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level.
I apologize in advance if I am venting, I am just having trouble with my thoughts today. I recently separated from AH after his alcoholism sent him in a downward spiral of insanity this summer, landing him in detox, several relapses, and rehab. Then, he got fired from a very good job that he worked hard to get. Throughout our 7 years together he has had lots of job trouble, most of it through no fault of his own (until now). Two years he got a good job he liked, but his entire department was cut only a few months into it. It took him over a year to get his last job, which was a wonderful opportunity. But no sooner did he start then he began drinking himself into a stupor. They fired him only after many warnings about his absenteeism, which he continued not to heed. Of course I pleaded with him to get his act together, but to no avail. The last 2 months he just was drunk too often and after he got back from rehab he got fired.
Hes been sober for about a month (part of it he was in rehab) and now is trying to find a job again. I am just so angry. He forfeited his last job, which could have been a great career. Instead, he is back to square one in the middle of an awful economy, with a fragmented resume to show for it, and only 9 months in his last job. I feel when he talks to me that he just doesnt get it doesnt get how awfully irresponsible it was of him to do this. We have a small child and now it is fully up to me to provide for him.
I know the 3 cs. I know he did this to himself, I know there was nothing I could have done to stop him from drinking himself out of his job, and it was inevitable as he was totally out of control. The more I pleaded, the more he defied. I still love him and miss what he was before all this, but I am just so mad. I also expect that at some point he will start to act all self-pitying about his lack of job success. Yes, totally illogical since he did this to himself this time, but the disease defies logic.
I know I need to let go of what will happen. I have a small child and my focus needs to be on him. I shouldnt do it, but when my mind goes astray and I think about how AH allowed this to happen, I just get so frustrated. I guess I really need to implement alanon principles when these thoughts come into my head. I still worry, almost revert to old ways where I give him direction and advice, but finally realize I cant do that. Its up to him to pick up the pieces of the life he allowed to crumble. Its so hard to see someone you love allow himself to be part of a train wreck, then have rebuild the train. Well, maybe its just a necessary part of the process.
I fully can empathize with what you are talking about especially the watching the train wreck and hoping something good sticks out of the mess. This week for me has been a step 1 week, (really it's a 1,2,3 waltz I'm doing at the moment).. I can't, God can, I'll let him. Going to that place of powerlessness when the situation screams "FIX ME!" is a biggie in my little world. I got 1/2 of me going sounds great and the other half going are you crazy!?
Feelings change, and feelings aren't facts, they are neither right or wrong they just are (and in that moment they are right for you). My own trust issues are being tested left and right and I've got to give it to God (the HP of my understanding) and have faith that He is going to see my family through these financial times.
The money stuff is a biggie for me it's really hard not to feel resentful about how much is going out for my AH's DUI knowing what we could be doing with that money, I can't put spilled milk back in the bottle I have to accept this is the reality and deal with the reality of my own situation the best I can. The money has to go out it's not an option. I only need to focus on my own part, if I don't have a part then I need to leave it with my AH and not engage especially if I'm feeling negative about it.
Hugs P :)
It does get better, the good days get longer. Please keep coming back and I hope you are able to go to meetings in your area.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Boy, does this post bring back memories for me....
I had to be held accountable by my wise old sponsor, to be reminded "it's okay to look at your past - just don't stare".....
Yes, your frustration is real, and likely even justifiable.... I had to be reminded, many times over, that I cannot keep beating my A up over their past - particularly when they are currently in recovery.... I made a choice, at the time, to stay.... that was the right choice for me - but with that choice I had to accept that I could not "change the past", and can only hold my A accountable for their actions and decisions from this day forward..... That was a bitter pill to swallow for me, at the time, but it IS true....
We use the past to help us guide our responses/reactions to things, and that is only normal.... You are jaded by his past failures, and that is understandable.... I would encourage you to carefully examine his actions and efforts "just for today", and try your best not to dig up his past too much - particularly while he is actively seeking recovery.... Easier said than done, to be sure...
I beat up a lot of pillows when my wife was active, and even during her early recovery.... I was angry, and couldn't & wouldn't take it out on her, so I had to deal with it some other way...
Hope that helps
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I had a dealing with my A today over our children and boundaries yet again and had to spend an hour on the treadmill to get out my frustrations in a healthy way. I don't try to make sense of his thinking any more or talk to walls any longer either. Working your recovery program is the best thing you can do and take care of yourself and your little boy! I am sending you love and support!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Boy, does this post bring back memories for me....
I had to be held accountable by my wise old sponsor, to be reminded "it's okay to look at your past - just don't stare".....
Yes, your frustration is real, and likely even justifiable.... I had to be reminded, many times over, that I cannot keep beating my A up over their past - particularly when they are currently in recovery.... I made a choice, at the time, to stay.... that was the right choice for me - but with that choice I had to accept that I could not "change the past", and can only hold my A accountable for their actions and decisions from this day forward..... That was a bitter pill to swallow for me, at the time, but it IS true....
We use the past to help us guide our responses/reactions to things, and that is only normal.... You are jaded by his past failures, and that is understandable.... I would encourage you to carefully examine his actions and efforts "just for today", and try your best not to dig up his past too much - particularly while he is actively seeking recovery.... Easier said than done, to be sure...
I beat up a lot of pillows when my wife was active, and even during her early recovery.... I was angry, and couldn't & wouldn't take it out on her, so I had to deal with it some other way...
Hope that helps
Tom
I'd just like to say those words above REALLY leapt out at me this morning. I'm in the UK and just having a read for strength whilst having breakfast.
Thank you, I'll remember those words today. Really bolstering!
