The material presented
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I have been away from MIP for a few weeks to a month and havent been reading here or going to F2F meetings.I am still reading my books though.I had been feeling strong, and like things were going okay.And I also felt like when I posted and read, it only made me think about the issues more.I didnt want to wallow in it anymore. I just wanted to live.Maybe I am naïve about my AHs use of alcohol and its impact on me. His drinking is working its way back into my life.While I was demanding he not drink, he didnt do it around me.But he was inclined to be away from me more.Now he wants to spend every minute with me and now he is drinking freely around me when we go to social events.At least he isnt drinking at home in the evenings anymore and for that I am grateful, but I find myself so put out that he cant attend a party or social event without beer being the focus.For me, it never has been.I dont like it and I rarely drink.Even when its a party.I am torn between giving in, drinking with him, or just not going to these things with him.When I drink a little, he says, see you can have fun. And when I dont, I end up stewing and being angry about his drinking, which means I dont have fun.Why cant I just let him do his thing?Well, partly because I dont like who he is when he drinks.And although I hate to admit it, Mostly because I feel he should want to give this up for me.I know its not about me.I just cant help by take it personally.Guess I really need to get back into F2F meetings.Any suggestions or words of wisdom here?
Hey there, glad you came back. I didn't want to be here or at meetings either back in February. I left everything. In April I came crawling back. This board loved and supported me back into meetings. There I found a sponsor. The things I can share with you are whats working: getting a sponsor and calling her every day, talking with other alanon friends from here, reading the literature and posting to the board to keep me in service. I go to one meeting a week right now, because of my kids' schedules after school, its made it hard to get to more, but that one meeting is a life line to me and I know if I don't go I feel terrible. I am learning to ask my HP to be with me through everything. It is hard, its hard to see them drink, its hard to work on me, but I am worth it so I will keep coming ;) Take care of you :) HUGS!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Thanks Youfoundme. I know what you say is right. I wish I could just accept that! It just seems so hard to have to keep fighting this battle. I wish it would just be done with. Yes, working on me is hard. And I guess I am down on me for not having fun and letting my AH's behavior effect me that way. I thought I had made more progress than that. A call to a friend in al-anon or a meeting are definitely in order. Thanks.
I'm sooo glad to see you back and posting again!!! Face to face meetings are where it is at girlfriend. Sponsor as well, it truly makes a HUGE difference. It all goes to Step 1, the easiest way to answer that question for me is Has my life become unmanageable? The answer is (for me) I'm powerless and I have to give it over something bigger than me because I cannot control people, places, things or the past (that is one for me I have to put there).
When I stopped looking at my AH doing things "to me" it stopped being personal. I had to get up off the floor to stop being a doormat and being a victim of my own circumstances.
Please keep coming back it works if you work it and you are so worth it!! Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I am torn between giving in, drinking with him, or just not going to these things with him. ... Well, partly because I dont like who he is when he drinks ...Any suggestions or words of wisdom here?
My choice would be 'It's not fun for me anymore when you're drinking. I'd love to go out and socialize with you if no drinking is envolved. I'll be going home if alcohol needs to be part of the evening'.
Hi and welcome back oldgraduate! I am glad you came back and shared. We all cycle in our program's a bit, but I hope you can find face to face meetings and a sponsor to help you on your journey too! Keep up the good work!
-- Edited by flopadopilus on Tuesday 4th of October 2011 06:35:20 PM
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Hi OG - my ex and I once identified alcohol as a big reason we were having so many problems and gave it up; I gave it up, he drank, of course, and each time led to a blow out because he is just unbearable when he's drinking and he doesn't know it. The blow-outs led to him storming away for a few months, and the mistake I made was letting him come back without any boundaries and no continuing to try not to drink; not re-identifying the problem I mean. Things resumed in our life and of course blew up again when I got to a point where I couldn't take his abuse anymore - that was the last time; we are now divorced because I could see that NOTHING I did was ever going to get through to him - nothing was going to change. Even after 10 months apart he still harbored hope that i would give in and let him come home like nothing happened - but - I'd done that one, wasn't going to anymore. When I asked myself - he'll either drink or he won't (and probably he will) what will I do? Knowing he becomes unbearable, verbally abusive, disrespectful, mean and hateful when he drinks, AND knowing he will drink, the next question to answer was, what will I do? Do I want to live this way for the rest of my life? Do I HAVE to live this way? no to both - He berates me for throwing away a good marriage and my head does the beatlejuice spin huh? what was good about being yelled at, called names, in debt, afraid of the phone ringing, afraid to open the mailbox for fear of another collection letter..... What was good about it? I took to heart that nothing changes if nothing changes, I'd tried just going back to the same ole and fat lot of good it did me - so I kept him away. The longer I kept him away, the stronger I became, the more I returned to the me I was, the less inclined I was to go back to the life we had together. And, the longer I'm away from his manipulations, the quicker I can catch onto them, the more clearly I see him for who he is, realize how right I was to just stop the insanity and get off the crazy train.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
