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Post Info TOPIC: reacting to others that "trigger" fear in me


Senior Member

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reacting to others that "trigger" fear in me


I will bring this up at alanon face to face - I haven't found a sponsor yet. But I'm having a terrible time with being triggered by others.  I know I'm responsible for how I react but it's really becoming overwhelming.
 
My spouse and I have been separated for 14 months and have discussed having a trial back in the same house.  When I did agree to it 2 weeks ago he suddenly changed his mind and said noway.  He reacted out of fear he says.
 
Then he went away on a trip that he had planned for a couple of years.  A bunch of guys together learning about medical aid under gunfire etc (he's an accountant).  He likes that sort of thing. 
 
 
My spouse came back from a trip all hyped up and on a mental high from his experience and thinking that everything was back on track.  Friday, before his return, he texted me and asked our daughter I wanted to go to dinner Saturday night.  I had already made plans for she and I to meet a friend at a movie.  He immediately got irritible and upset that I had made plans on the night of his return as if it was to be some grand welcome home.  Of course, idiot me, buckled and canceled my plans.  Why, why do I do that???  He was away doing what he wanted for a week having a good time and I just wanted one night with a friend.
 
Of course that night he was so exhausted from his trip he was nasty and snippy to both me and our daughter.  We went on a halloween decoration site seeing trip with is brother and sister in law.  He even made our daughter cry over something silly.  It was mostly exhaustion I know but not fair to her.  I didn't stand up for her because I didn't want to start a scene. I hate confrontation
 
Sunday he asked if we could talk soon to know where we stand etc.  I said Tuesday would be best for me because I needed to go to an alanon meeting for me.  He agreed and said that was fine.  Then that night started texting me to tell him which way was I leaning towards in regards to our trial..  I said I wasn't feeling well and honestly everytime we try he either walks away or calls it off.  I reminded him that we agreed to speak on Tuesday.
 
So today, Monday he started in again. He wanted to know what I was thinking.  I am overwhelmed at work right now and it was during working hours.  I told him, politely, that I was swamped and could we please stick to talking on Tuesday as we had agreed.  He kept pushing.  He said if we're not going to talk about getting back on track then there's nothing to talk about.  So I blew a gasket and said I'm done - it's obvious I can't meet your need right now so lets just call it quits, when I honestly I still wanted to have that conversation with him on Tuesday but I didn't know what else to do.
 
He then blames me for not being focused as he needed to be on his trip and all he heard about was others talking about how they can't wait to get home to their families and all he's done is waited for 14 months.
 
I never asked him to wait - he has chosen to.  There have been times we've tried to be together and something triggers him and he leaves.
 
How do I deal with the times he triggers me and I respond out of what I feel and need and NOT out of fear. 


-- Edited by amills4294 on Monday 17th of October 2011 04:13:26 PM

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Veteran Member

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Excellent question. When my husband says something that triggers me, I can feel the anxiety starting in my stomach and rise to my chest and face. The feeling is so uncomfortable that I respond, trying to make the situation better and alleviate the feeling. I'm starting to see though that it is never better when I respond in this manner. It might get rid of that feeling in the pit of my stomach but the situation often gets out of control. So right now I'm trying to be very purposeful when I speak. I'm doing the whole say what I mean, mean what I say thing. I'm trying to think before I speak. And when I feel that anxiety now, I try to make peace with it a bit and then give it to my HP. I can't handle it on my own.
Thank HP for those face to face meetings though!

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Cupcake - grateful to the program :)



~*Service Worker*~

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Well hugs Amills,

First off feelings aren't facts, they will change and they are neither right or wrong. They are a snap shot of what we are at in that present given moment so reacting on feelings to me isn't the best place to be starting. At least that's true for me.

What is your head saying to you? What do you want not in your heart in your head? When the head and the heart align that to me is my higher power speaking to me.

From what I read you laid down some really great boundaries about what you wanted and he chose not to listen. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. I find that if I'm unsure how to respond especially if it's a text message sending ONE message is enough and then not responding is the best answer for me. Usually when we repeat things we are looking to control the situation vs really stating what we need or feel. We are trying to manipulate someone to do what we want. I'm saying "we" thinking about your h's behavior.

Stepping away from a heated situation by reading, reaching out to an alanon friend or just saying the serenity prayer is the best way to get our center back and not react to a given situation. I try and use the saying someone near and dear used to say, be an actor not a reactor. It took me a lot of years to get what that meant. When I stop myself from reacting to a situation I am better prepared to remain calm and really know what I think about something vs just saying what pops up in my head.

Hugs and good luck, P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo



~*Service Worker*~

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I am not sure exactly how to help with this one... but I think you have done a great job so far in asking him to wait until Tuesday.
He pushed and you stood your ground. You reiterated it nicely and not nasty (from what I can work out in these lines).

Well done so far I say....

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Linda - a work in progress



~*Service Worker*~

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Aloha Amills...what I do is use the "off" button on the phone after trying nicely to say..."Gotta go...have a good one."   It really works.  I get to stay in control of my life without any negative feelings or reactions both of which use to be like fish hooks that kept me being reeled into a person I didn't want to talk with, at a time I didn't want to talk to them on a subject I didn't want to talk about for the moment.

Go figure...all of my phones have an "off" button.    Practice, Practice, Practice.

(((((hugs))))) smile



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Senior Member

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Thank you all. Jerry - thank you for the laugh I needed it. I know there's an "off" button - I do use it but then the ol' fear of abandonment jumps in. But what the hell am I so afraid of? That's what I can't seem to realize. Afraid of not having constant turmoil? Afraid of having some peace in my life? Afraid that no one will love me? All BS. I have struggled with this for so long - I just need to take the leap - the leap FOR ME... to TAKE CARE OF ME!... the shouting is not at you it's my trying to make me hear myself. I'm working on it.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1594
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Getting a sponsor for me was key in determining what I really wanted and needed in my life.  Together with my sponsor I was able to have a honest reflection of the relationships with those around me.  Working the steps and doing what my sponsor asked me to do was key for me to uncover, discover, and discard the garbage of the past and start from a new beginning.

There is such a thing as asking someone to be your temporary sponsor in the program.  When sharing in meetings often newcomers who are looking for sponsorship will say that asking if someone could talk to them after the meeting.  If that sounds like a good idea, then give it a shot.   Take what you like and leave the rest.

Best,



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