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Lately, i've been thinking that my AH is mentally ill. I'm been doing some research and it looks like he may be both. He barely seems functional- living in squalor in what was once our home. He took Ambien and Vodka and wound up in a hospital with hallucinations...not so bad that he didn't forget my work number, though.
Here is my question. What are my obligations to him? He has his own $ ...But it's hard to see someone you loved descending into some kind of insanity. Does it matter what it is?...Is my recovery more important?
One psychiatrist said she thought he would wind up on the street.
Hi there and I am sorry that this disease has brought you to this. I feel guilty for my exAH at times as I posted recently. I however do not find it my responsibilty to take care of him any longer, because he is a grown man and if and when he hits his bottom without me in the way he can get help and take care of himself. If I cushion the fall like I used to it's all still my fault in his mind and he won't feel the weight of his choices. It may sound cold, but I love my A, I just fully dettached so that he can live his life without it taking me down with him. He was telling me the other day that a good day he gets a load of laundry done and that he knows he is barely functioning. I also heard him say that he has made his choices and needs to make better ones. I am not waiting or holding my breath, I am living my life. I pray he does find a way to AA and living a better life for himself and my 2 girls, in the mean time I am taking care of me and my kids and not obsessing about him and his life any longer. I can no longer force my will on him. He is in my HP's hands, because when I thought he was in my hands I blundered big time and almost went crazy. When I attend meetings and read Al-anon literature I get myself into a better place by working my recovery program and leave him to find his. I hope you are able to make it to a meeting. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
If you can save yourself from going nuts you owe it to you to do so. You can not save him from going wherever he chooses to go, we are asking outselves should we continue to "try" when the answer is trying to save someone else will only hurt us and maybe even prolong their lack of interest or desire to save themselves.
Part of my brain, heart and soul is different now, even though I don't want to live the life it would be to be with my A, I still struggle sometime with depressed sad thoughts,, would my brain and heart be in better conditions if I had not stayed so long? Don't know.. if I could turn back time and change that I would make different choices to protect me,, alanons not in recovery seem not to connect with the idea of protecting or taking care of ourselves I know it was a very difficult idea to get from my head to my heart, now I try to look at my feelings for my ex A BF as similar to someone who sometimes longs for a drug or alcohol after recovery,, I know he did not have my best interest at heart and was very damaging to me... so even if my mind "drifts" to the what ifs, what if he got sober or what if I had done this or that... I try to remember that was dangerous and damaging and if I were in that relationship again I would certainly be damaged more...so I better just put that out of my mind... all I can do is make my best choices today as best I can with the information I have now.
-- Edited by glad on Sunday 9th of October 2011 09:56:51 AM
I don't know if this will help, first off your healing is more important because we are only truly responsible for our own behavior and actions.
For me I have always looked at alcoholism or addiction really going hand and hand with mental illness. There is some trigger in the brain that makes one person able to walk away and another person just can't. That's how I had to come to terms with alcoholism as a disease of the mind. It's not a theory for everyone and there is no concrete evidence as I'm not a dr, it makes sense to me and helps me deal with the insanity that happens in my life from time to time.
What I do know is I'm not responsible for my AH's issues. I didn't cause them, I can't control them and I won't cure them. It all goes back to him when he gets sick and tired of being sick and tired maybe he will try and do something about them.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You know how they say not to take medications with alcohol because it may intensify/alter the body's reaction to the med? Hmm, with my ex I would say that he has certain socially negative personality traits that intensify with alcohol. And - it certainly felt like dealing with a mentally ill person - some of the arguements he made really did have me wishing my head could do the beatlejuice spin for relief! They were so far-reaching and the way he put them made his crazy accusations almost sound legitimate. My ex has been drinking (altering his mental state) for over 25 years - how can that not cause mental illiness?
Do you want to be living on the streets with him?
For me, I saw my future with my ex as having the same series of events going on for the rest of my life with ME suffering the consequences more than him because he's used to it and I'm not. Me kicking him out this last time and not taking him back, divorcing him, only gives him ammunition at the bars - it is proof that all women are ......
The way you put it makes me see your choice is simple, do you want to descend into insanity with him or not?
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
What are my obligations to him? ... Is my recovery more important?
...So confused.
You deserve to be emotionally healthy and happy. Putting your own recovery 1st makes this possible. It is easier for him to continue living in HIS illness when he can draw you into his problem.
My own case I think is an emotionally issue 1st and this allergy stuff 2nd.
What other boundaries do you need to set to protect your own emotionally and physical health? Maybe this is how to frame the idea of 'obligations'. What can you reasonably do after taking care of yourself that doens't further enable his addiction?
Alex, of course your recovery is more important. Your recovery is everything to you. Wherever you go, whatever you do, you will always be left with yourself. Your husband is an important part of your journey, it maybe be that he is there for the long haul, but the 1 person you know is going to be there, that is capable of giving you the most things, that needs to be the strongest person for you........IS YOU! Take care of #1. Self care is different than being selfISH. I think many in alanon confuse the two and feel guilty for engaging in self-care and developing/enforcing boundaries aimed at one's own self-interest.
alexmaui: I don't know if he is MI because I am not a dr. but my Ah is! It is possible but I don't really have any advice about $ except that when my Ah is in the disease he goes through lots of it!
