The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello and thank you all first of all for being here, I have been lurking for about a year and only set up an account very recently.
Background - I am 39 and have been with my A for 10 years, married for the past 2. I married him because we both wanted to start a family (didn't happen although ttc for 2 years). He is a binge drinker and when drunk, blackouts are the norm (repeating constantly and wondering how I'm finishing sentences for him) and also his personality changes from quiet, gentle, laid back to aggressive, angry, unreasonable. He isn't violent except one hit last year and that was after I was so frustrated with him following me about the house trying to start arguments that I tried to push him out of the bedroom door to close it and he reacted by grabbing me and hitting me once on the face. He couldn't remember it afterwards and I don't think he believes that it actually happened.
When that happened though it was like a light came on in me. I lost the plot a bit, was signed off work (for bursting into tears three or four times and being unable to concentrate) and went for counselling who recommended Al Anon; I went to four or five meetings and started reading Melody Beattie's Codependent No More and also Al Anon's Courage to Change. I started reading this forum almost daily and also posting on another forum (not Al Anon but has a thread for partners of addicts).
I tried the tools. Detachment, prayer and starting to learn to look after myself made the following year much better for me at home. His drinking slowed down significantly and I hoped that things would continue to improve. Unfortunately it didn't, and one morning in August he opened a can of lager at 9am; I heard the 'psssst' but decided to 'detach detach detach' and let it ride. 15 mins later another 'psssst' and that was it. I left the house and stayed at my sister's for 2 weeks. I said it's your decision; in 2 weeks I'm coming back home. You're going to admit you have a problem with drink and get help for it, either AA or counselling of some sort. Or you're going to decide it's me that has a problem, that your life as it is now with the alcohol etc is normal and the way you want to be; in which case you have to accept that I cannot and will not live like that any longer and we divorce.
He drank rather than thought (in fact he locked himself out twice and both times I went and opened the door for him - caretake, caretake) and after about a month of him doing the charm offensive but me being firm (ish), he left and is now in a bedsit near his work.
My problem now is: he's coming over tomorrow to visit. It's the first time since he left 2 weeks ago. He asked me last week to 'keep in touch' and as I was trying to keep things amicable I agreed.
In my mind I'm not punishing him for drinking - I'm trying to make him have to deal with consequences rather than have me rescuing all the time (setting alarm for work etc, letting him in when he locks himself out drunk etc). The idea being that he 'hits rock bottom' and realises that he's not in control of the drink and decides to seek help. I have said it's AA or alcohol counselling or I'm out of his life for good.
But I've come to believe (and spent most of this evening discussing with my sister) that for him to actually believe I'm serious about this, it needs to be no contact. How do I tell him? I have no idea what he will say or react. Should I tell him tomorrow face to face or should I tell him I've changed my mind and not to come over at all? He's left most of his stuff here (of course - I feel that he still thinks I'm 'bluffing' or trying to scare him). Since he's left we have spoken on the phone twice and both times he has mentioned drinking ('only 2 cans' etc etc). One reason he's in this part of town tomorrow is to 'get some dope' (I have never said anything to him about cannabis as he doesn't get aggressive on it. In fact I have enjoyed a joint with him at home many times in the past although I don't smoke it any other time and don't want or need to have any at all). He just doesn't get it does he?
I'm so sorry this is so long. I have also asked my sister to help me get to Al Anon f2f meetings again as I have been putting off going. I don't really want to leave the house at all except to go to work or meet my sister and 5 year old niece (my reasons for smiling these days, thank God for them).
Thanks if you've read this far and thank you all again from the bottom of my heart for all your shares over the past year (I've probably read them all!)
Hi I am new to this so I can only give you what I hear and what I nodded with and what I felt as I read your post. I read that you have set your boundaries for you.. and I also read they are tempered with an ultimatum that he accept he has a problem For me, when I find myself thinking or feeling like that, it is control that is the root of the problem. I am trying to control his behaviour by saying, it is me or the alcohol. I am kinda making him/forcing him, to chose me or the substance. We can't control it.
I have thought about giving that option to my husband. I then think about possible outcomes. He could say yes ok, Ichose you. I don't think I could fully trust that.. I woudl always be wondering if he were using when I was away... or at work... I would be fearful of him then lying to me about it again. (he still lies at times and sneaks around).
I would also think that he may substitute the alcohol for something else. Another problem may arise. Perhaps he would hold that decision over my head for the rest of the relationship, for example, if I wanted to do soemthing he didn't he may say ... "Hey.. I gave up (xyz) for you so you must now..."
If you have set the boundaries by moving out, you made that decision for you.. didn't you? I know for me, I am a master of emotional manipulation. I think I have made a decision for me, but in reality, I am trying to manipulate another persons behaviour
First off welcome to the boards I"m so glad you decided to share. Are you still attending alanon meetings? They are a great help the face to face is just soooo different than the boards. The boards are GREAT I love these boards they get me through on some days until my next meeting. It is different and I think for me it's the physical voice that hits me of really hearing that someone is experiencing what I'm going through. The face to face for me is where my healing really began to take off after I found a sponsor things really rock and rolled in a good way.
There are so many things that jump out at me when reading your post. Whatever I miss I know someone else will pick up behind me. The 3 C's, you did not cause the addiction, you cannot control the addiction and you will not cure the addiction. The only person you are going to control is yourself and that's really the reactions to any given situation in life. It's all we got.
I have often said rationalizing with an irrational person is like nailing jell-o to a tree it's just not going to happen. Arguing and debating with a bottle or can of alcohol is about the equivalent of that statement. Ditto on someone who is intoxicated.
I really hope you will attend another face to face meeting and share, listen whatever you are comfortable doing because you are not alone. Open AA meetings for me really shed light on the other side of the coin, it does not excuse the behavior it makes it more real for me. I can see clearer how distorted my AH's thinking is, what it means to be an addict. It becomes about how sick my AH is and not that he's "doing the addiction to me" it's easier for me not to take the drinking personally. If he only loved me more, if he only would see how much he's hurting me, if he would only .. it's pretty much for a long time how each sentence started for me.
The first step of alanon is We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (people, places, things and the past) -- and our lives had become unmanageable. It's not a step that is learned and then I get to forget, it's literally how I start my mornings each day. Some days I remember easier than others. Things DO change and they change for the better. I know I have found hope, which is a whole lot more than I had when I started the program.
Please keep coming back, hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi and welcome! I am glad you found the courage to share and I hope you make it to face to face meetings and in time find a wise sponsor. I reacted and then really reacted to my A's drinking for so many years that I wondered why I constantly spiraled and complained and why he just didn't get it already. I had to get out of my head and when I started going to meetings and realized I was sick too and was trying to rationalize with insanity, it really hit me. I wanted to get healthier and take care of myself more than I wanted to win or to save someone that didn't want saving. This board has been so amazing and helpful, but the meetings is where I hear and feel myself growing and I found my wise old sponsor there and she is helping me do my step work, has worked a program for so long that I know she has been there and done it and I trust in her ESH fully. I can call on her at anytime and she will talk me through or make me laugh at my situations (which I need at times). I needed someone that could relate and that had the tools, because my friends just couldn't understand what I was going through. I am sending you love and support on your journey.
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
He's supposed to be coming over today, I said after 5pm and it's 20 to 6 so we'll see if he does decide to come or not. I did set the boundary that if he's had a drink, he's not welcome. It's payday so I know having a drink may well be first on his list.
I have been stressing about how to handle this evening and realised that I am still trying to control things. So I've decided to let go and let God. I will see if he arrives sober, if so I will let him in and chat, we will discuss what he wants to do about his stuff. I hope I will then see a clear path and follow it. I miss him and being no contact would be hard on me too. I will mention it and see what he thinks himself.
Thanks again everyone. I am planning on attending the Monday meeting (that I used to go to last year) and I have asked my sis to encourage me to go if I start making excuses.
I hope this weekend is calm and fun for everybody :)
good luck. ive had to do similar- my mum- i have not answered the phone or had contact for weeks until she gets the message- its really hard. you must trust yourself- that you are doing the right thing and that yu know what you are doing. if it feels wrong to you- than dont see him- stick to your guns- you could always be out when he comes round and say you had an unexpected emergency......its good to have a complete break for a while- i agree- so some serious thinking can take place- becasue if you see him- it might delay this work he needs to do on himself. i think you are doing well. good luck xxxx
Thanks rosielee. He turned up at midnight, chapping on my letterbox until I woke up. I wasn't going to let him in but it was 'please can I have a quick drink of water and phone a taxi' so I opened the door. He wandered (drunk or stoned) to the kitchen and started opening the cupboards 'this tuna is mine, this sweetcorn is mine' (he doesn't eat either!) so I steered him gently back out of the door. Then 20 minutes later he was buzzing the intercom thing and calling me all sorts of names. I called a taxi for him and switched off my buzzer. Another half hour later he called my mobile 'I'm still downstairs, I want my work shirt for tomorrow' so I told him he had taken all but one of his work shirts and he could get the rest of his stuff during the day when he was sober. More name calling so I said 'goodnight' and hung up and switched the ringer off.
This makes it easier for me actually. I pity him but I'm getting angrier as well. I'm powerless over the alcohol but I have the power to set my own boundaries, for myself. If he doesn't want to be saved or helped then I'm not saving or helping him. I'm still sad but I would be sadder if I was still living with this.