The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been reading, and reading, going back through the many pages of posting. My schedule is so crazy that finding a face to face meeting just doesn't seem possible at this time, but I keep checking to see if I can find one that I could go to.
I'm starting to see a pattern, every time I speak about the positive changes, and how things are starting to improve, something happens and I feel knocked down all over again. Example, my dog. My AH has been jealous of my dog from the start in fact when we first started dating I broke up with him because I said he would never be able to accept my JB. He said to give him a chance that he could come around. We got married and JB and I moved. The first bad fight happened within that first week regarding JB who had freaked out about being left alone in the kitchen gated in b/c AH was trying to be nice and not make him go back in his crate. JB tore up beads hanging in the kitchen door and my husband was livid, he was so incredibly angry and it spiralled quickly and the worst part it was our weekend to have his daughter so she was in the house during all of it.
Changes started to happen and it seemed that there was a truce formed between AH and JB. AH allowed JB to have his own chair in the living room and a few weeks ago when AH was sick with a stomach bug he still took JB out for a quick walk. I work 3 nights out of a week plus a full time job so I can't be there and I've expressed to AH that I need his help and he has really stepped up and helped me.
Yesterday I went to lunch with a friend, and AH agreed that it was fine for JB to be left out of the crate. He went to take a shower and JB left a puddle in the floor b/c he wasn't taken out before the shower. So when AH got out of the shower and found the puddle he was angry and rubbed JB's nose in it. Everything I've ever read says not to do this so I haven't. I'm sure there were angry words being used, and my dog felt attacked and he fought back and bit my AH's hands. Then my dog was thrown in his crate and left in a dark room with no music playing.
Before I got married I read all kinds of books on how to make a marriage work. Then after we got married I read all kinds of books on communication and how to make it work. I have really sought to do everything I can to make the situation better. I've even worked with JB on behavior since my AH is not a dog person. Yesterdays situation really upset me. AH believes that JB is completely and totally at fault. What he fails to understand is that my dog felt attacked and threatened and was treated in a way he has never, in his entire life, been treated before. So while I'm sorry that he has dog bites on his hands I also feel very badly for my JB.
I called my vet and told the story and then I called my parents and that is where JB is for a few days. I listened as AH talked about how sore his hands are and did not say anything one way or the other. I was terrified for my puppy and I know that if I even try to talk to AH about what he did wrong I'm going to hear that I love JB more than him and that a dog is a dog and it will just start a disagreement.
I know I can't control, can't change and can't cure and I'm just praying that my AH has a change of heart towards my JB.
I think there is a little bit of 2 steps forward 3 back because we begin to do things a little differently than we used to. I know for me when I go backwards and provided I'm working my program then I'm more able to take more steps forward than backwards. I don't know if that makes sense or not. It's like my brain is trying to catch up to my heart or vise versa I need time to rethink what I'm doing that is working and what has not.
I've got nothing as far as your dog goes outside of it sounds like he has some sense as to how he likes to be treated, I don't know of any animal who is not going to retaliate in that particular situation. For me a package deal is a package deal, it really is going to come down to how you feel about your marriage and how you feel about your dog. I'm hearing in your post he's asking you to choose. I have no idea how to put that into program words, plus I'm headed towards the slippery slope of advice giving and that's not what I need to be doing.
In support,
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I appreciate the support!! I came here looking for what to do and quickly realized that advice giving isn't what this is all about. Information is shared and I can take what I can from it. It's a slippery slope I realize because I've read a few where I wanted to very quickly shoot off my opinion but I can't tell someone else what to do since that falls under the "trying to control" category in some ways.
Right now I'm just praying for heart change, I've seen so much and been so thankful and I still have hope that this can ultimately have a positive outcome. I'm thankful for parents he provide lots of TLC for JB.
My schedule is so crazy that finding a face to face meeting just doesn't seem possible at this time
Hi Jackie.... sorry you're having a tough time, and it sounds like you are pretty frustrated with everything..... in all honesty (and without judgement), your statement that I copied above says it all.....
I would venture that if you had a broken arm, you would make time/effort to go to the doctor...... if you had a broken washing machine, you would make time/effort to get a repairman in..... but right now, you have a broken life/everything/daytodayworld - and yet you're not finding time to get it "fixed".....
Al-Anon isn't a quick fix, per se, but I can pretty much guarantee that it will be well worth your effort in attending...
I wish you well
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
This is a tough situation. I have experience in one part of it. I read so many books in an effort to make my marriage a good one. I have a shelf longer than my arm of all the books. But my ex-AH wasn't interested in being the other half of the equation. I went to a therapist and basically said, "I'm trying as hard as I can to put all the advice into practice, but it's not working -- things are getting worse, not better." She said, "One person can't 'do' the whole marriage." It takes two people, both working from their sides. My ex-AH wasn't interested in changing his side of things. So then the question was: could I be okay with the way things were, if his side of it stayed the same? The answer will be different for everyone. But when you mentioned that you read all those books, I remember desperately reading my shelf of books, trying so hard to make things change.
