My ah haaa moment came when I watched the video that is inside the link that is posted at the top of this board NOT the one that says "video" but the one above it.

It looks like this....

STICKY: Why Alcoholism is "categorized/listed" as a disease by AMA (explained)

(Preview

That helped me understand why he can't "love" me the way I wanted to be loved.

basically the cause and effect part of the brain is seperated from the decision making part .. or something like that... bottom line he just can't do it...so I'm going to the hardware store for bread over and over and over and never finding any....

You seem to be where I have been so it's hard not to reach back to you so much. 

What is in your best interest... what is your motivation for wanting "another chance" another chance to "fix" it by chance??

another chance to try to build something that can not be built with an alcoholic?

Why not take a little time and get better before you try to be with anyone...make sure your brain is operating in your best interest???

Please remember the 3 'C's You did not cause it, you CAN NOT CURE IT, and you can not control it!

I know you have been waiting all day for his call, maybe you won't get it and that will be your opportunity to "re group" your thinking. 

Please consider right now getting up and doing something (little if need be) something just for you, a hot bath, a good book, exercise a walk, a diet soda and a walk... or make a list of things that make you happy, things your grateful for.. anything something just for you.

IF you don't get a call please consider taking that as your higher power's way of protecting you and NOT as rejection from him,,,remember his drinking is likely the first thing on his mind,, do you honestly think he's a totally new man with this new person? really,,, nope he's the same guy .... I promise!!!  

What I was told is as long as they are actively drinking (no matter if they are drinking at that moment or not) as long as they are not in recovery for  a good while they can not "feel" not like we do. 

I felt like I was more responsible for hurting me than he was when I realized that when I worry and fret over him I am actually showing more love to the disease of alcoholism than I am showing love to myself...or even to my higher power who wants better for me.

We beg and plede for them to stop drinking because we know it's best for them and we love them all the while allowing ourselves to not do what is best for us.... we are just as addicted,,, an alcoholic has to make the choice with their brain before their heart and soul will ever want to stop drinking.

We have to make the choice with our brain not to be addicted to them even when our heart and soul still are....for me eventually bit by bit (with many back steps and restarts) my heart and soul are catching up a bit with the decision my brain made.

And yes my situation is similar in that I asked him to leave, then ask him to return, he said no (I believe he figured out I was never going to stop asking him to stop drinking) or maybe he determined it would be easier or better to start over with someone who might not know as much about the pain the drinking would cause.. She will eventually,  it doesn't matter as long as he is still drinking that relationship would equal only pain to anyone in it! 

I struggled with wanting to save face after that,, didn't know how to do that...so I finally let it go and was able to stop worrying about if I had saved face or rather not been the "dumped one"  with him or what he thought of me and sincerely I promise you NOW I can talk to him or see him without that overwhelming desire to beg him for us to try again....OH I could let myself go there,,, but I don't. I was a slow learner and may still have relapses but I did learn how good it feels to really accept that as he is he is not a "catch" and I deserve better. 

Now I know he wonders "what's up" and I like that!

I try to look at is as (even though I am not yet really ready to move on) any time I spent with him in that manner would only set back the clock on the time I may need to be ready for another relationship. 

Of course at my age... not sure I really need or want one,, but if that is my higher power's plan for me I am only getting in the way by reaching out in any emotionally romantic way to my ex A.... AND If there was some crazy chance that we would ever want to be together again I also believe I would be greatly setting the clock back to be discussing this with my ex A now when he is still not sober or in a program..

My Higher Power knows how to deal with this better than I do and if I stay out of the way he will.. 

OH by the way I also think my ex A may have some new gal (younger and prettier, I've seen pictures (long story ) doesn't matter---but I know your situation.

I have seen the "long term" side of an alcoholic finding someone who they want to stay with who totally supports their desire to drink, get sick, say and do really "wrong" things... this man died recently with all his horrible baggage and pain... I don't wish to ever be that person in that relationship...so right now for me there is no good reason for my brain to want him back,,, as for my heart I suppose it has learned some really bad habits over the years and I have to reteach it what it truely deserves....

I wish for you just one taste of the "high" from loving yourself first and most,I think what I wish for you is time.. time changes things when we let our higher power be in charge I promise this to you with all my heart .. then the strength to want that peace in your heart bad enough to do what is best for you step by step each day!!!!

More (((hugs)))

-- Edited by glad on Thursday 13th of October 2011 06:27:02 PM