"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

mdkm0726 · Member

Intoxicated Daughter with 3 young kids

rosielee · Senior Member

theres nothing i can say really o help-i am a single mum and i went through problems when my sn was young and i just got thrugh it- im sure she will too as her children will be a strong motivating factor- i know a family whos kids were taken off them and shipped out to relatives- eventually- after a coupld of years the couple gt themselves re-housed and got themselves a job and the kids were allowed to move back. i think in most cases people work through their problems and come out the other side- everyone i know who had serious habits are now all off the serious stuff and are in AA etc and are living the good life. in many cases people get throgh it- is there a re-hab placement for her? good luck xxxxx

mdkm0726 · Member

Thanks for your insight. It helps knowing others have been there and made through to the other side. I want to pay her electric bill but I know it will just keep happening so I'm standing strong. My hearts breaking for the kids. I pray to HP to take care of them. I hope for the kids sake it's not a long process to the other side. This daughter has 6 kids and 3 of them are already living with other relatives. There is noone else to care for these 3 still in her care. Their father and his family are not capable of caring for them either. Thanks for your words...they are helpful

rrib · Senior Member

mdkm0726 wrote:
I want to pay her electric bill but I know it will just keep happening so I'm standing strong.

It's hard. But you are doing the right thing by not enabling her.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Debbie... just wanted to offer encouragement and support.....Al-Anon can help you sort out all the difficult things you are trying to process right now..... I'm afraid I have NO idea what you should or shouldn't do - it gets very complex, when young children are involved.... Please keep coming back, and read great literature which will help you.... "Getting Them Sober" volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews - was literally a lifesaver for me, and she has also written a book - "Getting Your Children Sober", which is more specifically for your situation....

Those kids are defenseless, so sometimes our 'rules' aren't quite as clearly black or white.....

I wish you well

Tom

mdkm0726 · Member

Thanks for the replies and suggested literature. I'll give it a try. My problem is what to do about the kids. Your right it's not clear.

Thanks

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a very worrying situation, and what to do about those poor kids would trouble anyone. I think the next step might depend on whether there's someone in the family who could care for them. I'm guessing that the dad is not in the picture and/or is not a suitable person to raise them either. Is there a chance you'd be able to raise them? Or is there another family member who could take them in? If you had lots of time, resources, and the ability, this might be a time to consult a lawyer about obtaining custody. However, many of us don't have the appropriate time and resources. Reporting the situation without anyone in your family to take them might well get them put in the foster care system. This can be okay but often it is not, and I'd want to make very sure the results would be okay before going that route. (However, if their lives might be in danger, that would be another matter.) I wonder if a local social worker might be available to advise further on how this kind of thing works in your community.

If there is no one suitable to take over full-time custody, I think in your shoes that I would do as much for the kids as I could without unnecessarily enabling their mother's addiction. I'd try to forge strong bonds with them so they know someone's in their corner. I'd look for what they need and try to buy them warm jackets and things for winter, shoes etc. if their mother doesn't, even if those things come from Goodwill. I'd have them to stay as much as I could do while retaining my sanity. I'd listen to their thoughts about their lives and be supportive.

The studies show that the difference between kids in difficult situations who make it and kids who don't -- what they call "resilience" -- is having someone steady they can rely on, even if they don't see that person all the time. Just one supportive person who believes in them can make a huge difference.

I hope you can get to meetings too -- no one should have to go through these things alone.

mdkm0726 · Member

Wow..thanks Mattie. I'm not in the position to take care of the children. I am currently residing with my son and his family. I take the children occasionly but it's tough since there are already 2 children in the home and a 3rd that we take every other weekend. She has 3 other older children that are already living with other family members. Child protection has been involved with her since the twins were born but no long time intervention. Her father was her protector and enabler until this spring when he passed away. My ex-husband tried to protect her and now things are real bad since his passing. She pulled back from me..I have very little contact now.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

There are resources to pay her power bill. She has to go find them.

Also if she is an addict the kids may be drug affected. FAS. if so they could possibly get SSI.

This is horrible. For the kids safety, sadly they may be better off in a foster home. I HATE saying that.

It's bound to happen sooner or later. I wish I could help.

Are you involved in a congregation who might have ideas?

love,debilyn

kris10 · Senior Member

Social services, salvation army, lutherain social services, bridges for hope, even local churches all have funding to help pay for bills in emergencys like this.. But i agree that SHE should be the one respinsible to make the calling and get this done.. I have to although disagree that "it will happen sooner or later" (foster care) its hard being a single mom.. Plus just loosing her father.. Wow.. Id be a wreck too.. Maybe counseling could help her out?? Even if she wont go to a rehab program.. Maybe just counseling to help with her loss????

Ruby · Veteran Member

Dear MDKM, I had wrote a long note, but I clicked the wrong button and it's somewhere in cyber space. I will make this short, my dr. is also A/A and has a 6 yo. dr. thank God her father is keeping her now. What about school? Are they going to school? The last time her PGE was turned off I refused to help and she had used up the community resources, so she and some of her A/A friends stayed in the hot apt. until she was able to get it back on. I had to call CPS when my granddr. was 3or4 my dr was staying up at night and sleeping most of the day with my granddr, running around unsupervised, I stressed over it before I did it, they didn,t remove her because they said they could'nt prove she was neglected. I was prepared tp keep her if they had removed her, but I wanted it to go through the system before I committed to keeping her I didn't have to because her father came back into the picture.....When I finally learned (still learning) to turn things over to God and get out of His way, things get better, This stuff with kids and grandkids is really hard. I hope you don't mind I said a prayer for you and your love ones.....with love..Ruby!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Kris when one is an active addict, their disease gets worse and worse. At some point as the disease cont. and those kids do not get the care they need, something is going to happen.

When addiction is the primary problem it does no good to go to counseling or anything. An active addict is not someone who can listen or express. They are affected by whatever drug they are on. It's like asking someone who has a broken arm to pick up a weight.

I was a widow with two babies, raised them alone eighteen years. Worked full time to support them and went back to college when they were older. I know how hard it is but I also know I was not an addict.

An active addict cannot ever take care of themselves. When they are on a program, they ofter work hard on taking care of a plant!

Their brain is sick, they are very sick. These kids are the first priority in my experience. A drunk mother or father is not able to care for them.This gal needs help and so do those kids.

mdkm0726 · Member

My daughter still has no electric. I have called dfs and still no intervention. My daughter has not been staying in the home but everyone is looking for her and can not find her. I had an officer call to inquire as to her location but i dont think he believed that i did not know. he said dfs had asked him to check on the kids. a cat has been left in the home. I don't know how long the cat has been unattended. its sad. The agencies have her phone number and the phone is active. Maybe tomorrow will bring some changes. My anxiety is building through the weekend. It's tough to let go and let God. Thanks for everyones responses...It helps to know I'm not alone.

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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"