5th step troubles - Al-Anon Family Group

kris10 · Senior Member

5th step troubles

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Any chance you are reading Alanon's blue book, How Alanon Works or Pathways to Recovery? That helps a LOT as well as working with a sponsor on the 4th step, the 5th step falls into place. I don't know if you have a sponsor or what your outline to your own program is. Working with a sponsor in the 4th and 5th step is key. I know I couldn't do any of the steps without someone else holding my hand.

Just remember you didn't get like this over night and you aren't going to fix it over night and there will be things that you will discover you don't like, however turns out they can be used as character assets.

Plus there is a difference between apologizing and making amends. I find that in apologizing I am taking 100% of the responsibility of the issue in making an amends I am only owning what my part IS it is strictly about MY behavior in the situation without doing a JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). If 80% is my part then I only need to own 80%, if 1% is my part I only need to own 1%. It's only about MY behavior in a situation vs taking it all on.

I fully appreciate what you mean when you say you see things in your mom that you are acting out with, .. it happens. The best part is at least you can be aware of the behavior and correct it as it happens. I know I have times many where I have to shut my mouth and really listen to someone vs interrupting my mom does that one too. I also don't have to have an answer for every single situation sometimes the answer is I don't know, or what do you think.

Hugs, P :)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Kris,

Wow can I identify with all that you shared. I too was perfect and knew All the answers. Thanks to HP and al anon Steps, I was able to see my PART .Owning it was hard but very , very important. The 6th Step helped me become ready to shed these destructive tools,by enabling me to see them in action and offering alternate behavior and then the 7th Step turned to removal over to HP. You are doing fine.

The Steps work Keep on keeping on.

Thanks for your message of recovery.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Okay...great discovery and grateful that you brought the discovery here so that we can get on it ourselves however the 5th also states that we bring it before the God of our understanding and our sponsor. If I didn't do that part of the 5th I'd have drug myself out into the center of the empty lot and put myself out of my freeking misery immediately. HP and my sponsor bring in the need of unconditional love and understanding so that I would not be left with the horror of my thoughts, feelings, actions and negative spirit. I'm powerless and lack experience with this recovery process so I'm the worse person to do my 5th with alone...I was apalled at my imperfections.

The 5th needed to have a caveat with it for me when I first attempted it..."Do not attempt alone!!"

You're forgiven as is your Mom and everyone else who have practiced this insanity in all our affairs....((((hugs)))) smile

rrib · Senior Member

Ah - the 4th and 5th steps. It's hard not to have some kind of spiritual awakening after doing this little writing chore.

Knowledge is empowerment. Congratulations!

kris10 · Senior Member

I am only doing this online here and i have the book paths to recovery that im doing my step work from.. I do not have a sponsor because im not able to go to meetings. I havent really did the 5th step yet... (told anyone) I didnt have this awakening until i read and went threw the questions in my book about step 5.. So i believe now that this has happened i think i am going to reread and really think about my answers to my 4th step... Really make sure i see MY PART in it before i share..... I think after realizing all this about myself im pretty hell bent on figuring this out... Gosh how could i not have seen myself for sooo long??? Ha now i get it when (threw the years) people have told me i always have to be right.. Mostly past relationships and the one im in now.... Holy moly!!! THEY ARE RIGHT..

kris10 · Senior Member

Also feeling very spiritual (i am not a very spiritual person) about my A. Ive always believed everything happened for a reason and been very strongly coneccted with my A... Thank god he came into my life!!! Addictions, problems , and all!!! If id never been threw this I'd never have came to the program to find out what I've found out (even this far).. I would have never known and there fore never got the chance to make myself better!!!!!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Remember....this is the same thing others go through when doing the steps. You are not finding out anything about yourself that nobody else hasn't done before or nobody else has acted that way. Not that it's a competition, but you probably come off looking like mother theresa comparing your 4th step to mine. Also, you gotta remember that there are positives to all of those character defects. Wanting things your way has a positive side in that it can make you determined and hard working....

This is all meant to keep things in balance.

rrib · Senior Member

kris10 wrote:
im not able to go to meetings.

When I started in recovery, I drove 25 miles/day to attend A.A. meetings because I was absolutly desperate. I lived out in the country 1/2 way between 2 small towns - populations 700 and 1200.

It didn't even occur to me there might be meetings locally. Almost a year later, I found out there were A.A. and Al-Anon meetings in both towns. Friday night in one and Sunday afternoons in the other. And another meeting literally at the end of my street (3 farms down the road) where there was a minimum security prison. One of those 'country club' places were they send drunk drivers who end up causing a death.

You might want to check out these links from the Al-Anon.org web site.

Minnesota North Web site: www.minnesotanorth-al-anon.org

Minnesota South Web site: www.minnesotasouth-al-anon.org

kris10 · Senior Member

I know where and when the meetings are.. Thats not the problem. I have agoraphobia about crouds and anxiety disorder so that is what stops me from going.. Thanks though

Doozy · Senior Member

Hi kris10, just wanted to send a little note of encouragement. It sounds like you are having some major breakthroughs for yourself and a lot of wonderful awareness! I'm working steps 1-4 right now and having some similar experiences. It's definitely not easy, but i do keep feeling better and stronger as i go. Keep it up! :)

kris10 · Senior Member

Thanks!! Everyone!

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

I am working the 4th and 5th steps right now with my sponsor and it is very eye opening indeed. I would never tell you to leave your A and I don't believe anyone in an Al-anon meeting would either. Have you read "Getting Them Sober" by toby Rice Drews or "Codpendent No More" by Melody Beattie, both great books. Keep up the great awareness!

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

How Alanon Works and Paths to Recovery are good alanon books to read. But for me, I cant fix my broken thinking with my own broken thinking. That is why having a face to face sponsor is so important to walk us through the process.

I have have the great pleasure of sponsoring many wonderful women over the years. I think I have heard just about everything in a 5th step with the only exception being homocide. In general when the fear of staying the same is greater than the fear of change, then it is time to do something different.

In support,

T

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

kris10... we are alot alike. wow. I am 27... i tried to control everything and everyone around me.. i got it from my mom and I too am grateful I met my husband who is an addict/alcoholic. i am even thankful that his friend called him out in front of me and a big group of people at his other friend's memorial service who od'ed... it was horrific.. and embarrassing and I wanted to fall to my knees and die.. but if he had not done that than I would not be here.. on this site.. going to meeting, reading literature, reading shares from someone like you who is so much like me. God finds a way and we are all on our own path. I did not know for a year he was using because God did not want me to see it yet, maybe i could not handle it yet, not sure.. but that moment was too coincidental and I know now that there is a reason. I am still working on my resentment and anger toward my husband but i get teary eyed when I think of how lucky i feel to have met him because i am not not in denial any longer about the toxic things i was doing to myself. I would have to know everything and be right about everything. I would put my nose into business that was not mine and would get so frustrated when people did thigs the "wrong" way... I would even watch over my husband as if he was a child... did you brush your teeth? why are you eating all that candy? why do youy have to text when you drive? how many cigarettes have you smoked today? and all that energy wasted.. stress.. i caused that to myself because I had no idea that i had no control. i dont have any control over anything.. accept myself. so now I am working on accepting that and allowing things to just flow around me. I throw my arms over my head and relax because its in my higher power's hands. i trust him. And as for my husband.. he is #1 on step 8... i plan to make it up to him now by allowing him to be an adult and his own person.... we are on separate pathes that just happen to overlap from time to time.

So proud of you, kris10, for admitting your faults... i hope you get a sponor to help you. Good luck and Ill be thinking of you and sending peace and serenity between me to you!

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