The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Like to introduce myself and tell you the current scenario. My elderly mom and I are caring for my dementia dad (post chemo). He wasn't an alcoholic, but he is and has always been emotionally unavailable to everyone accept my mom (in his own limited way). All my love interests have been addicts that were emotionally unavailable. I am single, never married, no children by choice. I have lived next door to my parents for the last 8 years and my relationship with my Dad has always been rocky, but I think it has improved or at least I got to know him a bit better. He never let me in and we never connected, but we have been able to carry a short conversation over the years. Now his dementia makes it hard to have any conversation. We have the usual issues like trouble getting him to eat, drink and goto the bathroom. He still HAS to smoke. In the last month he's gone from 20 cigarettes to 6 per day. I have always hated his smoking and swore I would never roll them for him. The last two nights I have been rolling him 6 for each day. My questions are where do the Ala-Non rules and steps apply in preparing for my qualifiers death? Am I being a doormat/martyr in some of my actions? And I'm giving my mom all the space I can. We are trying to give him the most respectful care. My brother and two sisters are not in contact with him at all. Has anyone else cared for their qualifier at the end? And dementia: he's like a totally different person 80% of the time (nice, timid, confused). But he does revert back to the quick dry mean wit occasionally. I have no idea how to categorize this topic. Thanks for reading. :)
Welcome to MIP. I am so glad you found us here. I myself do not have experience with caring for a parent who is dying. I am sure there are quite a few others on this board who can share some experience, strenght and hope on this topic.
So please stay awhile and get to know us better. I appreciate the opportunity to welcome you as this is a wonderful place.
It is a very gracious and noble that you and your Moms are united in caring for your Dad in his last days and striving to make his last days filled with kindness and respect.
Al anon tools taught me how to be a truly kind, compassionate, understanding, empathic, loving person without abandoning myself and being a martyr. I learned to first :
Focus on myself, my intrinsic needs
Live One Day at a Time
Pray
Breaking the Isolation by attending Face to Face meetings in the community
Stop gossiping, criticism, and judging
Live in the NOW and let go of the Past
Al anon tools take time to develop and will enrich us slowly on our Journey . The only requirement for membership is that there is a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend. Many people are not aware of the disease in their lives. Denial in many families keep it hidden. If you attend meetings and they feel right keep going back You are worth it.
You are doing something honorable. You are mistaken in thinking "He HAS to smoke." He's addicted and he will be grouchy as hell if he doesn't smoke....and he doesn't want to quit...
Thank you! I am fortunate to have a terrific homegroup, but no sponsor as of yet. I've been attending meetings for about 3 years. Last week was my first meeting back in a few months since Dad's decline. I'm back to working the steps and "thinking healthy".
Pinkchip,
Thanks, I appreciate your reply. You are correct....I have imagined how his last days would play out for years, but it never ceases to surprise does it? Life is a challenge like that :)
Sounds like you are working a good program and have great awareness! Keep up the great job! Take care of yourself too! Sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
He maybe in need of hopice services, If he is terminal and not expected to live more tnan 6 months. It is really a God send service, there is a whole team of medical staff provided to help you in your home with your love one. Ask your Dr. for a referral......With love ...Ruby!
Thanks for bringing us this topic. I also have an elderly sick father but I do not live near him. Thank you Betty for you wise words. I am okay with him passing if it is him time. And I am sad for the traumatic situations I was exposed to. I use breathing techniques to work through restimulation of trauma and focus on the present moment where I am safe.
Glad you found us and have had the courage to share. We have on line meetings here 2xs a day and a 24/7 chat. Please keep coming back and sharing the journey.
