Infidelity and Betrayal - revisited - Al-Anon Family Group

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Infidelity and Betrayal - revisited

KeepingFaith · Member

One of the hardest things for me to deal with on a personal level, especially in my intimate relationships, is trust. When my Abf & I first started sewing each other, I let him know that and I worked very hard to trust him. Part of what is so difficult in my accepting his alcoholism/drug addiction is accepting that he didn't open up to me about his disease(s). And te cold truth of the matter is that He couldnt be honest & open with me because he is still deep in denial and not ready to face it. I've learned to forgive the overall betrayal but I have to be true to myself and continuing on with him while he is still actively using & boozing will only cause more lies and hurt. So I chose to leave. I had to face my needs and my tolerance threshold and had to be honest with myself that "I" could not handle the lies, excuses & denial. That would only cause me to hurt and therefore hurt him by questioning & adding stress. Thus the vicious ugly cycle. So before we damaged our relationship any further, I let it lay. And Im trying to believe that if we are meant to be, HP will intervene and we can start again with a better foundation. But until then, I'm working on letting go, focusing on me, finding my dreams again and focusing on my world... without him. Thanks for the reminder that we are all human :) (((((Jerry)))))

rosielee · Senior Member

so are yu not with this lady any more? I presume not. my childs father ran off with out lodger. i had to accept that i made a very poor choice in him anyway....now i hope to choose wiser and if i cant choose wisely ill have no one at all!! x

seekingtruth · Member

I always love your wisdom, Jerry.

It is difficult looking at my part. As a codepedent, I prefer to stay behind the mask of perfection and denial. I am a good girl, good to myself and others. I am a good partner and he doesn't deserve me. I am going to make him change into what I think he should be, because I am RIGHT!

Looking at my part made me see that this wasn't quite so true. From the first meeting I made mistakes that lead to years of misery. The minute I heard the words that filled my immediate needs, everything else became a blur. All the red flags were now challenges and I convinced myself with no proof that he was would my savior, my protector, my lover and it would be better than any romance movie I had ever seen.

Didn't take long, less than 30 days actually, for that to come crashing down around my ears. Then I spent the next X years and much pain for both parties trying to make him into that thing that doesn't actually exist. He is completely incapable of being who I need in my life and that is 100% ok. The fact that I tried to force a square peg through a round hole ... wasn't ok.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

This is so helpful (but painful!) to think about. I have come to see that dishonesty is down there at the root of alcoholism. The alcoholic is dishonest with himself or herself, and therefore can't be honest with other people. The two alcoholics I've known best were very different, but one thing they had in common was a fundamental dishonesty, even though it came out in very different ways. I always thought, "How could they be like that?" Then I started looking at myself. Was I dishonest to myself about how suitable they were for relationships? Was I dishonest about what their behaviors meant? Was I dishonest to myself about how suitable I was for a relationship? Was I dishonest about what my behaviors meant? Yikes!!!!

I heard once that "A neurosis is a secret you don't know you're keeping." There have been so many secrets I didn't know I was keeping. Food for thought. Thanks, Jerry.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I like that reminder to ask, what is my part in this? I know when I dropped the rock, I stopped my part in it.

Was so freeing. hugs Jer, debilyn

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Jerry F wrote:
" _____ with every Tom, Dick, Harry and Jerry".

First, that part I quoted above cracked me up big time LOL!!!!

Second, what an excellent example of showing that we are usually not victims of our alcoholics, even though I know before recovery we feel we are.

To look at our part might be painful, but it's pain that leads to healing, especially if we do it lovingly.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

This is often a very difficult topic for me. I see the pain and I have been on the giving and recieving end of pain with infidelity.

I have always found excuses and justifications. I have never hid the fact that the two marriages I have had, I met both of them and had an affair with both of them prior to leaving the previous partner. Even my family are aware.

I met my first husband while I was living in a domestic violence situation/'open relationship'. I was not married but had been with my partner for about 8 years. I met my first husband about 2 years before we started to have an affair. That is a very long story and I won't tell it here, but yes.. I had an affair and left the violence and very bad life behind. I know now I was looking for escape but I was wrong in the way that I did it. I am often hesitant to share this but I think part of my healing I need to start to take off the veil that I wear... during this relationship, I worked in the sex industry as a prostitute and massage girl. It kind of explains where the mind set was of respect and self respect... that is all I want to say about that at this stage... but I do believe that it was my opinion of myself that allowed me to do that job relatively happily, and to allow other events to happen in my life that are sexually based. The man who became my first husband knew about my relationship and my 'secret life'.

I met my current husband while living with my first husband. My first husband was a sex addict, the life of the 'happy swinger' was forced upon me and well... things happen... a way of life was forced upon me that I wanted to cease and he refused to do so. Sometimes i felt like I hadn't given up the sexindustry.. I was just no longer paid. He lied to me from the very beginning... I often think to myself... 'he started the cheating... I just stopped it by leaving'. It is a long story and difficult for most people to visualise the life of swingers without being disgusted.

My first husband knew all about what was going on wiht the man that is now my husband (confused yet?)... in the beginning... I wasnt cheating as it was part of our very unusual 'lifestyle' ... then the lies started on my part. My first husband had been lying to me for years about his 'affairs'. The things I found out after we separated are fairly disgusting to say the least. I can now honestly say that my part in it was not facing the truths and sorting things out before we were both too badly hurt. I did not have the self worth beyond thinking/knowing that sexually satisying people was theonly way I was found to be of worth.

LIes, infidelity, open relationships, swinging, cheating... they have been a huuuuge part of my life since I was 19 years old. Men were happy with me when I had sex with them.

I HAVE CHOSEN TO CEASE THAT PART OF MY LIFE. My current husband and I do not 'swing', we do not share and we are open and honest about our feelings toward sex etc. He knows all about my past in that area. I met him thorugh swinging. He was single and not cheating on anyone. He knew I was married and had spoken to my husband. (strange I know) My current husbands part in it was open and upfront.

I have not cheated for 5 years nor has he. We both know that 'cheating' by our definition is a deal breaker. I don't trust my husband to not smoke pot at any point in time, he is a pot head. I trust him 100% that he will not cheat on me. Its such a nice comforting and safe place to be for me after 17 years of cheating as 'par for the course'. For me, monogomy is something I am not used to and let me tell you, I LOVE IT!!!!!!

I am not sure if now, after reading that, people will change their opinion of me. I know we are not a judgmental mob, but I do feel so very 'different' at times.... all alone with my little secrets. I often think.. if people really knew about me.. they would reallly not think of me as a very good person at all, and I deserve what I get in life.. man.. he should smoke more pot to get away from that 'thing'.... poor bloke..

Ok.. it is out there... another small part of my mask coming off in this forum

PS I have been sitting here for 5 minutes looking at the 'submit post' button... just do it linda

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda the ODAAT daily reader has a passage, I forget what page, that says "Courage is fear that has said its prayers". I've been in Al-Anon for a while and as a part of MIP for days and days and I can tell you one of the gifts I got in recovery is complete trust that I would not be openly judged and would always be unconditionally loved. There is nothing about Linda that is objectionable to this member. Thanks for the rigorous honesty. ((((hugs)))) smile

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for your honesty, Linda: you set an example for all of us. I would guess that everyone in the world has some parts of their past that they look back on and think, "That sure was a much less good idea than it seemed like at the time." I know I have a whole laundry list full. The way I see it, it's not about lifestyles so much as about taking good care of ourselves. That's always a work in progress. So glad you are here with us.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

hahaha

thanks, I have been sweating a bit thinking what kinds of responses I was gonna get....

hahaha... yeah, it all seemed like a good idea at the time.

I don't know if I helped anyone that is having infidelity problems... but I can never pass judgement on any of it.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda,

No worries. We're human. We do better when we know better. We all have skeletons in the closets.
I listened a webcast last evening about our deepest, darkest secrets. The presenter said that attached to our most worrisome, shameful action is a lie and that it's good to tell at least one other person.

The board is a better place because of you c:

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Friday 14th of October 2011 07:47:00 AM

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda,

Every decision you have ever made has brought you to where you are. We all have different ways of getting where we need to be. I'm a advocate of "letting go" of old stuff. Old baggage carried for yrs. is just that, old. It serves no purpose beyond a "life lesson". When we see and accept the lesson we can learn from it and move forward with that knowledge. To carry what others did to us or what we did to ourselves in a negative manner stifles our growth. This earth school can be a tough place but we all have the ability to CHOOSE to overcome and learn from it (obviously you have). We can't change our past, therefore I see no reason to live there in my head.

Those that would judge you are hanging on to what you have let go of. Let them. They must not have enough "stuff" of their own..lol

It's hard for me to condemn someone else's journey. I have no way of knowing their outcome.

Namaste,

Christy

amills4294 · Senior Member

Linda - your life as you live it is your life. It would be sad and unfair, I believe if you were judged on anything in your life. I'm tired of all of the judgemental people. We all learn and grow through our lives - we were not born perfect, nor will we ever be. Whatever you choose to do with your path in life, is exactly that, it's your path. Thank you so much for sharing. I envy the relationship where the partner truly wants to hear about your past and is willing to not think any differently of you for it. My spouse thinks my life began at 31 when I met him. He doesn't want to know about any men in my life before and gets very threatened by my even mentioning them. I am who I am for all the people/friends/experiences I've had in my life and I want to get to the point that "if you can't accept that, find value in that and love me - then hit the road".

Thank you so much for sharing. You don't know how much I needed to hear your post.

hugs - Alexis

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Alexis,

Welcome to the board. I see you are a newcomer, I am glad you are here. I do so hope you will stick around and get to know us awhile. If you have the chance, won't you consider intorducing yourself to the forum?

Best,

Tommye

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

I dare not judge, for I don't want to be judged. It is so nice to be open and vulnerable with this group and know that we all are trying to shine a light in all our dark places and become healthier and better individuals and with the love and support here and in my Al-anon face to face meetings I know it is possible. Thanks for both Jerry and Linda for being so wide open in their share's! I appreciate you both in letting us see and love you through your humanness. Progress not perection is the goal. Sending you both love and support!!!

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