The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So last nights meeting is a meeting I kind of hit and miss from week to week. It really depends on what I need. I have a difficult time missing Simon Baker .. lol .. on the show The Mentalist. Last night was the open AA boy do I love those. I enjoy the group. I don't know if I have shared this before, I've had 3 times into alanon and this third time is the time it seems to have stuck. I am so grateful to be an active alanon member and I have so much to learn, unlearn, it's a never ending program which is way ok.
The first time I went in .. was in my 20's and it was for my ex sdad's alcoholism, perscription pain meds (nothing like living next to a dr who will write unlimited scripts, where are these people when I need them? Geeze .. lol? I fight for pills I got when I broke my ankle.) My mom and I only attended one meeting and now I see other young women with their mothers and think please, please, please come back to another meeting, sometimes they do and then they stop. I have to admit that first time I was scared when I heard how long everyone else had been in the program, 5, 10, 15, 20 years .. good grief it was 12 steps how in the world could people not get 12 little steps down and work their programs alone? It didn't make any sense and it actually scared me as a new comer.
The second time, OMG .. I was a hot mess level 1. I say a level 1 because we went about my husbands parents and I wasn't ready to give up any mantles. So my level of personal pain hadn't out weighed my emotional payoff. That had been 10 maybe 11 years ago I believe. I was angry, very, in a town I didn't want to be in dealing with a situation I already had seen coming a few years prior and boy was I ticked off. My AH actually went with me poor man didn't say a word as I blubbered. Again with how long people had been in the program, that was a scary number to me.
The third time I went, it stuck and all I can say is my personal pain was about a level 4, which was so not pretty. Irnoically, it wasn't my AH's DUI that got me in the door it was the fact I was really ticked off at the therapist we had been seeing who said I had a problem .. boy I was going to show her, I didn't have any issues it was ALL MY AH!! Plus Alanon was not for me, it was for other people not for me, I did better on my own. I blubbered again. Actually I got kicked in the butt, swiftly and hard .. lol .. by another person, who pretty much said get off the pity pot and that ticked me off even more, who the hell did that woman think she was? I got home with the intention of never going back, and I had time to sit and digest what had been said, my reactions and what did I really want to do. What legacy for my children kept going through my mind. Crazy behavior mom or someone they would look up to and say WOW .. mom was human, she fell down more than once, however know what .. she was our rock star mom, imperfections and all. Hmmm .. maybe that pity pot was a little bigger than I thought and maybe it was time to remove the super glue by which it stuck to my butt.
I decided to hit meetings hard when I got serious about finding a sponsor. It turns out my home group I really didn't find anyone I gelled with, not on anyone there totally on me. The person I did like she wasn't ready yet. That was a littel brutal however .. my world did not end out of rejection, I had to deal with some uncomfortable feelings that were totally on me. I even pouted a bit and missed a couple meetings during this time. About that time I had found MIP. Thank goodness for everyone here, I have weeks where I don't know how I"m going to make it and then someone here says what I need to hear. The sun kept coming up and the earth kept turning, I had to get over myself and I did.
I went to this Thursday meeting years ago and my first time back this little gal stopped me and said, I know you .. she is an elderly woman could be my grandma in a min. You've been here before I know it. I laughed and said yup, I sure have MANY years ago. I told her probably about 10ish maybe moving in down the road of 11 years. I shook my head and said, "Yup .. I didn't listen when you all said keep coming back and I got a little derailed in the process." I'm so glad and grateful to be back now and working this program to the best of my ability. I am humble enough (I think .. lol) to know I will never get it all. Now maybe it's age, maybe it's life those numbers of how long someone has been in the program no longer scare me. I'm so grateful that I'm able to look to those people who have been in years for ESH. They always know what I need to hear, and the ultimate responsibility is still on me of my own personal choices.
Thanks again for being such a great group and thanks for letting me share and ramble .. which I know I do .. LOL. I'm only this bad when I write .. or at least I hope so.
Hugs, Keep coming back P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Pushka this is an awesome share. I needed to read this today :) I like how you said you came and went and how you felt about so many people having so many years in program. That scared me too, how many other self help groups have you keep coming for years and years? Well I guess ones that work do. And alanon works. The thing is, for me, I have to keep reminding myself that I didn't get sick in the head in a short time, so I won't get well in a short time. I have a whole life to over come. With the help of meetings, and HP, I am over coming, little by little... Thanks for this great post :) HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Great story, and another fine example of how the program really IS the constant, and it is always there when we are ready to accept it...
I often share my similar story.... I entered the doors of Al-Anon the first time when things were really rough at home... my AW's drinking had escalated to previously unseen levels, and my life was truly unmanageable.... I went to Al-Anon, and stopped after a few meetings, as I remember thinking "this is just a bunch of bitter old ladies, complaining about their alcoholics"..... I also remember my ego, as I was "better than that", wanted to "move forward, not stay stuck", and thus figured that I would be better off doing this on my own....
So I went home, and didn't go back for at least a year..... and in that year my life reached new levels of being "unmanageable".... I went back to the same meeting, and found a group of warm, loving people who were heartfelt and genuine, and truly doing something for themselves, and were working their own programs, and each of them had at least some level of peace and serenity..... Funny thing is, it was the same people!! (Boy, did they ever learn a lot in that year, lol)
The reality is - I wasn't ready for recovery the first time around.... Much like our A's, when they try AA again & again - sometimes sticking with it, other times going in and out of it.... The only difference is that for an alcoholic, it is truly a life or death thing - for us, it's more of a 'life quality' issue (albeit still a very serious one).
Thanks for sharing
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
