Leaving him to sleep on the couch...loving detachment...? - Al-Anon Family Group

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Leaving him to sleep on the couch...loving detachment...?

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Yay for you! I'm glad you enjoyed your evening. :)

I'd go with the leaving him to sleep on the couch. He's not in danger, like if he passed out in the street or something. No need to intervene. That's my .02, anyway!

:) Summer

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Im all for leaving them on the couch.

My ex husband got so drunk one night.. I went to bed and left him to fall asleep wherever he landed. I left the back door open so he could get back inside from the outdoor entertainment area.

At early hours of the morning I heard him at the front door. It was locked... he couldn't get in, I knew I had the back door open for him so I went back to sleep. The next morning he walked in the back door bright eyed and bushy tailed and asked why I locked him out. I said I didn't, that door you just walked in was unlocked and open wasn't it.

His fault he couldn't think past the only door he tried, not mine. I didn't fall asleep drunk on the chair. NOw that sort of detachment I have always been able to do and do not feel any guilt what so ever.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Summer)))) What a perception!! It surely isn't like he's passed out in the street. You found Me I learned that a part of detachment mean't loving her where she was at and while that wasn't the sofa often twix the alcoholic/addict wife and myself sometimes "where she was at mean't just about anywhere and everywhere." The consequence of his choice was the sofa...and like the Wabbit suggest it wasn't out in the middle of the street. LOL Great thread!! (((((hugs))))) smile

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

When my alcoholic drank and passed out on the sofa, I never woke him to come to bed. It was a gift for me because he snored so loudly when he drank!

Plus, he didn't mind because back then we had a very confy sofa. He loved it much more than our bed.

Leaving them on the couch is find in my book. He's safe. You're not leaving him out in the middle of the street :)

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs YFM,

There is a great read in C2C about detachment (leaving people where they are) and it talks about the difference between loving detachment and not so nice detachment. I agree leaving them on the couch is ok, you even went as far as turning the lights off and the tv. Great way to work your program!!

Hugs, P :)

coffeegrounds · Member

I am like GailMichelle, when my AH falls asleep on the couch, it is a gift for me(mine snores so loud too). Depending on my mood I may even throw a blanket on him. And of course you have to turn off the lights and tv(gottta save energy HA!)

Green Eyes · ~*Service Worker*~

GailMichelle wrote:
When my alcoholic drank and passed out on the sofa, I never woke him to come to bed. It was a gift for me because he snored so loudly when he drank!

Plus, he didn't mind because back then we had a very confy sofa. He loved it much more than our bed.

Leaving them on the couch is find in my book. He's safe. You're not leaving him out in the middle of the street :)

Wow, I guess I was detaching even before I knew what detachment was! I first started doing this about three years before I moved out. My AH snored like a drunken sailor (he wasn't in the Navy, but he had the drunken part down!) and I slept so much better when I had the bed to myself. Now I sleep really, really peacefully, and I let my HP, instead of my AH, take care of me.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

"but I have never before felt it was "ok" to let him sleep on the couch."

This struck me.

OK You showed great progress and program tool use!

This to me is showing of control, like we have the right to let them or not let them do anything.

In my experience if he fell asleep outside in the driveway, he is a big boy, I am not his mother.

Is it our responsibility to wake them and tell them to go to bed?

I had to learn this one too....felt good,once my A when he was my boyfriend was totally obnoxious on our way home in the mountains. I was driving of course. I got so mad, I stopped, went around,opened his door,pulled him out. Shut the door and drove home. lol He walked home and fell asleep outside. told me the cat kept him warm....lol

hugs,deb

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

The example given to me yrs ago about loving detachment was If he passes out on the lawn leave him there but remember to turn off the automatic sprinkler before going to bed

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks ya'll! Great E S & H that I got to read this morning :) He did wake up about a half hour after I typed this last night and I was about to fall asleep. I didn't say anything or get cranky or anything, just stayed laying there. He went to bed nice and quiet, said good night and off to sleep I went. Deb, I hear you, I probably did always try to control things before and would wake him up. I think I got it a little bit more last night. I think before I was working from fear and now from loving detachment... Thanks again for the great help in the night :)

rosielee · Senior Member

its his responsability i should think. he is the one who decided to drink- its his look out- i would make yourself a nice cozy bed- revel in your own space and not worry one jot.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I let mine sleep on the couch. Even when he wasn't a drinker. He snores sometimes, especially when he's been drinking, and I like having the bed to myself. If he wants to come to bed, that's his choice.

sookie · Senior Member

I had to kind of laugh--I used to be SOOOO truly, thanking the stars above grateful when my AH would pass out on the couch so I didn't have to have his beer-stinking, chain-saw sounding, snoring "dead" body next to me all night!

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