So ticked off right now. What do I do/say? - Al-Anon Family Group

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

So ticked off right now. What do I do/say?

rosielee · Senior Member

i wouldnt try to reason with him when hes drunk- hes too far gone and wont remember it in the morning- at the moment when h is drunk- off driving and walking God knows where- at that moment he is powerless over the disease. hes drunk- which means he wont make sense- have no powers of reasoning- comprehension or understanding. pickled- far gone- away with the fairys. so i would let him do his drunk thing- one drink and youve lost him. i would wait and talk to him when he is sober- but at that time is will be vulnerable and regretful and this is the time yu may be able to get lucid thnking. i really wuld go soft and understandng....regret and guilt continues their drinking......during the regretful hungover stage is the one time where you can find ut whats going on in his head- what he wan ts to do- how he feels abut it- whether he accepts he has a problem. all in all tho- this is as much as you can do- in my experience no amount of rantings will get a person sober until they are ready to.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I know that ranting and raving don't get me anywhere, but I'm on the verge of tears. Does that get me anywhere, LOL? I just can't believe that he can't control himself and that he lets alcohol control him. He's a good man but I'm so worn out from dealing with all his issues that I am having a hard time finding the energy to work on myself. I was doing so well for a while there and now I feel like I'm back to square one.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs ILD,

He's an addict and rationalizing with an addict is like nailing jello to a tree. My question to you is what are you doing to take care of you?

The idea of my AH driving drunk ever is a very scary thought I can't control his alcoholism any more than I can stop the ocean waves from rolling into shore. I had to let go an let God. I also started having to put the focus back on me.

It ebbs and flows on stuff too. Don't feel bad about yourself just know ok I'm at step 1 and that's OK for today I can start over anytime I need to and move forward in a positive way. It does get better it's not always easy it does get better.

If we stop putting so much energy into other people and start putting all of that energy into us believe me, we stop being tired all of the time.

Hugs P :)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

The fact that sometimes they're capable of reasonable and helpful conversation can keep us hooked to the hope that they'll be able to have a reasonable and helpful conversation more of the time. But those are the exception with alcoholics. His behavior sounds right in line with what I've seen of alcoholism -- irritability, sometimes seeming more together but not really being so, having terrible judgment, being oblivious.

The terrible fact is that we can't stop any of this. We are powerless. I guess you could try hiding the car keys while he's not looking, but you can't hide the car keys all the time, and he can start drinking at any moment.

We each have our level of tolerance for being around this. It sounds as if you have been exposed to the real tragedies alcoholism can cause, and that makes it all the more painful. If I were in your shoes, I think I might ask myself, "If I knew this were never going to change, would I sign up for being around this for the next thirty/forty years?"

The thing is that, as I understand it, it's useless for us to say "This behavior is unacceptable and therefore you must..." Because we have no control over what they do. The thing we can say is, "This behavior is unacceptable and therefore I am going to..." How would you fill out the rest of that sentence? It seems to me that that's the thing you have the power to look at now.

Hugs.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Mattie, right now my "I am going to..." is going to be finished with "patiently wait on God to work on his heart." We are in the process of buying a newer home and I've had fleeting thoughts of keeping both homes and letting him move into the new one. Unfortunately, we can't afford that right now(well, maybe for a few months). I just wish I could have some time alone to think things through. I talked to him this AM, he listened to my concerns and didn't have much to say. He didn't defend himself, he didn't agree with me that he had a problem and needed help, he just sat there while I spoke calmly. I was speaking quietly, calmly, but firmly about the fact that I think he's letting alcohol control him and that he might need to talk to his therapist about it. I did tell him that I think drinking and driving is unacceptable and that I was concerned for his safety but I left it at that. I tried not to blame, I didn't break down and cry, and I held my ground. Right now the sight of him makes me sick to my stomach so I'm glad he's in his office with the door shut. Sigh, I hate days like today.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

This probably isn't going to help but when I drank I used to WANT to pass out. I WANTED to lose control. I WANTED that oblivion. That is was differentiates normal drinkers from problem ones. Normal people start feeling out of control after a few drinks. Alcoholics start feeling powerful and in control after a few drinks.

It just sounded like you were asking so many times "why can't he control himself?" Well....the answer is that he doesn't feel out of control per say and it works perfectly to not have to think or feel anything unwanted (it puts him in control of that actually).

rrib · Senior Member

When I'm angry my mouth doens't work very well. On the rare occasions when I can keep it shut, I've found it much easier to communicate and really say what was needed after I'm no longer angry.

I think the most appropriate action to take when observing someone driving drunk is to call the police. It could save a life.

Natually, when I was one of those drivers, I didn't have this opinion.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

ilovedogs wrote:
I just can't believe that he can't control himself and that he lets alcohol control him. He's a good man but I'm so worn out from dealing with all his issues ...

That's exactly the place I was at when I got here.

I was worn out from dealing with HIS issues. I discovered here, though, that nobody was making me deal with HIS issues. They were his - and I could hand them back to him to deal with however he chose. If he got drunk, it was because he was an addict and he was powerless over alcohol - just like I was powerless over him. Alcoholism isn't a failure of willpower, it's a disease. When I truly accepted that I was powerless and that he was sick, my life got a lot easier and the anger started to dissipate. It helps me to remind myself that alcoholics are sick people...and to ask myself why the nature and quality of MY life is dependent on whether someone else drinks. For me, the real issue was my inability to control the situation. When I was truly able to understand and embrace Step 1, my life got much more manageable.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

He is very sick, his body and his mind are being destroyed by his addiction. Of course he is worse than when he was in college. This disease gets worse and worse as it destroys more and more of the body it exists in.

It will continue to get worse until they die. Sounds like a very strong, tall,locked fence around the pool is very much needed. You keep the key.

Thwis makes me very, very sad and afraid for your family and the people he will kill if he continues this behavior. Myself, MY experience is we start a habit of hanging our keys up when they are sober. So when they are drunk, we can get the keys with out any fight.

We also can learn how to disable the vehicles. Again this is me. If my A had brain cancer, I sure would protect him and others. I do not want him killing someone to make a point.

I can understand being made at the diseases behavior, but what good does it do? It is not personal.

NO one blew it. He did not do this on purpose. He is sick! Being an addict is NOT right or wrong, it just is! it is a disease. They don't do it on purpose. Their sickness tells them they NEED it like we need water.

hugs! love,deb

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

White Rabbit, I totally understand what you're saying. I, honestly, wouldn't have been upset with him just being drunk. It was the fact that he drove drunk and risked other people's lives on the road, that's what gets me. I have been overlooking his drinking binges until last night. I felt like that was the last straw and that it's only a matter of time before he gets a DUI and that WILL definitely affect my life especially if he gets his license taken away. I WANT to give it back to him but we have a very impressionable 12 year old and I don't want him seeing dad drunk and passed out at the kitchen table. That's what AH went through as a kid but it was his mom who was passed out. He brings it up all the time and then wonders why I'm upset when he gets out of control drunk. Ummm, because it's the exact thing that he hated about his mother. I don't need to lie to myself about what's going on but my son just isn't mature enough to handle the truth, he has AH up on a pedestal right now and I'd be a terrible mother if I took that away from him. So, as much as 'I' can't handle what's going on, my son is usually asleep when it gets bad and doesn't really know what's going on. As he gets older, though, that may change and it's why I don't want to see AH keep sliding down this slope or else I will have no choice but to take our son and leave. I grew up with a dad who abused alcohol and I will not raise my kid around someone who gets drunk in front of his kid(s). Only time will tell, and I guess it's time I take it 'one day at a time'.

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I've been there. :( My ex used to stay at the bar (or wherever he was) all night. I'd be getting ready to go to work the next day and he still wouldn't be home. My son would ask where he was, and I'd have no idea. I, too, grew up with an alcoholic parent that passed out drunk every night and vowed I wouldn't let my children witness that the way I did. I know this cycle all too well.

Prayers, friend - take good care.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs ILD,

My kids are 7 and 12, and based upon discussions the kids and I have had about this past year it's a whole lot scarier to not know what's going on as a kid than to face some of the truth. I'm not talking the whole ugly truth I'm talking what is kid appropriate.

I think growing up the way I did something I have come to realize is kids are a whole lot more resilient than we give them credit for as long as they have the information they need to feel safe. I'm not talking about the let's shove it under the rug kind of information I'm talking about this is what happens when and they don't have to be deep scary conversations. I also found out in talking to my kids and watching them change in this past year they were a whole lot more scared of me than they were of my AH even when drinking. Thankfully he's not violent and loud when he's been drunk in the past. He acts like a fool that's a different issue. It was MY reactions though that scared them and left them feeling unsafe. Once I started in alanon, once we started talking and some of the talks had started before alanon, thank you years of therapy some of it did stick. I started to see how I was doing my part to damage them because I was not a centered person to be around. I had horrible mood swings, up one min down the next, my anger was def something I needed to address and how I handled myself that way. I never hit my kids or things like that one time my eldest said to me, Mom you get that look in your eye and I'm just not sure what your next move is. That was a bucket of ice water over my head. It also made it clear to me that my AH wasn't the only sick on in our relationship.

I hope you can find a face to face meeting that will offer you the support you deserve and need during this difficult time because it IS difficult to love an addict without being sucked into our own crazy behavior.

Hugs P :)

sookie · Senior Member

Wow--your story and what you are going through so hit home with me and the years of 'situations' like this with my AH. After a DWI I thought he would understand that driving drunk = bad but he still did it (again and again, usually lying about it too) and I eventually had to have him move out to feel any peace...

...because I couldn't explain to him the very true, raw fear of thinking your spouse will DIE each time they leave the house. Sure enough--he got arrested not even a month after moving out for drunk driving.

My point, they have to hit their own bottom. I just wasn't willing to wait around and watch and I had hit my personal defeat. Doesn't mean I don't love him--but it was time to LIVE and LET LIVE, and I couldn't live anymore in that constant state of fear.

And Pushka--what you said rings SO true with my kids, too. WOW was I crazy!! It is a lot of work evryday but thank god I found Al-Anon!! Wow...thanks to all for sharing. This really brought me back to those days.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

ilovedogs, you are not alone, you have had some great shares here and I have learned alot from this today. THank you for sharing what its like for you right now too. My fiance drank last night, not much but enough to get an attitude and I learned to detach and walk away, with love. Its a little thing really but it was so hard. I had to hide his keys, which I did last night too, because I knew if I didn't he might have decided to drive. Our liquor stores close at 9pm on weekdays and are closed on Sundays so that gives me a little rest. I hope they never change those laws here. He doesn't drink at bars so I don't have that to worry about... anyway, you are not alone, take care of you :) HUGS

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

I once called the police when my A left the house barely able to walk, but thought he needed to go drive. They never found him driving around, but I was mad and was powerless and couldn't stand the idea of him killing anyone or himself. We only had 1 car at the time, not that having another would have helped at all. Take care of yourself!

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