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Arrgghhh .. I'm trying to work through this and I'm more mad at myself, still highly disappointed in my AH. I went to the dang hardware store looking for that loaf of bread and son of a gun they were sold out! Grrr!! When push comes to shove I've done it to myself with this situation. I expected my AH to be supportive in a specific situation and he was NOT. It was ALL me according to him I'm unreasonable completely and totally. It's not all me and I know this because normal people would be venting. It' all me in the sense, I'm the one who has to deal with the crazy people next door. I'm the one who is dealing with the bullying situation at my daughters school (speaking to the principle). I'm the one who is dealing with the state on issues of extra services for my son. I do this because I am the one who is here. The other reason I have to do it, my AH will hide from this stuff and just pretend nothing is happening. So if he were home nothing in that area would get done, he won't deal with any kind of confrontation good or bad. When I say confrontation I'm not talking about screaming, yelling, going to throw down for a fight. I do not do Jerry Springer connections I prefer to leave that to other people. Those kinds of things truly do not interest me. I'm talking about the kind where you get that empty feeling in the pit of your stomach because you know you are uncomfortable having the discussion in the first place. I'm the one who has those and I am JUST as uncomfortable as the next guy. They are conversations that have to happen, even if it is uncomfortable, that's where I can put my children's needs ahead of my own even if I have that empty feeling in my gut. Again no one's blood pressure needs to be through the roof, chairs are not being thrown and I"m not punching anyone in the face. Even if they deserve it .. I figure only one of us on SCRAM at a time. HA HA. Seriously, violence is never the answer and I do not advocate that kind of response.
It is highly disappointing especially when it is a situation where HE is right here when some of the stuff happens. I just wish I felt like he had my back. He doesn't need to go to jail defending my honor. It would just be nice if he would back me. Good grief the landlord backed me with the cat situation and my own husband couldn't or wouldn't. That floored me on so many levels because even as a kid I fought my own battles that way. I had some hum dingers of them. In some ways his entitled attitude is amazingly scary and in others it's so not there. He thinks someone has a right to come on our property and remove animals without having a normal rational discussion. Yet, they have him left to right on a DUI and man oh man those charges should just disappear. WOW!! If it doesn't affect him directly he just doesn't want to be involved.
I'm struggling with the fact I owe an amends, I've got a hell of a vocabulary (no slang derogatory words, who needs slang there are MANY other words that aren't cuss words that suffice) and I know how to use my words (good and bad depending on the situation) and honestly I'm very much NOT prepared to make the amends it right now. My willingness has gone out the door. Maybe in the morning I will feel differently I"m not sure at the moment. Getting up to drive him into work isn't endearing him to me at the moment either .. lol. I agreed it's for the greater good of the family this weekend. It won't be happening next weekend I can say that, sleep is my friend and I miss my friend at the moment!!
Anyway, thanks for letting me just vent this I was very upset at the earlier. The situation 1/2 way resolved itself it's the whole issue that I couldn't even vent about it without having him act like a jerk was frustrating to me. I mean really just can't say I don't know honey or even it sounds like you are upset about this, what would help you feel better? It just really hurt my feelings, who knew I had any real feelings hurt. I'm not so teflon as I like to believe. (it's my pity party and I'll pity all over me if I want to .. ) It was more of a let down that this is one more thing he can't give me and I have to accept the fact he may never be able to give it. OR maybe I need a different perspective, that I need to ask clearly for what I need, the conversation went from bad to worse in the blink of an eye. I saw it when it was happening with no out in the heat of the moment.
Tomorrow is another day, thank goodness!! Hugs P
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have a theory that sometimes venting is a form of self care. It's certainly not a lifestyle, but on occasion I feel that venting is a far better option then possibly blurting stuff out during a less controlled moment!
Perhaps this vent has cleared the air for you to start fresh tomorrow.
Hugs Pushka - your post makes me think of a conversation I had a couple days ago - a male friend/boss and I were in a car, we'd stopped to look at furniture for a few minutes because we were in between tasks, had a few minutes and we were driving past it anyway. I talked about having possessions I can move myself. He said, "you like to be independent". And I said, NO, I don't LIKE to be independent, I've HAD to be, I would LOVE to have a man in my life I could depend on, one that wouldn't get mad if I needed something or needed something done; I would love to have a guy in my life I could depend on but it hasn't worked out that way.
So I get that sometimes, we just want it to be about us - I AM a pretty independent person, but sometimes, man, i'd like to come home to the smell of something wonderful cooking, table set, everything taken care of without having to think, oh no, i have to clean up the mess! And, there are times when we are so weary of shouldering the load all the time - where's the Beaver's dad? you know, the guy who calmly took care of everything so that the wife and the Beav could bake cookies?
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I hopped on here to look at a previous note from an alanon sister and appreciate your responses.
@rara - I hope so. I had been feeling so good, I'm really frustrated with myself at the moment and I think I need to be easy on myself and realize how much progress I have made and I made some really big leaps in the past 3 weeks. It's been overwhelming at times. I think I need a moment to catch my footing. There are some things going on that fell into my lap, kind of thinking this is a higher power thing. I'm being asked to put my program where my mouth is and it's a big step in step 2/3. Soooo .. I'm really trying to trust and not take the mantle up of control with what is going on.
@LMH - I like how you put "shouldering the load all of the time" that's exactly what I feel like emotionally, that I carry the relationship emotionally because he's got nothing to give. I know that sounds so unfair however WOW .. there is so much truth to that statement it's not even funny. I'm going to the hardware store looking for bread and my perception and expectation is that somehow this time he's going to have the bread. I remind myself they don't sell dang bread at a hardware store and even if they did I probably wouldn't want it!! It probably has sawdust and scrap metal in it, all I want is a nice loaf of bread!! That's to much to ask when it comes to the hardware store, .. lol. Again, maybe he does have it to give, maybe I"m just not being clear and I'm willing to go there as far as benefit of the doubt in that area. If I'm asking for a loaf of bread and he doesn't know what I'm asking for it's kind of hard to say he doesn't know.
I decided to work out of my books even though it's late. HA HA .. I'm getting up soon to take him to work anyway, so it's not much different. I'm finding myself caught in the web of obsessive thinking and I just feel ill when I do it anymore. I always felt ill when I did I just happen to notice it faster. That's a good thing. I started my gratitude journal and that was a good thing. I am keeping it simple a list of 5 things to be grateful for just for today I am grateful for.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I can relate to you so much. Venting helps to get things out of our system. Just to know that someone is listening or e-reading and giving us moral support helps so much. Thank God for support groups and for people who are willing to share their experience, strenght and hope. Like you, I too would love to have my Ah support in so many things. I always feel overwhelmed with the responsibilities and all. God forbid I get sick! Yes, I know that feeling.
Sending you lots of ESH Pushka. I can so, so relate as well. I feel like I was looking for a loaf of bread and when I went to the hardware store I got hit in the head with a hammer instead! When my AH started down the path of drinking, I started to feel really abandoned. When it got out of control, I was literally left holding the bag. It's like he just "checked out" of any responsibilities. He allowed himself to lose his job without giving a thought to what it would do to me and our child. It is so hard when everything feels like it falls on your own shoulders. I am trying to deal with my anger towards AH, while balancing it with my understanding that he didn't choose to be sick with this. I am also trying to deal with other issues - we are separated, but not divorced, and we still see each other since he comes over to visit our son, and things are almost "normal" when he does (but not really). It's hard to stop those thoughts from swirling around, but you're doing a great job of dealing with this and are showing lots of wisdom and resolve. Hugs, nyc
It sounds like your awareness is good and that you know you need self care too. You already received great ESH and I just want to say I am sending you love and support!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Well an interesting turn of events I thought I would share, not from one extreme to the other, however at 4am I sent a short text. I had to stop myself a couple of times .. LOL .. it wasn't going to be a nice text, I thought really girlfriend, you are going to be ok. No need to drag your dignity down the road behind you, pulling a Sherman burning all of the building left standing in the process. So it wound up being a very short text to the point no less. I wasn't mean or hard about things. I'm now being text that he wants to come home early and go to this church thing. This is a man who has not stepped foot inside the church since before his DUI. I was really shocked. I have a meeting tonight AND I'm going .. lol. The church deal is done at 5pm so the timing is perfect. I can drop everyone off and go. My son and I were going to be late because it starts when we have to get AH from work. So I have no idea what is going on and I'm ok with that (every time I type that I am ok with that I laugh because I always think of kaliel from Veggie Tales. My mother was a caterpillar but my father was a worm. I am ok with that.)
It was a hard night for me last night, I really had a few moments of wanting to take control and give ultimatums. That urge did pass and I did a lot of prayer as I wrote. I feel better I did read, I wrote, I did some thinking about some issues I'm struggling with, I did try and sleep. Coming here and finding responses that early in the AM was a huge blessing and now to see others it helps sooo much. My mind finally shut off much later I did get a few hours though that's a good thing. Sleep for me makes all the difference in the world between what I think in the moment is big and what I see it as the next day.
thank you all so much for the support. I'm a little twitchy yet, that's ok it's going to pass. I plan on having a wonderful time with our son and daughter. I'm hoping my AH and I have some nice time just being together no pressure. Living just in the moment. I'm not going to worry and obsess over if he is or is not having a good time. He's going to have to make it his own in that way.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I went to the dang hardware store looking for that loaf of bread and son of a gun they were sold out! 
Grrr!! When push comes to shove I've done it to myself with this situation. I expected my AH to be supportive in a specific situation and he was NOT. It was ALL me according to him I'm unreasonable completely and totally. It's not all me and I know this because normal people would be venting. It' all me in the sense, I'm the one who has to deal with the crazy people next door. I'm the one who is dealing with the bullying situation at my daughters school (speaking to the principle). I'm the one who is dealing with the state on issues of extra services for my son. I do this because I am the one who is here. The other reason I have to do it, my AH will hide from this stuff and just pretend nothing is happening. So if he were home nothing in that area would get done, he won't deal with any kind of confrontation good or bad. When I say confrontation I'm not talking about screaming, yelling, going to throw down for a fight. I do not do Jerry Springer connections I prefer to leave that to other people. 
I'm the one who has those and I am JUST as uncomfortable as the next guy. They are conversations that have to happen, even if it is uncomfortable, that's where I can put my children's needs ahead of my own even if I have that empty feeling in my gut. Again no one's blood pressure needs to be through the roof, chairs are not being thrown and I"m not punching anyone in the face. Even if they deserve it .. I figure only one of us on SCRAM at a time. 
HA HA. Seriously, violence is never the answer and I do not advocate that kind of response. 
The situation 1/2 way resolved itself it's the whole issue that I couldn't even vent about it without having him act like a jerk was frustrating to me. I mean really just can't say I don't know honey or even it sounds like you are upset about this, what would help you feel better? It just really hurt my feelings, who knew I had any real feelings hurt. I'm not so teflon as I like to believe. (it's my pity party and I'll pity all over me if I want to .. 