The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He came home from fishing. He rang when he was on his way in.. I was at lunch with a friend. I didn't get home until about another hour.
I quite obviously disturbed their afternoon as he friend came out and opened the gate for me with a bong in his hand. My husband appeared a few minutes later. Stoned and smashed out of his eyeballs.
I gave him a kiss, said hello and promptly went up to my dogs a read a book. About 20 minutes later he tried to talk to me, I answered him politely and continued to read but refused to engage further. He is now passed out on the lounge.
I looked at his pot drawer and yep... I knew the answer anyway.. his mate has given him a pile of the 'real' stuff.
I just feel sick. I am trying to deep breathing. I am talking to my HP and wondering what the hell this is all about... why is this happening to me.. what have I done:????
stop it linda... I am going to got to bed (its only 5pm) and maybe in the morning I wil see it all clearly ......
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Getting some rest and taking care of yourself sounds like a good choice.
It was very hard for me to accept that things weren't going to change. Sometimes if I don't catch myself I still find myself daydreaming that he's going to say, "You know, you were so right about my being addicted ... thank goodness I realized I had to go into recovery... " etc. etc. This is 8 years after we split up. He's stil doing all his addictions. I'm pretty sure he'll continue them for the rest of his life. After all, they're a problem for me, not for him. What he's lost because of them doesn't really seem to matter that much to him compared with the call of the addiction. But it's still hard for me to get my mind around how blind he is to the insanity. I know it, but part of me still finds it mind-boggling.
It sounds as if you still have some of those hopes or even expectations that something will change. Their attachment to their addiction is as strong as our attachment to them. That's one reason we need support so much. Keep on taking good care of yourself.
One of the things I've been working on is accepting uncertainty. I have always tried to cope by thinking I can control things and make life predictable.
I am learning that all that strategy does is make me very tired...and when I believe the illusion that life will be as I want it to be...and that I have a part in controlling it...when things go wrong...then I immediately feel responsible. It is a lie.
I heard that thread in your post "what did I DO?" the answer NOTHING. It is out of your control, and you are not responsible.
Accept that life is random, out of your control, and that you did not CAUSE the bad things that happen.
Believe in your OWN resiliency, and that no matter what fate throws at you..you are a worthy, wonderful human miracle.
Linda, Sorry i don't have any words of wisdom. You can get through this though with your HP. You know that saying about being able to stand anything for 12 hours that if you thought was a lifetime, you couldn't?Remind yourself that this too will pass.
Oh you did nothing wrong. The three C's - can't cause, control, or cure come to mind. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though!
Sometimes I've joked to my friends about finding an isolated spot, shaking my fist in the air, and shouting, " WHYYYYYYYYY?!" just like the old cliche. For some reason, even threatening to do that makes me smile in a silly way no matter how sad I truly feel. Maybe because it's so true that we're not alone in feeling that way.
Big hugs and here's to your serenity however you find it. xo!
rara avis
ps: take care of yourself reading my note, because remember, I'm dangerous.
Hi Linda - where your posts speak to me is remembering when I first delved into Al-anon/AA - the happy, naive hope I had that, now that the problem and solution have been identified - we should have clear sailing. Um, yeah well, didn't work that way because - I can do all the Al-anon/Co-Dependent stuff I want, I can do it 24/7 if I choose but until HE chooses recovery for himself, well, its like trying to live on a budget with one person saving while the other spends, doesn't work. IF I was able to live with him in his disease, I would have tried but he becomes verbally abusive at the slightest cause magnified by alcohol and I won't live that way, he refuses to even consider anymore beer's effect on him and our relationship - he can go drink beer and he never has problems unless I'm involved so I must be the problem, right?
The question to ask yourself is: Can you live with and accept yours as a pot-smoker exactly the way he is right now for the rest of your life? He is NOT going to change, can you live with it, love him, get enough from the relationship the way it is?
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
It's not personal, .. it's not you, this is his burden to bare and it's a heavy load.
This statement that LMH said .. "The question to ask yourself is: Can you live with and accept yours as a pot-smoker exactly the way he is right now for the rest of your life? He is NOT going to change, can you live with it, love him, get enough from the relationship the way it is?"
I go back to this a lot with my AH, no matter what his reality IS (drinking or not) he is an addict and I have to decide (daily) if that is something I am willing to accept about him. Today I can accept that he's an addict, granted he's dry at the moment, he IS an addict and I can't live in denial about that. Living in denial is depriving me of the tools I need to cope on a daily basis with my situation. It is his issue and I have to detach from his issue and work on myself and look at my reactions to the situation. I can't control what my AH is going to do or not do, I can change me and I have to accept the part I can't change.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Im not sure if it is healthy thinking or not, but right now I do not want to talk to him, look at him, engage with him. Iwould like topretend that this does not exist in my life and that there is not a pile of pot sitting in my bedroom.
Last night, when he woke up for 5 minutes and looked me, I asked if he 'got any' from his mate, he said "yeah a little bit, why/" I just replied, what part of "i don't want this in my life do you not get" He just moaned and rolled over and went backto sleep.
I can guarantee he is waiting for me to have a heart to heart discussion, and to talk about the why he did it and put my view forward again etc.... I am refusing to do so. I will not engage with it this time. I plan to ignore it and continue on with my life as if it does not exist.
This morning Iwrote a note that read "I looked, I wanted to see what 'a little bit' looked like." and I left it on his stash pot in his drawer.
He came home from his first job and we gave a cordial hello to each other, he went for a shower. He has never done that before, he usually makes a cup of coffee as his routine, so I know he is avoiding me.
All I said to him was to ask if he still intended to come out to dinner with my tonight with a friend as we had previously arranged. He said yes but then had to ask the place and time again. I told him and I left for work.
I have decided that I will not give up/devote my Saturdays to his sporting career (I usually attend the event for moral support) and I will find something else to do on Saturdays... it just so happens there is a step meeting on a Saturday afternoon. Perhaps I will go. Perhaps I will stay home and do some of my study. I have no idea. If I want to go to his event, then I will. But no longer will I devote my time to him.
I feel very hard and totally unloving at this point in time. Perhaps I will soften in time, but right now, I would like to totally disassociate from this. I have disassociated most of my life. I was hoping to move past that trait that I do not like as it only makes things worse in the long run I think.
rehprof's Dad had a great piece of suggestion...it translates to what my sponsor also taught me for a slogan..."when in doubt...don't" also he gave me another "Don't react!!"....When the alcoholic/addict wasn't living up to my expectations..."Don't Re...."
Hi , again Linda, I didn't mean to give the impression that you have to decide and act NOW - I like "when in doubt, do nothing". Your relationship does not sound like what I lived through, yelling and fighting, anger and hatred, etc. I could not live with him as the kind of person he became when he drank and he wouldn't give up drinking.
I have to say, yours sounds like a pretty good relationship except for the addiction bothering you. Do you think you can use Al-anon tools to learn to live in peace with it as some do?
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
You know my vote for Saturdays is go to that meeting, it's your decision and you will know when you are ready to make that first meeting. It really does make a difference. I also know what it means not to be ready to walk through those doors as well, and I wasn't ready even after a 3rd DUI it still took another 3 months for me to make open those doors. Whatever you choose to do on Saturday do something for YOU!
I also agree "Don't just do something, sit there!!" It's a quote from C2C. Sometimes it is just better to do nothing until we get clarity of focus of what is my motivation for wanting to make this decision.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have decided that I will not give up/devote my Saturdays to his sporting career (I usually attend the event for moral support) and I will find something else to do on Saturdays... it just so happens there is a step meeting on a Saturday afternoon. Perhaps I will go. Perhaps I will stay home and do some of my study. I have no idea. If I want to go to his event, then I will. But no longer will I devote my time to him
hoor ray....only pain and hurt has got you to this point and its the point where you should be at- even though you dont want to leave him and the thought feels painful- you can no longer be in this victim mode its too much. its being victimised my it. even though he smokes pot he could spend a saturday with you- he acts very selfish- time to take back some power and not be in this continual cycle of him doing this to you. did you have parents who drank- was it not a good child hood? because someitmes being treated badly is second nature- when you dont really know any different. i am just wondering if this is the case with you- as it was the case with me. dysfunction was the norm.
You know, I didn't want to go to meetings either, and did, then didn't and then did again. When I went the last time, I finally found that having a sponsor in real time is what I needed to get through the tough times. Times like when he would be drinking or using and I would want to pull my hair out, I could call her and have her words to bring me back to earth. Recently, she helped me with living in the now and in reality. And no, like the others said, you don't have to decide today, or tomorrow. You can decide to take it a day at a time and accept things, yourself and him right where you are at. Meetings can and will help, taking that next right step for you can help. With love, detach...let go and let God
-- Edited by youfoundme on Monday 17th of October 2011 12:42:37 PM
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Rosielee, could I please suggest that you read my bio to avoid the necessity for me to retype it here. Yes my Dad is in AA.
At the moment I am still refusing to speak about the fishing trip or the pot. In my mind I have disassociated at this point. I even feel that floaty feeling that we get at that point. I am not sure if its healthy, but its where I am at.
