The material presented
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Trying to deal with anger the last few days and it's been rough. Been here alone at the house all day and trying to clean in order to keep from thinking. Hasn't been working very well, and now I'm having an auto-immune flareup so I'm in a lot of pain and can't keep doing chores.
Mom seems to be staying sober and instead of being happy for her, or even just having no response to it I'm furiously angry with her. I can't allow myself to be happy that she's sober right now so that I'm not crushed when it doesn't last. I don't have the resignation of knowing that she's drinking and that I can't do anything about it.
I can't speak with her about what she's put me through. She won't hear it yet. And now I am stuck with no validation for the pain I've been through and having to pretend that everything's ok.
Aloha dragon...The suggestion that worked for me back then and still does is leave the alcoholic or whoever alone...call up some program people (Al-Anon) and either go to a meeting or meet them somewhere so you can have a meeting. Don't try to lead the meeting just participate by listening, learning and practicing. What you are going thru is temporary and not about "them" or "her" of whoever. It's about you and that's the only person you can hope to fix...(with help of course). In support (((((hugs)))))
Are you attending alanon meetings? I don't know if you are able to go or not. What I can tell you is that they have helped me a great deal in trying to come to terms with my AH's DUI. My anger has been years in the making and the DUI literally pushed me over the edge, not in a pretty way either.
I can totally understand the disappointment of consistently feeling let down. What I have learned is my AH is either going to drink or he's not going to drink, what am I going to do. I have to keep the focus on me. Being angry at my AH serves no purpose, yelling at him about things in the past is not going to change what has happened. Oh good grief, someone has a great saying, .. When I stopped looking at the past thinking I could make it better, I started seeing a better future I was able to start to let it go. It's not exactly what is the phrase it still makes a lot of sense. The past is never going to change no matter how much I want it to be different. I can wail on him verbally every day about the DUI, it's not going to change the fact he's in the middle of dealing with the consequences. It's not going to change the past.
Sometimes we have to provide our own validation or go somewhere like alanon and find our validation there. I know there are things from my parents I will never be validated on because one doesn't talk to me and the other will never admit their part in what happened in my childhood. It sucked it should have never happened, it did and I have to deal with some not fun stuff. It's on me to deal and while I may never get the amends I deserve I can give myself the things I lacked growing up.
My parents did the best they could, while I don't agree with it I can see how based upon the tools they have they just couldn't do any better than they were doing in that moment. I can stay bitter and angry with them, who am I hurting? Them or me? I still struggle with my mom, at this point I will always have trust issues with her. Because of the distance she will not be able to have my kids visit her without me being there with them. I do not trust her. It's a big one for me. Maybe some day just def not today.
It does get better and you do not have to be alone. I hope you will attend alanon if you get a chance.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Before I joined Alanon, I suffered from panic attacks daily. It was my doctor that actually diagnosed it as such. I thought I was having a heart attack. It felt so real! The same doctor send me to Alanon to seek moral support. I've been around since 1999 and could not have made it without this program. What I know today is that alcoholics will drink whether we like it or not. If they are not ready to stop drinking, nothing will get in their way. It is a waste of our energy to try to control their drinking. Alanon tells us to put the focus on us. We have to be our number one priority. That is how I am keeping my sanity.
I live with an active alcoholic. He has no recovery program. He is not ready to give up driking yet. I don't get in his way. He has to reach his own bottom. Keep coming back!
