The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tonight, I really needed a meeting, and there wasn't one nearby. I wound up driving half an hour to another town, but it was worth it... I heard something I really needed to hear -- "when you compare your rough inside to somebody else's polished outside, you always come out on the bottom". And she was right. That is definitely a big glitch in my thinking. (I am beginning to see advantages to cross-talk meetings)
After the meeting, I was still thinking about this, and I realized that for me the barrier between inside and outside has been trampled so many times I just assume everybody sees through it. I grew up in a family with very little privacy. Even now that I live on my own, I've still been afraid to keep a journal, My family comes to visit, and someone might "find" it and look, or borrow my computer and snoop into a filie while they were on it...
But I work with computers for a living, and today I realized the blindingly obvious -- I can make a secure, encrypted journal and never have to worry about someone reading it. Admittedly, the security measures I've chosen are a bit overkill (if I ever forget my password, it would take a very powerful computer and about 200 years to get it back), but it makes me feel safe committing my innermost thoughts to writing, something I haven't done since I was about twelve!
Good move! I use Google docs for my online journal. I sometimes will copy and paste helpful ESH from this board too. It's also a good place to vent when I'm feeling upset and need to put my energy into written over spoken words. Very helpful part of my recovery.
Since a movie will never be made about my life, a journal may be the next best thing.
By journaling I have better retention of my thoughts. Reading back can give a progress report too. Also putting my thoughts down lets me reread the first draft to see if the thinking is clear and how to express myself better.
Most often the entries are short reminders.
Recent entries: "Everything that brings awareness is good"
"If I shoot from the hip, I better be a good aim"
"It is always good to throw someone a rope. You don't have to be the one pulling the other end and fall in. Sometimes it is best to let them climb out by themselves."
How I act and how I react are 2 different things What fires do I start and when do I throw wood on anothers fire
To reread these entries and look for progress or stagnation seems helpful.
atheos: I feel kind of like this: what if someone finds my journals when I am gone! I actually think that when I die, it might reflect on what can of person I am. I am very nervous about it but really, do I need to focus on something that is possibly way in the future? Sometimes I think I have "crazy" thinking! I hope that this doesn't come across as crazy! Just saying, that's how I feel!
I started keeping a journal about a month ago and OMG I feel so much better! I get to get things I can't normally say off my chest. It lifted a huge weight off of my chest!
