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Hi all! I'm new here.....just found this forum recently & decided to join.
I'm 42 yo and my husband is what I call a "functioning alcoholic" - he doesn't miss work or anything like that. But he drinks daily, often to the point of passing out. Most times when he's drunk, he VERY angry & takes it out on me - yells, calls me names, curses at me, etc.....Most recently he tried to hurt/mark himself & then threatened to call the cops & have me arrested. He doesn't usually remember what he said or did the next day.
I'm looking into joining a group & found one close to my work where I can go during the day so he won't know about it. He doesn't consider himself to have a problem - he just likes beer!
I don't consider his drinking my fault nor do I feel guilty about his drinking. I do worry about potential health issues as he barely eats & mostly drinks & doesn't remotely take care of himself. Him threatening to have me arrested did scare me tho. I just don't know how to deal with him when he's in this state.
Thank you in advance....I hope to learn a lot here.
I am so glad you are here. Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself to the forum. I think you will find that there are many of us here who can completely relate to your share, especially me.
I have found so much strength, support, understanding and love in the face to face rooms of Alanon. It is suggested that you attend six or more meetings before making a decision as to whether or not alanon is right for you.
So please stick around and get to know us awhile. I am so glad you stopped by.
Welcome! I've can relate to your situation - my husband is usually drunk by the time I get home from work, sometimes passed out, sometimes in a weird kind of rage. I have recently come to the conclusion that if I do not respond to his outbursts and I do not engage, it becomes purely his problem and not mine. This is often difficult because we live in a very small two room apartment so there's not much I can do to avoid his behavior, but the more I detach from him and his issues, the more I ignore the outbursts, do what I have to do and settle in, the less effect it seems to have on me. It's really hard. Sometimes when he's passed out it's all I can do to not just stare at him and become sad of what he COULD be, what we COULD be doing. But I just remind myself that it is what it is, it's not in my control, he's sick, and I treat him like I would any other sick person - with compassion and empathy. I don't do for him what he should be doing for himself - I don't force him to change his clothes after he's worn the same ones for three straight days, I don't remind him to take a shower when he starts to get funky, I don't clean up after him. I do for myself what I need to do for myself and let him figure out what he wants for himself. Don't get me wrong, I don't act meanly towards him - this morning he woke up very ill so I got him "the bucket," brought him a bottle of water and a couple of Advils and told him I loved him. I would do that for anyone I love. But when he asked me to let our cleaning lady know that he was going to be in the bedroom sleeping and for her to not disburb him, I said no, she is here to do a job and that's part of it (a significant part, as it is one of the only two aforementioned rooms that we live in!) and that if he had something to say to her, he was completely capable of saying it himself. It's really hard, hard to watch someone you love hurt himself. The lashing out, the threats and the self-harm are all a manifestation of his illness. He's hurting so badly inside, because of something that has nothing to do with me, and he's doing everything he can to get it out. He hasn't learned a healthy way to do that yet, but that's his job, not mine. I've come to the conclusion that in his way, he's trying to drive me away so that he can justify the lousy feelings he's having and just drink them away forever. But I love him, I'm not going anywhere, I'm not engaging the dismal, depressing behavior and I'm not getting involved. He needs to find his own way out of this, and while he does and when he does, I'll be beside him to love and support him.
Keep coming back - this stuff WORKS!!!
__________________
--Mare
Grateful member of Al Anon
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
Hi MLK! We're fortunate in that we have a house and I've moved into the back BR so I can have my own space. I don't clean the MBR anymore - it's a mess but that isn't my problem, I just look at the mess & keep going.
His rages tho still bother me as the littlest thing sets him off & even if I ignore him, he keeps at me almost as if to get a reaction. So it seems if he can get me to react, then he can be the victim. Plus his constant screaming, curses & accusations (he accuses me of stealing things...huh?) do, I admit, bother me.
I feel sad for him and for his daughter.....she's 25 & lives on her own & doesn't know the extent of his problem.
The best way to "deal with him" when he is in that state is to not deal with him. I was also that kind of "functional alcoholic" and since getting sober, I now recognize you just described a garden variety alcoholic. A very significant portion of folks in recovery will say they also "showed up for work every day." For myself, the minute I left work, I went to the liquor store and actually drank WHILE driving home. Doesn't sound very functional when I look back on it.
So anyhow, "functioning" or how you choose to live your life and what quality you want from it...That is your decision. You get to make decisions for yourself to insulate and protect you from his disease. Only you can do this and none of us knows what your choices will be or even what they should be. Regardless, we are here for you along the way (as folks would be in face to face alanon).
The best way to "deal with him" when he is in that state is to not deal with him. I was also that kind of "functional alcoholic" and since getting sober, I now recognize you just described a garden variety alcoholic. A very significant portion of folks in recovery will say they also "showed up for work every day." For myself, the minute I left work, I went to the liquor store and actually drank WHILE driving home. Doesn't sound very functional when I look back on it.
I'm working on not reacting when he "gets in that state." I continue doing what I'm doing - being online, watching TV, etc & I try & make sure I'm in a different room. However, he can tend to follow me around making comments, cursing, etc.
So by not dealing with him - does that mean ignoring him like I've been doing? Sometimes that makes him angrier and it's hard to know what to do or not do when he's completely irrational.....it's a Catch 22....
My husband follows me around too! And he plays this dialog loop that makes me nuts - it usually starts with, "Why are you even with me?" then goes to "I want to go up to bed but I want you to come with me." To each I respond, "Because you're my husband and I love you" and "I'm not ready to go to bed but you're welcome to go on up and I'll be in in a little while," respectively. This goes on and on and on, usually for around 45 minutes, while I'm either trying to read or watch television. I've recognized that he's trying to push my buttons, get me to be angry and lash out at him because I'm not giving him the negative attention he really wants to have in order to somehow justify how crappy he thinks his life is (it isn't) and how much he deserves to drink (he doesn't). Lately, I either go out for a walk, put on headphones or actually go up to bed with him, at which point he promptly falls asleep and then I can go back to doing what I was doing. Mind you, I've only been practicing this for about 4 days, so I'm not sure how it will all work out, if it will continue, if I ultimately will lose patience. But I have found that if I don't engage (not exactly ignoring him, but not giving him really anything to work with) and I don't respond to his unintelligible mutterings (he does that to try to get me to turn to him and ask "What did you just say?"), the situation doesn't escalate and there's really nothing for either of us to argue about. I know I don't like feeling like I've just been kicked out of my home by him and I'm not sure how I'll feel about taking a walk once it's bitter cold out, but for now it's keeping me sane. I guess my point is that there are no set rules to this, you just try what you need to try until you find what feels like is working best for YOU. Hang in there, and keep up the good work!!
-- Edited by Mlkiss75 on Wednesday 12th of October 2011 11:00:22 AM
__________________
--Mare
Grateful member of Al Anon
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
My husband follows me around too! And he plays this dialog loop that makes me nuts - it usually starts with, "Why are you even with me?" then goes to "I want to go up to bed but I want you to come with me." To each I respond, "Because you're my husband and I love you" and "I'm not ready to go to bed but you're welcome to go on up and I'll be in in a little while," respectively. This goes on and on and on, usually for around 45 minutes, while I'm either trying to read or watch television. I've recognized that he's trying to push my buttons, get me to be angry and lash out at him because I'm not giving him the negative attention he really wants to have in order to somehow justify how crappy he thinks his life is (it isn't) and how much he deserves to drink (he doesn't). Lately, I either go out for a walk, put on headphones or actually go up to bed with him, at which point he promptly falls asleep and then I can go back to doing what I was doing. Mind you, I've only been practicing this for about 4 days, so I'm not sure how it will all work out, if it will continue, if I ultimately will lose patience. But I have found that if I don't engage (not exactly ignoring him, but not giving him really anything to work with) and I don't respond to his unintelligible mutterings (he does that to try to get me to turn to him and ask "What did you just say?"), the situation doesn't escalate and there's really nothing for either of us to argue about. I know I don't like feeling like I've just been kicked out of my home by him and I'm not sure how I'll feel about taking a walk once it's bitter cold out, but for now it's keeping me sane. I guess my point is that there are no set rules to this, you just try what you need to try until you find what feels like is working best for YOU. Hang in there, and keep up the good work!!
-- Edited by Mlkiss75 on Wednesday 12th of October 2011 11:00:22 AM
YES! I so HATE those little under the breath comments!!! I'm trying VERY HARD to not respond to them or the big dramatical sighs. Most of the time, his outbursts are at night so I'm unsure about taking a walk, but I don't mind walking outside in the cold, so I may have to start doing that.
You're a little head of the game then I was when I entered the rooms of Al-Anon. My twisted thinking had me partially guilty for his drinking. However, I don't think that way anymore.
My ex, whom I now live with after his 3rd rehab stay, has some health issues directly linked to his years of alcohol consumption. I think these issues are part of the reason he is taking his sobriety very seriously these days. He "sees" what alcoholism can do to the body.
I'm certain you'll find this message board extremely helpful.
Keep coming back!
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
You're a little head of the game then I was when I entered the rooms of Al-Anon. My twisted thinking had me partially guilty for his drinking. However, I don't think that way anymore.
My ex, whom I now live with after his 3rd rehab stay, has some health issues directly linked to his years of alcohol consumption. I think these issues are part of the reason he is taking his sobriety very seriously these days. He "sees" what alcoholism can do to the body.
I'm certain you'll find this message board extremely helpful.
Hi and welcome to MIP! It sounds like you found the right place. I am so glad you have a face to face Al-anon meeting figured out, that is where I have done so much of my growing and found my wise sponsor. I am glad you found us here and hope you get to some meetings and read some Al-anon literature, because I know that it can all be so life changing! Keep up the great work and I am sending you love and support on oyur journey!!!
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
You've received such great ESH I just wanted to welcome you here as well.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
