Addiction wins again - Al-Anon Family Group

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

Addiction wins again

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs to you! I'm sorry that your planned vacation doesn't seem to be going 'as planned'. My AH and I are supposed to be going on a vacation next week for his work. He qualified for a sales incentive trip to Nevis and we leave next Tues. I don't even want to go. Everyone will be drinking and partying and I hate having my AH exposed to it. He'll just join in and I'll sit on the sidelines like a bump on a log and people left wondering, "What's her problem?"

I really am sorry. It's hardest for the kids, I think, especially when they get old enough to know what's going on!

rosielee · Senior Member

yep- its pretty bad alright. so are you not doing the camping then? could you not go n your own with your kids and enjoy it anyway?

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs VVT,

It's a beautiful thought to know that while addiction is so much bigger and stronger than us it is not bigger or stronger than our HP. It is still your weekend to make with whatever you choose to do.

Hugs to you, P :)

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

Thanks, everyone, for your replies. There are reasons why I am standing firm and telling my AH that this is a family trip with family meaning him, me and the kids. There is a reason I am not taking over the trip and doing it on my own. The decision was not a reaction: it was a careful consideration using my program and my support resources.

I know I can do trips with the kids on my own. I have before. I know I could do this trip on my own with the kids. I could make it happen.

The background info: AH promised the kids this weekend trip. He said he would handle everything to make it happen. I suspect, though, I can't confirm, the trip was promised during a blackout. Or, at the very least, it was promised without any consideration of things on the calendar--his work schedule and other family activities. Now, AH has told me he can't do the family trip because of a business trip. His proposal was to have me take the kids and then he would stop by the next day and have lunch with us on his way out of town on this business trip. My pattern in the past has been to accept and do as I am told. This time I am saying no. I am saying I will not make a family trip happen on my own. AH backing out on being a part of the trip is not acceptable to me and I do not have to accept the unacceptable.

There is a history and a pattern to this behavior that this time I am standing up and saying no to.

rrib · Senior Member

Very Very Tired wrote:
and I do not have to accept the unacceptable.

True. Sounds like you set a reasonable boundry and stuck to it.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

My experience is, if they go, they ruin it for everyone. I have friends who have cabins etc. we AH and I went to stay at one on the beach for a week end. It was horrible. He stayed in the living room and watched movies. Never came to bed, never walked to the beach with me.

Did I learn? no. Was a beautiful day, I was driving us home from the store or ? I said hey lets go drive to the mountains. I just kept going. Was beautiful. He says, I wish I enjoyed doing this like I used to. Alcoholism took that all away. Even on program, he no longer enjoyed anything. Part was brain damage from a brain surgery too.

The point is it does no good to try to control them. I do see what you mean, but sadly it is sorta backwards manipulation. "YOU are going, we are going, period, I don't care if you are miserable or not!"

So if you go and it is awful, who loses? The kids. They would MUCH rather go with a happy mom than what you are trying to make happen. Plus if you do not go, then two parents are not there for them.

The A only sees what they see, they are very brain sick people. He is not going to see it as a non A will!! There is no "addiction" wins. NO one wins. He is sick with a horrible disease! Its nothing worth getting mad at,stomping our feet, threatening, forcing things etc. If it was cancer in his brain making him act like this would you choose the behavior you have?

My experience is until we learn it is a disease, we are fighting against something that is insane to fight with, brick wall, stopping a river, changing the weather, a raging bull, a car who's battery is unhooked, a faucet that won't run becuz the water is shut off. It's all MOOT. We are pushing against a HUGE bolder that will NEVER move.

It is a hard concept. Knowing to BELIEVING is huge! Once I realized I believed my AH was sick, I felt a huge weight off me. I let go,I didn't try anymore. I changed me. We stayed home. We built things together, we did the burning, fed the animals, brushed the horses, sat on the recliner and held hands and watched tv.

Made a HUGE difference. And I was very ok with it. All I really wanted was to be with him.

You guys can play board games, put the tent up outside, go for day trips if he feels comfy with that. They do not like to be out of their comfort zones. What if they need more alcohol? where would they get it, how would they hide drinking it?

So we need to go into their comfort zone.Go for ice cream, go feed ducks, fly kites, The kids don't care, they just want to spend time with him. If you don't make a big deal of things they won't either.

Dad cooks night, Dad cooks with one of the kids at a time. Mom stuff too.

When we live with a sick person, we have to work with them more. If people researched what addiction does to people they would hopefully understand how very horrible it is. It affects EVERY cell in ones body! Get some whisky, pour it into glasses, put a tooth in one glass, a piece of raw meat in antoher, fruit in another, see what alcohol does. Pour it on an open wound!

He is going to get worse and worse as he cont. to use. Meaning his body is being eaten away,literally.

I hope this helps some. I invite you to relook at the stand you are taking. number one, we are "powerless" over this disease.

sending you LOTS of love,debilyn

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Very Very Tired wrote:
There is a history and a pattern to this behavior that this time I am standing up and saying no to.

What I love about this statement VVT is that you are holding HIM accountable and not accepting responsibilty that is his. When nothing changes, .. nothing changes. I know things at our house have changed when I work my own program and I no longer accept responsibility that is not mine.

That was a huge huge stepping stone for me to let that go. Bravo to you and regardless of if you are on a family vacation or not, that you have a nice time with your family regardless of what you are doing.

Hugs P :)

sookie · Senior Member

Ah yes, I understand that painful disappointment so well. I try not to let myself think of all the ruined family vacations because it still stirs a raging fire inside me and I don't want to go there any more. What a sick family disease we are dealing with. Thanks for your post--inspirational and full of strength. Good for you!!!

Very Very Tired · Senior Member

Debilyn, Thank you for your response. You have given me a lot to think about.

One of the reasons I have held firm to this boundary is that I realized the kids would not have a "happy mom" on this trip, as it was unfolding. Yes, I am responsible for my attitude and it is up to me, and only me, to find my happiness. The scenario that was unfolding for this trip was not leading to my happiness. Instead, it was increasing bitterness and resentment. I was allowing myself to be sucked back into a familiar scene, a pattern that has happened before.

If it was cancer of the brain, yes, I would still choose the actions I have chosen. And, I would have more comfortably been able to say to the kids: "Dad has planned a trip that we cannot carry through with."

With alcohol of the brain, AH told one of our children that yes we would go on this trip. He made this promise without talking to me about our family calendar, without looking at his calendar, without any real plan. He said he would handle it all. When he realized it couldn't happen with our schedule as it was, he asked me for help. I proposed some options. He rejected all of those options and, instead, came up with a convoluted plan that involved just me taking the kids and him dropping by for lunch. That is where I drew my boundary and said no. I will not take responsibility for a trip he promised and then could not deliver on.

My part in this: Yes, there was anger and frustration on my part. Not the extreme anger before recovery, but anger just the same. Anger is an emotion. I get to experience it along with happiness and joy. I just cannot act out on my anger in inappropriate ways.

Prior to our daughter asking AH about the trip, I had accepted that it would not happen this year and was planning other fun fall activities.

I have accepted that any family trip means AH will make several trips daily to get whatever alcohol he needs. My boundary is that the kids aren't in the car with him when he does this. I accept that I have to drive for part, if not all, of a trip. And, yes, for the most part, AH is still fun to have a long on a trip when I accept that by 8 or 9 PM he will need to be in bed.

We have found another weekend we can make this trip. It won't happen the way it always does--and I am OK with that. We will stay in a hotel instead of camp--I'm OK with that. But, AH will be there. I look at it this way: I don't know what will happen tomorrow or a year from now. I will enjoy this family trip as a family because I don't know how long AH will be with us.

-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Friday 14th of October 2011 08:46:32 AM

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello VVT - I like how you put it, that the addiction has to come too - was the case for everything we did, huge cooler had to be filled with ice and beer, small cooler for food. In reading this post and its replies my thoughts are running to teaching the kids not to take everything he says literally without checking with you. I don't know how old they are, do they know he has an addiction problem?

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

This share took me back to a few years ago we went to the Wisconsin Dells and I spent all kinds of time in the water parks with my kid and his parents while he sat in the room and went out at night alone. We had seperate vacations at the same time and the tension for us all was terrible. I wish I would have left him at home, but I would have missed him then, but I missed him anyway. I always tried to force things back then. I think you have gotten great ESH on this one and just wanted to share my last vacation with you. Sending you love and support!

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