Got a taste of reality - Al-Anon Family Group

Jonesy0505 · Veteran Member

Got a taste of reality

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs, I am so sorry Jonesy I can hear how much pain you are in at the moment.

Are you taking care of you by attending alanon meetings? I can't remember if you can or not, it's so important during these times of crisis to take care of ourselves. Call an alanon hotline or call an alanon friend.

I wish you could attend an open AA speaker meeting, it really helps me put things into perspective from the other side of the coin. Not saying that any of my AH's behavior is ok, especially when it leaves my own family in the wake of collateral damage. It takes so much pressure off of me. I stopped seeing what he does as "doing it to me" and it became more about him being really sick in thought and behavior. I was able to stop beating myself up about what he does or doesn't do when it comes to his own healing. I just know I have to and I mean I have to keep the focus on me, keep my side of the street clean, and that for me keeps me so busy so I can start doing and continue to do the things that are right for me.

Hugs again, and so sorry you are having a difficult time at the moment.

Hugs P :)

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Jonesy you're not a fool. Not cool feeling bad about the addicts treatment of you and then picking up the mallet and hitting yourself with it also.

You are not his addiction counselor or his sponsor or in anyway shape or form more powerful than his disease of addiction. It is running him and not the other way around. It is a more serious taskmaster than you are and much more powerful, cunning and baffling. Setting him up with expectations is setting yourself up for a major resentment.

Find out where the nearest (place and time) face to face meeting of the Al-Anon Family Groups' are get there early...sit down and listen with an open mind...wide open mind and get literature from the literature table. You don't need to ask his permission or fill him in on what you're doing for you cause its your business only.

Think about our 3C's...We didn't cause it. We can't Control it. We will not ever Cure it. So turn it over (HP speak) and come take care of yourself. MIP has lots of room for new family members and you have family here.

(((((hugs))))) smile

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

The old saying goes, "you can lead a horse to water but you cant make them drink" probably describes what you feel at this point. For me I nearly was going crazy trying to find solutions that would help get my loved one to stop drinking. What really worked was focusing on myself going to meetings, getting a sponsor, and working the steps with her despite their drinking. My life changed and I see it nothing short of a miracle.

When I look at the part of the serenity prayer, "courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference", therein lies the instructions for me to take.

In support,

Tommye

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Take care of yourself! Have you read "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews. Great book. I am sending you love and support on your path!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Jonesy...Alcohol and drugs are pretty powerful. The bottom a person has to hit before they are willing to take that honest look and admit powerlessness is staggering sometimes. Some people really do need to lose their relationships, homes...It takes that much to shake them out of the denial. I tell you this so that you know even more that you are dealing with something really powerful....way more powerful than you so in that aspect...Nothing you do can compete with the draw of the drugs and alcohol for him right now. He is going to have to hit bottom really hard if he's gonna recover. For some folks, jail is enough, for some it's not.

Jonesy0505 · Veteran Member

Thanks everyone for your support and guidance. I've been doing pretty good as to taking care of myself more and focusing less and less on him. About the only thing I've been doing for him lately is picking him up from meetings. At this point, I'm almost thinking he is a lost cause. He lost everything before (his ex-wife, a beautiful home, nice cars, good job, and his son). For some, I guess that's not even enough. I have been reading "Getting them sober" diligently the past week and its really been an eye opener for me in so many ways right down to exact dialogue that has been spoken between us. I really wish I could get to a f2f meeting but right now it is so hard for me. As I've mentioned, I have a 4-yr old autistic son who is in a program to prepare him for school next year and they are here 5 days a week, 6 hours a day in my home and I have to be here when they are here. At night, meetings are, in my locale anyway, always around the time I need to get him (which is quite a feat) and my daughter off to bed. I am working on trying to have a respite worker come in even one night a week that is trained in autism so that I could attend even one meeting a week. In the meantime though, you all help me more than I could ever put into words. Thanks for letting me vent my frustrations, hopes, disappointments, and everything else.

Sherri

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I have to keep coming back to step 1 every day. I am powerless over the alcoholic, addict, his stuff, him, anything to do with any decision he is making... I am powerless over it all. He has an addiction and I can't control it. I can only control me and my stuff. Its not easy to stop worrying about him, and especially when your loved one keeps disapearing... I can understand from your words how hard that is on you. For me, I work on staying busy and coming on this board when I can. Meetings on here are at night around 9pm in the chat room, maybe if you can't get out to a meeting you can try the chat meeting. There are phone meetings too, I think if you look on Alanon's website they have the listed there. HUGS to you. Take care of you :)

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Jonesy .. I'm right there with you tonight in the pain department .. My addict went for a long time really trying until his nephew sent him an herb that had the similar affect of meth (i'm thinking) .. now because it's legal, he minimises it to it's just an herb yet the symptoms are similar .. to make a long story short we had a crazy trip to another state and when we came home he up and left .. that's it .. said he doesn't want anything to do with me and he's breaking up .. I am seriously feeling some Real and painful past abandonment issues ..

i remember when my sponsor told me the reason i felt like i'd known my addict my whole life was because I had .. i'd known the behaviors .. the reason i'm mentioning this is because some of the pain we feel with them is sometimes related to relationships from the past .. times we've known this type of pain from family members even and other .. the subconscious behaviors we get comfortable with .. there's a reading in courage to change that reads growing up in an alcoholic environment, the concept of being gentle with myself was foreign to me .. i'm so hard on myself when i spin out on telling me i'm an idiot to be fooled literally (over and over again) .. i try to be gentler at least in my self name calling area now .. i catch myself once in awhile but progress not perfection .. the disease of addictions/alcohol is cunning baffling, manipulative, powerful, deceptive, etc.. The addict in my life Always got the best of me .. I never did quite catch him in too many things immediately .. i spent forever wondering why i felt so crazy .. now that i see more of what he does, he's gone .. literally ..

it's absolutely crushing sometimes .. hang in there and keep sharing .. we're with you in spirit ..

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.