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I am thinking it may be because of hormones but also, maybe I am not feeling very 'safe'. I do not trust anyone in my life to allow anyone close enough to allow me to feel
What I want right now, is someone to hold me tight while I cry and rock and bawl my eyes out and scream out that life isn't fair and how much I hate all the 'stuff' that goes on in my head and heart sometimes. I want a warm touch and someone to give me the feeling that everything will be ok.
My husband can do that at times, but that has reduced since he is back smoking because that complete trust that everything WILL be ok has gone. He still does have that ability at times if I allow him past my wall. Thing is anyway... he has gone fishing and I am home alone.
I have friends. My whole life I have kept everyone at a distance and there is NOONE of my friends I would allow that close to me. ONe friend has seen me this low and she freaks out a little and doesn't know what to do. That is the not the energy I need, I don't need a cuddle out of fear.
I guess what I want is that type of cuddle Mum could give when we are very little and have fallen off our bike. Well... I imagine thats the kind that Mum would give. I don't remember ever feeling that way from any of my care givers/family. LIfe was way too chaotic to ever feel that safety.
so... I have no one to go to because I have never allowed anyone to fill that role for me. It has always been my partners in life and even then.... none of them have ever understood WHY I sometimes feel like this.
HOw could they understand when I don't understand either.
What usually happens when I feel like this>???? I usually start an argument. I am sullen and I am cranky so my husband just leaves me alone to 'get over it'.
I asked him for a cuddle and I got it (before he went fishing) and I started to cry. He said it will all be fine. He thinks it is becasue I am upset he isgoing fishing on his only time off that we could spend together. That is such a small part of it.
HOw do I explain I am feeling so sorry for myself right now I want to go to the psych ward (just joking). How do I tell himwhen I think of all the 'stuff' I have allowed to have happen in my life I feel like a piece of dogvomit.
Anyway.... thanks Jerry for the message.. take it easy on myself. I am not too sure how to do that. Coupled wiht bloody female hormones.....
I plan on.. now that I have vented.. sitting on my lounge wiht my miniature long haired chihuahua's reading a book and maybe watching some TV. I may pop out to a friend for a take away meal for dinner.... then take a valium and go to sleep. Or maybe some of his passionflower that he plans to smoke.
I plan to turn this to a positive, I know I will come out the other end, this too shall pass...
Can I ask.. what do others do when these dark thoughts come in. I plan on doing a gratitude list but how do I stop this from coming again next time.... does it ever stop??
Well, I'm in the same place as you are today. Feeling the same way. I went for a walk by myself, I sat outside on the porch by myself, and now I'm on here. I have lost 3 pounds in the past 2 days and haven't been sleeping. I wish I had answers for you. I have the same issue with friends and with asking for a hug or for comfort. I know my AH will do it for me but I feel like I'm guilting him into it because I'm usually crying over something that's happened between us. And, just recently I have been opening up to a few friends who I know are trustworthy but I haven't opened up to them before now. It's been really a needed thing for me. My one friend who I met this AM looked me in the eye and she spoke these words, "You are not alone". It was totally what I needed to hear because that's all I've felt: alone. It's amazing what a few minor words will do for you. I hope you find some comfort tonight.
Hi Linda, I get busy doing something I have put off for a while. That's what I do when I'm feeling low. I also mind what my sugar intake is; sugar takes me up, but then it crashes me back down. And, I noticed a remarkable drop in hormonal blues when I dropped my sugar intake significantly.
Sometimes I just drive into town and wander the aisles of the second hand stores. The act of disconnecting from everything to just wander and look at what they have brings me peace. Also, I've been painting a building, volunteer, when I can and its wonderful to disconnect from everything else to just do the job, do it well, have it look good, etc. releases my pent up angst. just what I do - do you do any artistic stuff? I'm sorry you're blue.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I'm sorry you're feeling this way, but also I'm encouraged to know that I'm not the only one.
One thing I try to do is to remind myself that I won't always feel this way. It feels as if it will never end, but it does. I know this from previous episodes. It may come back, but then it will end again too.
When I feel like this, I hate hate hate going out to be with friends. But then after I do, I feel better. There's that thing of "social contagion" where we "catch" the feelings of others, and if they're feeling pretty good, we get some of it too. That's if we feel comfortable around them. And we're not made to live alone. Too much being alone can get us so we brood and start a downward spiral. In some traditional cultures, people always have someone around. Our Western cultures are really unusual in the degree of isolation many people live in. It helps to break it sometimes.
I think people also underestimate how touch helps. Sometimes pets help: you can hug them, and they walk on you! They sit on you. Little kids who are unself-conscious about hugging you help too. Or a massage. I really do think we get out of kilter when we don't get caring touch enough.
A good therapist can help with the gloomy thought patterns I get into if I'm not careful. Combine that with a massage and that's a pretty encouraging afternoon. I think learning what each one of us needs to take care of ourselves is a process. The first thing is acknowledging that there are needs that aren't being met. It sounds as if you've started the process.
Linda, I totally hear you and I bet lots of others feel this way too. I think everyone has those times when we really need comfort, but theres no one there. Those of us on this board have been through a lot, some a hell of a lot, that makes it so hard to open up, trust, rely on others, be honest and authentic, and we have so many emotions to process!
One crucial thing I've been working on is those 2nd and 3rd steps where I reconnected with my faith and a belief that a higher power can bring me health and peace of mind, and I'm trying more and more to turn my life over to my higher power and invest in developing my spirituality. Those times when you really want to cry and wail and need support but no one is there, I think those are perfect times to pray and meditate with your truest self and higher power to gain the wisdom and strength you need. Of course, we can also use all the resources out there, reaching out and seeking help, trusting and opening up to safe, supportive people. That can all help us get through those tough times and help us grow.
I don't think these low times ever really stop happening. Days like these pms days are part of life, but we can change how we react and think about these days. I try not to blame myself or judge myself. I just label it one of those bad days with hormonal emotions. It's ok to feel down and sad, maybe we're supposed to be feeling those feelings and learning from them. I try to eat and sleep well and not expect too much from myself, and I keep reminding myself I will feel better and back to normal in a few days! Hope some of that might help! These are the things that help me :) Doozy
Well, its now half past seven at night.... I am feeling a little better.... hormones are starting to mellow out a tad...
I still feel hurt that he decided to go fishing instead of spending some time with me.... but... he is entitled to spend his spare time how he sees fit... I will ensure another weekend, on the rare occassion we get a full weekend.. will be spent with me.
On the other front... my thoughts and feelings from my past... I still don't really know what to do with those. At times I just get so low. I am not sure what to do with it when it comes on me...... I want to somehow work through them so they go away...I am not sure where to start or how to do it. I have tried therapy but the two I tried even said I stumped them and they had no more ideas for me.
I absolutely understand where you are coming from and what you are saying for me the whole control thing is a safety issue. If I have control then I "feel" safe when I don't have control I absolutely do not "feel" (emotionally, physically and so on) safe. Ditto on the trust issue as well, when I am not feeling that I can trust anyone then that's where I get into some big trouble on getting into my pity party (this is me) and not being able to verbalize what I need. I was just there and some was a total HHALT. Hormonal, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.
What I'm trying to learn to do is tell my AH how I am feeling without the expectation that he is going to be able to do anything OR maybe I don't want him to do anything except hear me. This past week when I was dealing with the emotional low I was going through, I finally spit out what I was trying to say somehow I was able to do it in a way where he didn't feel I needed something from him. The best thing happened when I stated how I felt (there were I feel insecure, I feel scared, I feel that I can't trust anyone, at the same time I let him know the issue was mine) he sat and just heard me. He validated what I felt by just listening to me, I got no snarky comments (in the past it's been your crazy, your complicated, you have issues (that's a DUH don't we all .. lol). He's not perfect, I'm not perfect I have to accept all of him what he can give me what he can't and decide if that's something I can live with, he has the same decision to make as well. Can he accept me complicated and all? If I lock him out emotionally because I"m angry then I'm not doing anyone any good especially me.
Something else I did that is a big no no when I am in that mode I isolated .. THAT is something I am learning I just can't do. If I am already feeling lonely and then go further by not going to a meeting or avoiding people when they call and so on. I so wish you felt like you could go to a face to face meeting because that's where you will get what you are looking for the understanding and it's face to face not over the internet. Because an internet hug and understanding just isn't the same as a face to face one.
Hugs P :)
PS .. lol .. I so apologize if none of this makes any sense I'm reading this without my glasses at the moment and NO coffee!! I've lost my mind at the moment typing and NO coffee!!!
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My therapist told me to focus on everything I though I absolutely needed from another person and try to come up with ways to give it to myself. This was easier said than done and I'm still working on it. The self-soothing ability develops from having consistent, loving, and stable parents. The voice of one's parents then becomes internalized and we are able to give the soothing that we received as a baby or small child to ourself. So it's pretty obvious where this discomfort and difficulty with self-soothing comes from for you.....being ACOA. Sounds like you are learning to deal with it as best as possible. Increased self-care and standing back and treating yourself how you would treat a friend who was saying or feeling the same things as you is a good measure.
Getting a sponsor, and working all the steps, cleared up the wreckage of my past. Now I can talk about my past, the pain, the loss, the sadness but no longer feel the anger and sadness connected to the events.
Prayer and mediation each day assured me I was not alone and the hugs from HP spread thru my entire body and soul and made me know I was truly loved and being taken care of.
Please keep coming back these tools work.
Today's reading in the Courage to Change Page 289 does say it all.
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 15th of October 2011 09:10:16 AM
When I feel like this I call my sponsor or an alanon friend. That tool of picking up the phone helps so much. If I don't, I sit on the pity pot too ling and get sick sick sick. If no one answers I read alanon literature or come on here and search for posts on how I feel. I answer other posts and that gets me out of my own head. Take care of you...
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 15th of October 2011 09:08:53 AM
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I know this might sound weird but sometimes I hug myself. I'm just looking for that feeling sometimes and I don't always get that from my AH (using this term for ease because who knows if he is an A, he drinks too much but whether that means.....oh whatever, anyway) Sometimes I give myself my own comforting hugs. Curling up with a tea and a good book or going for a walk can help too. Sometimes I can fall into self pity thinking "I want some comfort. He's my husband. He should comfort me." But then I try to stop that and think I want comfort but it doesn't have to come from him. i can give it to myself and if I pray, good ole HP can give it to me too. Thanks
Cupcake, welcome to the message boards! Just wanted to add that when you use the term AH, I feel the same way. My AH may not actually be an A, but I have a problem with him when he drinks too much and we've had problems in the past because of his drinking. So, no worries about whatever you call him, we get it. After 15 years of sobriety I am having trouble adjusting to his drinking again and even if he has 1, I get tense. Unfortunately, he usually doesn't stop at 1 or 2 anyway. I am new to all of this and love coming here and reading how others cope and you made a great point about the self pity thing. Last night I EXPECTED my husband to ask for forgiveness for something instead of his half a**ed 'I'm sorry'. I woke up this morning full of depression and frustration because he didn't meet my expectations during our conversation. I realize now that I have to let go of these expectations and move on. Something I read here about expectations, can't remember who posted it, though: Expectations are premeditated resentments. I've got to keep that in mind!
I'm sorry you are feeling down. Your post reminds me how I used to feel before I began developing a relationship with my HP. I used to turn to my husband and other people for comfort and assurance. Now, I turn to my HP.
I've found that reading spirituality books that reasonate with me has helped tremendously. The Al-Anon literature reinforces what these books teach.
I haven't gotten a sponsor yet because I haven't found anyone that I gel with yet. Actually, I think I have trust issues. However, I did get to know myself very well while I was in therapy with a competent psychologist; I trusted him so much and felt so accepted by him that I was able to unload my "stuff" and he helped me sift through it. I went for years. enough about that.....
It's all a process. Give yourself credit. You're not out trying to run away from the pain. You're acknowledging it. That has to happen before anything else.
There are different paths to trust and security. Ask your HP for the way. In time, if you're quiet enough, you'll hear the answers. For me, they don't come all at once. I think that would blow my mind.
Take care sweet lady. Take good care
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Saturday 15th of October 2011 09:45:19 AM
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Due to the time difference, I missed half of these until this morning. I actually did sleep.
I can feel the cloud lifting. It wasn't so much I was feeling lonely... I would have felt most of those even if he were here, but it was an extra thing that he decided to 'abandon' me (I do not mean that in the melodramatic way it sounds), and I really felt like I must be unloveworthy.
For some reason... I forgot my HP and the spirits I have walking with me. When I did remember them later in the evening, I got the hug I wanted. I stopped crying. I could think far more logically. (also sometimes I can feel the hormonal cloud lift). What reminded me????? I walked out my front yard to lock my gate. The clouds were coming alive... there was blanket lightning behind the clouds and it was beatiful, no thunder, just flashes of bright light moving in the sky, it was like a fireworks nights... it was isolated to a small portion of the sky. It lit up bright as day. I remember the awsome power of the universe, the universal energies that make that kind of thing happen. Then I remembered it was National (or internatinal I am not sure) light a candle day... for lost babies... I hadn't put a candle on for my daughter yet and I had intended to. The universe reminded me by lighting up the clouds. I walked back upstairs, put on the candle and sat with my (in spirit) daughter. I ordered PIzza and a big bottle of sprite....
I watched Ghost Whisperer.. not the best choice in hindsight.. I got a bit spooked.. but it was fun.... I went to bed and watched TV for a few hours and played on my phone and downloaded some apps and had a girly night ... my and my spirits. I have drank that much sprite I think I stayed awake hahahahaha.
I didn't miss my husband (I do not put the A infront of that because primarily he is my husband and I do not want to label), I knew I wouldnt' miss him.. it was more the feeling of being abandoned. There is always something more important than me (in my mind anyway) andhe just reinforced that.
Today... I have woken up after a few hours sleep... I feel calm and serene adn ready for my day. I still feel that he is being horrendously selfish wiht his decision, and I agree that I have to get a hobby and stop giving himn so much of my time in support of his professional career. I am there at every sporting event he participates in, I give up my Saturdays for his support and to be his moral support team. And what does he do... first time he gets an arvo off.. he is off with his mates out fishing... bloody typical Aussie selfish ... rah rah rah....
anyhoooooo.... today, I am off out to have lunch with a friend who is off to Germany for six months.
I think learning what each one of us needs to take care of ourselves is a process. The first thing is acknowledging that there are needs that aren't being met. It sounds as if you've started the process.