The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Things have been going so much better these past few days. I have found support and wisdom through this board (thank you all!) and my ftf meetings and have begun to feel stronger in my belief that I need to focus on me and my children's future and lives as we move forward with or without my AH. I was feeling more optimistic and peaceful than I have in many days, really beginning to believe that I cannot make my husband want to choose recovery and his family over his addictions and that safety for me is taking care of myself.
And then I get an email from him today, a response to one I sent him over some financial issues, and some of his response defaulted to Chinese characters (he is currently involved in an internet relationship with a woman from China), and I am instantly transported back to feeling rejected, hopeless and obsessed with him. Why do I still want to be with him after he has so blatently demonstrated that he wants nothing to do with his past life of 23 + years? Why can't I believe in my own recovery when faced with this? If this is my HP at work in trying to get me to "face the truth", then why must it hurt so much? I question the progress I have made...maybe I am just focusing on myself so that my AH will "wake up" and finally get what he is giving up? Am I just fooling myself?
I'm trying to believe that this too will pass, that I will feel better tomorrow, that this ache in my heart will lessen; I know this is true. How can I love this man and let him go and still wish for a future together?
It hurts. All of it hurts: the lies, the alcoholism, the infidelities. I've described it as feeling like I've been punched in the chest.
The ways of my recovery seem illogical to me: focus on myself, work my program, take my inventory. I find myself screaming, "Bbbbbut, what about AH? How can I leave behind a drowning man?"
If I am going to survive and be healthy for my children and for me, I have to work on my recovery. I only know that as I work on me, I feel better. I like feeling better, so I work on my recovery some more.
I want my AH to know the same serenity I have discovered. I don't know if he will ever find it. I do still love him. The thing I forgot was how to love myself. I'm learning that now.
It is going to be better in the morning, .. I don't know what it is about the rejection issue. That is a strong one for me, love me, hate me, treat me like dirt, just please don't leave me. Anything is better than having someone reject me.
It gets less as you get better, (I still have a long way to go on that one I know I will get there and it DOES get better). I agree with the previous post is working on YOU is what will help it get better. 23 years is a LONG time to live in a disease and it's not going to happen over night, it does happen one day at a time.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks to both of you...your wisdom means so much! VVT, I agree that when I focus on me, I feel better...that physical pain in my chest lessens and I begin to feel some hope. Your description of being punched in the chest is exactly how I feel too! Focusing on my kids has helped me when I can't seem to do it for myself. Thanks for those words P, it does feel better in the morning - thanks for that reinforcement. Also thank you for the reminder that I have been in a sick relationship a long time and that it won't happen overnight. As I do my inventory, impatience is definitely one of my shortcomings! I am so grateful for this community!
Hi Silent.... one great tool for examining your current relationship - both in terms of "what it is", as well as "what you aspire to" - is to go Google "toxic love"..... You will find an eye-opening list of a comparison between "true love" and "toxic love"..... I've used it many times over....
Hope that helps
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you, Tom, that is truly eye opening. I see myself in much of what is on that "toxix love" list. I have a lot to think about and I need to learn to be patient with myself through all these changes!
I wanted to add something too, there is a great book if you haven't read it try the library or amazon.com Co Dependency No More, Melodie Beattie, .. great read really put things into perspective for me when it comes to dealing with my self esteem issues as well as what my real views on what a relationship is suppose to be and what it really is .. it really did make a difference in my own healing.
There are exercises at the back of each chapter it's a great way to really take a look at yourself without it being overwhelming.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
