we are still friendly and productive with the kids, she has a lot to work out and I am doing my best to keep things stable for my kids. I feel pretty good about my mental state right now and "believe myself" that I have a good and honest perspective on this.
I struggle with similar issues for different reasons. The needs stuff I believe I have to be whole in myself and meet my own needs. I don't need my AH to meet those needs, I DO need him to hear me on what I need. That's what I discovered last week, he may never be able to meet my needs knowing he heard me was huge. I am responsible for my own needs though and he can't fill any holes in me that's my own stuff to work on. Expecting that I can ever get bread at a hardware store is very unfair to both of us, I'm sure he has needs I can't meet because I don't know how to give them. Sure we can work on that stuff together however, .. there may be things we just won't be able to do for each other and that has to be ok.
The trust stuff .. WOW .. that's a biggie, I just do not trust people in general. I used to trust my AH completely and totally it never dawned on me to question him. My AH now, I probably register a 0 still on that scale and the only thing that will change that for me is if he actively works a program of recovery. Having trust in my HP though is HUGE, in a weird way that helps me trust my AH. I dont' know if that makes sense or not, there is something about knowing something bigger than me is watching out for me (I still have free will, I am still responsible for my own actions, something bigger than me has my back and will be there guiding me and holding my hand is a new feeling.) it takes a LOT of pressure off of my AH in the trust stuff. I have to have faith that regardless of what my AH does, drink or not drink that I am going to be ok. While trust is important in a relationship I don't know how that happens while the A is not accepting responsibility for their part in things. For the first time since the DUI my AH apologized to me I mean really apologized to me, not the I'm sorry and let's be done with it already, (dui happened 2 weeks prior and I'm suppose to be over it .. lol, that's not how that works). He acknowledged how hard this year has been on myself and the kids without adding the infamous "but" to the end of that statement. That's pretty big for a guy who really has been in such denial that he believes he did nothing wrong. Those wheels of his are turning and I am forever grateful. If you ask me if I trust him .. I really don't think so right now, maybe .. someday .. that day is not today. It IS going to take time and I don't think anyone can say .. hmm .. a year from now I will just trust my spouse after all of the lies and especially the betrayals.
It really sounds like you have worked hard to get to where you are at and I know for me looking at the past year it's really amazing to sit here and think WOW .. things are SO different in a good way. I am grateful for this board the people here and for alanon, without these tools I would be one hot mess. It would soooo not be pretty, I know how much pain I was in this time last year and how different things are today. I gotta say I am soooo grateful for today.
Thank you for your share it reminds me that as far as I've come, as good as I feel, I still have things I need to work on. Keep up the good work and keep coming back, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Keep believing in yourself. Sending prayers your way. We all have our situations and work our programs differently but we all have a common goal. Sharing your story helps me to remember when I was in your shoes and where I have come to We all can learn something from one another here. I know that sadness you speak of when a spouse lets you down. I use to have all these expectations and use to get down alot. I try having no expectations and sometimes can be pleasantly surprised.
You sound like you are working a great program! Your awareness and boundaries sound good too. Your kids are lucky to have you and I just want to say keep up the great job!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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