The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so frustrated and disappointed in my AH and am having a hard time shifting my focus. He let me down by once again with-holding information and basically lying to me about finances. It is not a big thing, that will break us, but it is the principle in that I told him I either wanted us to be partners in our finances or nothing. He said he can't tell me the truth, and I am sure it is because I am inflexible about how I want things handled, as I don't trust him to do it right. We recently got burned on a deal with our past renters due to his handling it his way and not mine. I am so depressed over all this and feeling so hopeless. Once again I think I just want to check out of the whole relationship. I see his behavior as a lack of respect. I told him so and that he needed to leave. Partners or nothing is my latest ultimatum. For what good it's worth. He did leave for the evening and I have pretty much just been short with him since then. There is no discussing it. He will just get beligerant. I don't want to let up on this issue and I don't see ever getting his respect. I have worked our entire marriage and yet I am not given an equal share in decision making. I don't want to be spiteful, but every morning I am waking up hurt and sad and at night I am dreaming about other ways he is betraying me or disrepecting me. How do I move on from this when he is not going to change?
I can identify with your disappointment. I have learned to not believe anything that my AHsober ever says (he has since left the marriage). Someone said in an Alanon meeting that "my alcoholics do not disappoint me". That is they keep on doing what alcoholics do. We can't wait around for them to change. They are doing what untreated, not in recovery alcoholics do. I don't think it is about respect for you, it just is that your AH is doing only what he is capable of doing.
Have you read the "Getting Them Sober" books. They have been an eye opener for me. They explain alot and give us our choices.
well thanks for the input. I feel quilty for having to INSIST on my way of handling things and questioning his business sense but it feels like I am constantly pulling teeth with him. Getting little bits of info makes the picture even more fuzzy and finally I can say "That makes no sense". But I keep badgering until I get to the bottom of it and I hate to have to do that. I have read the first Getting them sober book. I need to read the others. Mostly I am just tired of having to do it all and wonder it I have the energy to keep it up. I will try to keep the focus on me. And go to a F2F meeting this week!
And also, I need to think about the fact it might be more about him than me. It is very plausible that he is feeling that I am trying to control him and resisting it. Thanks for putting that info out there for me to consider.
I'm soooo glad to see you back on the boards. Hugs, I appreciate your post about this because I can so relate to the issue of lying over anything big or small. I've watched my AH do this dance with honesty that I neither understand or appreciate.
What Glad posted really hit home with me because it is not about us. Something I have come to really embrace and it was freeing in an odd way was that he doesn't just lie to me he lies to everyone! The lying hasn't stopped however it has diminished a LOT, ironically when I stopped putting so much focus on him. He seemed to stop feeling the need to hide.
What Glad posted makes SO much sense to me,
"Basically it's about their inability to trust or their fear of being controlled and who knows what else.
I believe the fact that my Ex A was not honest and open with me had NOTHING to do with me and everything to do with him... "
Right there is it in a nut shell.
Thank you both for this topic and this post,
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
thanks Pushka. I had to take a hard look at myself regarding Glad's response. In my anger, I think I have been super-critical and interrogating and so it is no wonder that I would get the response I am getting. I'm feeling better today. I did my own thing last night, really got into what pleases me and what I enjoy and let him do his own thing. That way, even though we weren't talking, I wasn't stewing. Things looked better this morning. So, onward through the fog, which hopefully will lift soon as I grow and read more.
A good nights sleep helps a GREAT deal I'm so glad you got some rest. It does get better!!
I like this statement right here, ... that is such very healthy detachment "I did my own thing last night, really got into what pleases me and what I enjoy and let him do his own thing. That way, even though we weren't talking, I wasn't stewing."
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
