Conditional - Al-Anon Family Group

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Conditional

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Jackie11, welcome so very glad your here!

YOU didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it!! that is called the 3 C's.

People here understand like no one else can -the more I talked to my family about my life the more certain they became I was crazy and prior to that I was the "smart" one in the family. ugh!!! that hurts.

If you go to face to face meetings you will learn so much, I promise and all you have to do is locate one and walk in a sit down... the rest will take care of itself, the people there know how you feel and will accept you exactly how and where you are now or at least that is my experience and that of all I've ever spoken to.

I posted here for a bit before I ever found a meeting I think so welcome no matter what you decide to do about a face to face meeting.

There are also so many good books that will help you in times of questioning about yourself and your relationship!!!

I don't know where you live but if you have trouble finding a meeting just post here and someone will help I'm sure I would try.

If your near Dallas Texas private messge me and we will work on it together!!!

so your biggest challenge is finding a meeting close enough to you that you will go.

IF for some reason that particular meeting didn't fit for you, you could come here and post that info and or look for another... it saved my life, the program saved me...it's not religious or even political it's just about how to live in this unique situation.

NOW my experience with the "blaming" and reasoning that you say your husband is doing is that my ex had exactly the same "way" about him.

The best phase I ever learned in dealing with it was "I am sorry you feel that way" when I say that I"m not agreeing nor arguing or defending myself and I let him know I heard him.

He may have said you could have a glass of wine so he would feel better about the shots who knows... but generally I was told that to drink some or not was my choice it doesn't really effect what they choose to do regardless of what they say, if in doubt you may choose not to especially till you figure some things out? I'm no expert on this part for sure.

I know it hurt me alot when my behavior and not the alcohol was blamed for our troubles, trust me it all just kept getting more and more tangled until my brain felt like spagetti because sometimes my behavior was very "sick" and yes it was always because of the alcoholism so the blame game can get very tangled up.

I was called insecure, jealous, boring all stuff I am not! but began to believe perhaps I was.

Eventually I was all messed up and tangled up in my work, family relationships and general thinking, my family lost respect for me I missed special events it just got worse and worse.

I've heard of people who loved alcoholics who checked themselves into mental health treatment, I've heard of some dying... this disease can really get you!

You however have only been exposed a short time and have many good decisions to make and you may learn in alanon to think of what is in your best interest because when we don't we are not able to be there for anyone- the alcoholic, other family, our friends or ourself. The guilt and depression become too much for most anyone. It is NOT selfish to take care of you first it is the only way we can be of any use to anyone...alcoholism is a deceptive and tricky disease... you can't outsmart it especially alone!!

It seems to me a person in this situation may have several choices some main choices that come to mind are...

Leave now cut the loss.. and without alanon, a person will still find that all their relationships are still somewhat negatively affected, probably feel guilt and pain, maybe go back and forth from the relationship with the alcoholic many times.

Go to alanon as an antibiotic against the disease of Alcoholism and how it drastically effects those who love the alcoholic and then hopefully make some good decisions about what is best for you, rarely but sometimes the alcoholic even feels the changes and gets help.

Or a person can loose their heart soul and mind by staying in an untreated painful situation, there is nothing like it and the effects linger for a long long time.

Untreated alcoholism always gets worse never ever better on it's own.

I guess people who love alcoholics without alanon always get worse too.. We all have so many many stories.

Please post and let us all know more about how your doing and if you are able to find a face to face meeting.

a

-- Edited by glad on Wednesday 12th of October 2011 03:03:47 PM

-- Edited by glad on Wednesday 12th of October 2011 03:08:04 PM

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Jackie,

Welcome to Miracles In Progress. You have been and are being effected by the disease of alcoholism. The disease is selfish taking over the mind, body, and spirit, of the alcoholic. Denial is a symptom of alcoholism making it hard to impossible for them to accept, and blaming others for their problem in the process. No amount of begging, pleading, getting frustrated, irritated, or annoyed will change or make him stop drinking.

We have no control over the alcoholics in our life, but we do have control over ourselves. We can seek help from the effects the disease has on us. We can change our life for the better. We need recovery. In the rooms of Al-Anon we can find that help. You won't have to be alone anymore because you will be around other members who are walking in your shoes, members who will share what worked for them. In the program we call that our experience, strength, and hope.... What has worked for you.....and in the process giving back to others what the program has given us.

Please take the time to read prior post on MIP. Learn all you can about the disease of alcoholism. Find an Al-Anon meeting in your area and start your recovery. Jackie, you have found and new family here at MIP, and your will find a new loving and caring family in the rooms of Al-Anon......In the opening of every meeting the reading states.....We understand you as perhaps no one else can.

HUGS,
RLC

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

You will find meetings by calling 1-888-4alanon lines are open from 8 am to 6pm eastern time they will give you a contact number or address for a meeting in your area . I hope you go , you do it for you , you need support . Louise

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome here. Just wanted to offer my support and hope that you can find a meeting for you. I googled alanon in my state and I found meetings, or you can look it up in the phone book and call or do as Abbyal suggested above. coming to MIP was my second stop, I went to alanon first but I felt I needed more so I found this board. I am still learning, little by little and its not easy, but I am doing it. There are so many great books, One Day at a time in Alanon, Courage to change, Hope for Today, and As We Understood, all great alanon literature. There is the book Getting them Sober which is not alanon, but is a great help. The AA big book may help you see where he is coming from. It helped me to read that. I have been to open AA meetings as well. The best thing you can do is try meetings out and keep coming and posting on here. It helps to hear from those who understand. Take care of you :) HUGS!

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi

Have you been following me around and decided to write my story hahahahaha.. you are not alone here matey.

Keep reading and reading and listening and posting.

I am fairly new but there are great people here with great wisdom.

You have said you agree that he can make his own decisions, yes he can, and he has.

So can you. You have that right.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

OF COURSE you are! We all have conditions! Some do not want anyone who cheats, some want to live with out drugs in their life, some don't want their spouse to lie, some want to always make up after a fight before in bed.

Its not a rational question.

Myself I would say,ya you are right. That'll stump him!

You say you want to leave if he is drinking. I thought you just shared he was drinking wine,then wanted to do shots again?

YES meetings are the best way to start and coming here too! Getting Them Sober volume One, Toby Rice Drew. Amazing book, will help you I promise!

I am so sad your marriage is going like this! Marrying an A is very hard. He is sick, it's a disease.

Fighting will do no good. He has to come to terms with it being a problem not you. We cannot tell them anything, or do anything. It is totally their business.

We can learn to live with it thru Al anon.,

Fight it and be miserable,

or leave.,

Glad you are here. You are going to be amazed by what you learn! hugs,debilyn

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You have every right to set conditions and boundaries for what you want in a relationship. Maybe it would help him to understand the difference between how you will love him anyhow, but his adictionm might just creat situations you cnnot tolerate.

Only little baby children need unconditional love the way your husband is talking about.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you for the number, the reference material and the encouragement. @Debilyn, you pointed out about the wine and the shots. I suppose I'm guilty of categorizing because whiskey was what he was consuming 2 1/2 gallons of a week.

I have been reading posts and reading posts and trying to process. I have so much more information after yesterday and I'm so thankful I found this site.

I knew that I can't control, can't change someone elses decisions and choices. I also knew that even if the alcohol factor were to be removed I'm still responsible for my actions choices and decisions. It just threw me for a loop on Monday to realize that just because he's not had any whiskey since September 19 the truth is I think he's blaming me for not being able to drink. Which is why I told him he has free will and the choice is his to make. I refuse to tell him what he can and can't do. I also realized that I was in a place of frustration and I'm so angry, and I know that I need to deal with my own emotions.

I am at such a loss, I married him thinking that it was for life, yet what kind of life is it that drains down a bottle and up in smoke?

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't know if anyone mentioned the book Getting Them Sober, Toby Drew Rice I think, it's a really great read for people who are dealing with the issue of active alcoholism. Hugs and welcome Jackie11, it really does get better because we stop putting the focus on them and start putting the focus back on us. It's a hard concept to understand how is that helping? It just does it takes pressure off of everyone living with active alcoholism.

Hugs P :)

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there and welcome to MIP. I hope you are able to find a meeting and read some Al-anon literature. It sounds like you are already reading here and posting and are on your way to a healthier journey of taking care of yourself! Keep up the good work. I am sending you love and support on your journey!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.