The material presented
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level.
Well... after a couple of weeks of getting back on the horse.... I am in a good place today.
I think one of the catalysts is that the 'real' dope that was in the friends car in our driveway, drove out yesterday.
I have not asked if he kept any, I have not said anything about it. I had a straight husband for the weekend and it was lovely.. no vagueing out on me... he was attentive and it was my husband without the monster which is lovely.
So... I am looking at going to a Tai Chi class and he says he may want to come with me. I have made plans to see some friends this week, and he says he wants to come with me. I have plans for the weekend and he will go fishing. I am looking forward to the time by myself.
On Sunday morning.... I was starting to get stressed... the owner of the 'real dope' in the car came back Saturday night and I was starting to think... he will smoke, he will be given some .. we will be back on the illegal stuff.. rah rah rah.... I stopped. I handed it all over to the universe and asked her to take care of it and do what she thinks is the best thing as she knows what my husband is ready to do or not.
I instantly felt a warmth inside me.
As it turned out, the people just slept thenight and then left quickly the next morning, the subject of pot came up as it does.. I changed the subject to another issue we were al linterested in and the conversation went along nice and smooth til they left.
She was working with me and she did take care of everything.. so many things fell into place for me this weekend it wasn't funny... I thanked the universe a few times ...
I know this too shall pass, but at the moment, I am happy where I am and with the status quo. He is smoking this stuff called 'bad ass', it is a blend of damiana and passionflower and is purely herbal (as is pot I say....), but he feels it is different. I am happy I do not have anything in my home that can get us into trouble (not that that is a large problem for me), he won't get urine tested and into trouble, even if he smokes heaps of this stuff, he is not totally stoned so he can still talk to me and I am not worried about him driving etc.
I am happy where I am in that I feel I am reconnecting with my friends a little, I am organising things to do for myself. I have done heaps around the house .. little jobs.. sent emails to people I have not contacted for ages... all of that stuff.
I saw a friend today at lunch and she told me I was looking so much better and healthier.. I have dyed my hair and it looks better.... it was nice to hear someone see the difference in me.
I cannot control what he puts into his body. My self esteem is not dependent on if my husband smokes pot or does not.. I am who I am regardless of what he does.....
You surely are a work in progress. I'm so glad to hear you do some things for you and be able to let go of what your AH is doing.
Keep up the good work,
Hugs, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
oh and I just remembered what the other thing was I thanked the universe for..... My husband wants to buy the business he is working in... I do not.. I hate the idea of being a business person.. anyway.. I handed it over to the HP and said if he wants it, it is his to run.. not mine... he is not that stupid he will make a bad decision. Anyway.. long story short.. he said a few weeks ago if this doesn't work out, he may start out on his own building a brand new business up... my control and fear and all sorts of things kicked in.... what also kicked in was... EAsy Does it Linda... this has not happened yet, it is a long way off if it ever does come into play for us.... hand it over.
I have not mentioned it again... well.. we were sitting in the spa the other afternoon and the subject of the business came up.. he said he is waiting to hear back from accountants and such to see if he and a mate want to buy the existing business they work in... I listened and deliberatly handed over all my fear as I was hearing him... I wanted to actual hear what he was saying, not have the screaming going in my head.... what he said made sense.. he seems to be doing the ground work properly...
Then we talked about what woudl happen if the figures came back and he wasn't interested in buying this established business... long story short... I said I would be more interested in extending our mortgage and 'doing up the house' in order to sell for a profit instead of him establishing a brand new business from scratch. I am not comfortable ith the new business idea.
Usually he woudl have said I was being negative and thats not what he wants etc etc.
You know what he said???? He said, yeah ok that sounds fair... we will do that if this deal doesn't work out... I nearly shook my head to work out what I was hearing... he listened to me.... he actually heard what I had to say and compromised with me!!!!!
I know that if the new business was something he was hell bent on he would have done it, so I must have said something that appealed to him more than th ework needed for a new business... but I just felt so relieved....
Etiher way... I will be ok.... (thanks for that one Tom)
