this is the run down- my mum has borderline personality disorder with narcissistic traits- i committed the cardinal sin of forgetting her birthday.she phone up to tell me i had forgotten- but as narcissists do- she put loads of emotional baggage onto me and it was the tip of the iceberg as several times she had stropped and di things to make me feel a heel- and it feels like im always the wounded soldier. so i had to make a stand...i stopped contact- didnt answer her calls and she rung and rung and i didnt answer. i thought- why should i- we will go down the same cycle......in and out of favour....nice and nasty.....emotional wounding. but this was hard- (also her narcissism was getting out of proportion- she showed no interest in anyone and used me and my son as listening ear and an audience all the time- which is ok, but after a while- there feels no investment in the relation ship) so all this came to a head...but in the month i wouldnt take her calls- ive not been well- wracked with guilt- feeling her illness like a weight on me- feeling responsible for not being able to take it on my shulders. but most of all feeling a heel, because as a narcissist she has come from not being able to be in the same roon with someone without hitting them- to over coming a lot. its just the emtional wunding to m anipulate and the complete self absorption was quite bad this year. but not as bad to warrant me cutting her off to be honest.

i trawled the internet, and read a LOT...about emotional vampires....evil intent....how there is no hope for bordeerlines.....a lot has been written by people venting in a negative period and feeling overwhelmed by the illness.

anyway she rung again- tonite...and i just had to answer...the guilt had consumed me- i couldnt see her cold face in my mind but her vulnerable self and it was destrooying me. so i answered and she said..."oh good- you cashed the cheque i see"  (as not cashing it would infer that she was using money as a manipulating tool- me cashing it- was giving her the benefi of the doubt - and as she has come on in some ways....i think what i did was a good decision)

then she said "I missed you today"

trust me...this doesnt come out of a self obsessed persons mouth very often. and it really does show someone who has come on- thought a lot and it wasnt showing narcissistic rage.....trying to rage me into submission. it was honest and open communication

and straight away i rewarded this by saying "I missed you too"

which is equally a big thing to say to a borderline person...as yu only have to browse the ineternet to learn very qickly they dont get missed and they cause a nightmare

infact...i was so chuffd she said it- i said it back twice- just so she could get the message she was valued- for who she is- for the work shes done and acceptance of who she is.

and she said "oh thankyou!" surprised...then she spoke to my son and they arranged a meet up in the hal term hols- which is super great as this means she will get something to lookforward.

and no- this wasnt stockholm symdrome- loving your abuser- but accepting and loving a deeply flawed person. and may i just give myself a huge pat on the back and say that my support and loyalty to her allowed her to step out of the borderline habit and act normal for a bit. borderline stems from low self esteem and abandonment and it was good that thugh she was unhappy during my detachment- she didnt freak out to the extent that she lost her mind and went completely narcissistic rage on me.

and she was the one that phoned me.....not me doing my duty and subservience and phoning her for approval etc.

it is recovery..and it shows that the borderline person mustnt freak out too much about their faults....becasue this i why they dont get therapy- as they know they act bad and they dont want to face it- this shows the borderline person that if they do the work on themselves- its not such a big deal...that people like me- yes we are bitter about past treatment and yes huge damage has been done...but there is this thing that many of us hold- and its a trying to stick with someone however bad they get.

hey look- its down to personal choice, im old enough to make my own mind up and to know what i am doing. shes bad, yes she is very sick sometimes...well all of the time..but not bad enough to desert....all of this low contact to zero contact with the narcissist is the only way forward.

yes the illness is bad.....its really deep and ingrained. but there is a way forward.

i also reserve the right to have a complete rant and moan in future though-lol, as guaranteed it will wind me up...and yes- we will spend the time tgether aand she will spend the whole time talking about herself and not have a two way healthy thing. but sometimes you just have to let someone be nutty- as long as its not damaging to you, so long as shes no mind bending me and playing games...then i think being a strain and being self obsessed and using money as leverage and to pay for self obsessed time....well yoou know...just let it all go and accept someone for who they are...so long as they arent causing too much havoc...a littl4e havoc is ok.

i know thats controversial....but i think she has recovered as far as she can now- shes getting old and i in no way could handle the thought of me turning my back on her...it would not be healthy for me. this way we both get to heal and move forward- even if it does mean that i still get wounds picked open from time to time- i am man enough to take it- its the best of a bad deal and with this illness there is NO prfect solution. this is the best solution i feel

i still reserve the right to rant and moan about things when i need to-lol

thanks fr listening

rosie