The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My mother is always complaining about my sisters and myself. We are not the problem. She is drinking and making us the victim. She secretely drinks, and thinks that because we are younger, WE must be the problem.
The rest of her family will not want to talk to her because we all know what she is..
She has been married before. The former husbands know what the same things we know...she drinks
Thanks group,
Susan
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 6th of October 2011 09:07:22 AM
Hi susan It sounds like you are holding anger toward your mother. Hang around and read and you may find some options to find some happiness amongst it all
if you back away, then she will find herself with the same problems and realise it wasnt the people around her- but herself that was the issue. backing away is very painful all around- I have had these problems from my Mum for years so I know exactly what you are going to through. i am reading on the web and it says that people like us should be firm- set boundarys and trust ourselves...that we arent going mad. I really think when someone is so sick you just have to back away for a while and leave them to it- you may be able to stick with it for a while- but i believe no one can do it without a break.
hope this reply isnt preachey...im in the same boat- there are actually no solutions...just little strategies i suppose.
I too have a parent that is an active drinker. He doesnt hide who he is, he has always been very public with his drunkeness. But, I have experience with two other family members that would lie incessently straight to my face that they were drinking. Never mind they were swaying, slurring words, and often falling down.
Going to face to face meetings of alanon has taught me the power of the 3C's:
You did not Cause it
You cannot Control it
You cannot Cure it
There is one more C that is mentioned in our literature which is we can Contribute to it. For me I could not prevent or reason with an alcoholic parent. Denial is central to keeping the disease alive. I have found the disease does not like to be called out or recognized. When I would see the symptoms and say you have been drinking or you are an alcoholic, a fight would ensue. The endless dance of insanity would follow and everyone in the family would be sucked into a dark hole. Today I know not to ask questions that I already know the answers to.
Face to face meetings of Alanon helped break that cycle for me. I no longer was alone and had to bear the weight of the actions from many alcoholic family members. I found useful tools to use which I learned from going to the meetings and working the steps with a sponsor. The program taught me to detach with love and set boundaries with family members who still choose to drink.
There is a pamphlet that you can buy online or I think it is .75 in the face to face rooms of Alanon. It is called "Alcoholism, The Merry Go Round Named Denial" It was so helpful to me to recognize my part in the sick process. When one person steps out of the circle, lays down the sword, then healing can begin. A slogan in the rooms of Alanon that has been so useful to me is "Let It Begin With Me"
Please keep coming back and posting. I do so appreciate the opportunity to share that there is hope as there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness to great to be lessened.
Hi there and welcome to MIP! I can relate to you so much with my own Mother during my childhood. I wasn't going to Al-anon back then and didn't know she had a problem with an addiction, but I knew she had some major problems and took it out on her children. I married someone a bit like her without realizing at the time. I wasn't going to Al-anon meetings or reading Al-anon literature. So here I am at 33 divorced and getting the tools now to live life dettached from my loved ones and taking care of myself and my children with a smile on my face finally. I am hoping you can find some meetings in your area and a sponsor. There is a number under my nick here and I read a great book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews and "Perfect Daughters" by Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D. I am sending you courage, love and support on your journey!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
I'm glad to read that you know you're not the problem. It's apparent and quite understanble that your mother's drinking negatively impacts you.
Your mother might not be getting it; however, don't let her stop you from getting it.
I have found that reading about alcoholism has helped me. Moreover, I have been attending Al-Anon meetings for the past 7 months; I found them awkward at first. However, I kept at it until I finally feel comfortable.
I have gained so much from attending face-to-face meetings. I hope you are considering meetings. Until then, please feel free to post anytime about what's on your mind & heart. There are so many helpful, caring members here at MIP.
Again, welcome!
Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
