Wife is angry at my A parents - Al-Anon Family Group

mikeco · Member

Wife is angry at my A parents

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Mike,

So sorry to hear about your divorce situation. It's not your job to "make" your wife see the error of her ways with your parents right or wrong on their part, her part. This sounds like a situation to me that is kind of a paradox. You want your wife to take her part in her relationship with your parents and she wants your parents to change and see how wrong they were, I'm hearing a struggle of control going on between you and your wife.

You've suggested that she could benefit from alanon, you've stopped being the go between which isn't your job anyway. I really don't see what else you can do outside of turning it over to everyone's HP and allowing them to work it out on their own. Your wife may never get it or want to get it. That's not your issue. Yes, of course everyone having a civil relationship would be a good thing. It's not your job to continue to force your own solution of getting your wife to alanon or a better relationship with your parents.

Hugs P :)

mikeco · Member

Thank you so much for your response P! It was my sponsor that put that bug in my ear a few years ago "So why do they need to be together if they can't get along?" I stopped trying to get everyone together and they have not seen each other in about 5-6 years. Although I maintain a relationship with each (wife and kids/ parents) separately it has been a blessing for me to not have to be a part of the drama that happens when everyone is together. There is still a large resentment from each side toward the other, but I am a much happier person because of the distance.
I am made to feel that it is my responsibility to "Do something to defend my wife and kids" in this matter but I think the separation between them and my parents is really the best thing that could have happened. Neither side has found their way into a program, but thankfully I have. This has given me some very valuable tools to help me deal for me and to quit trying to make everyone else happy(my usual role). Thank you all for being here to help and share. I will start my day on a positive note and try to carry that!!!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Mike...I can hear your 7 years of experience in Al-Anon very clearly and it sounds like "you know and know that you know" and are into the practice of it. I had to learn to let my non-alcoholic spouse hit bottom also and then let her hit it again and again until her painful tush caused her to change the things she can...herself, a bit, somewhat, this way or that. She still has the compulsion and as I look at it I remember "we are not perfect" and that she is a part of we and so am I and of course HP. There are times I can "share" with her and other times I can just go elsewhere. My spouse can be as manipulative and forceful as I remember doing and I have to remember her good points along with the "non-perfect" stuff. "Acceptance is the solution to all of my problems" is a deeply helpful thought and awareness for me when I get into the power and control struggles.

Sometimes I will remark "Ouch!! I bet that hurts huh?" when I see her loose a useless battle and at other times I just will smile and look at her and say, "You know I can't win those either." Just sharing.

Keep coming back...I really like the thread. ((((hugs)))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I keep Al Anon lit laying around here. My son would come up and pick it up and read it.

Sometimes I just said well this is how I look at it,not telling anyone else what to do, this works for me. In time my son, "got it." He divorced his raging, cheating A wife.

He had the tools I shared that worked for me.

Also I was taught from a young age that if people don't get along, fight whatever it's up to them to figure it out.

My two kids were only 14 mo. apart. My friend her son and we would go hiking etc. My two would start scrapping one would throw mud, the other would, I stayed out of it. My friend was like ugh aren't you going to do anything? no. lol Next thing ya know my kids are lauging and covered in mud. Which they tended to do A LOT. lol. Well when he threw a worm but I stopped that, the worm was an innocent bystander....lol

I was really there with my AH. He never stood up for me. Not until proof when she was listening in on a phone conversation we were having...oops.

It's not so much she wants you to do anything. For me it was more I needed him to be with me on it, be my husband as we were one. There is nothing wrong with saying Ya know I am on your side, completely. I just know that saying anything would do NO good. I find sometimes people who want to push their own beliefs and agendas to better with non emotional information. Like print outs of how addiction is a disease, that some people are born with dna that predisposes them to be an addict. How it causes brain damage, how there is no way anyone can respond apprpriately when they are an using A.

I hope you don't give up on your marriage over this!sounds like she is desperate for your love and devotion.

there is always, you might be right babe. Oh really that is how you look at it? what about ......

Glad you shared with us! love,debilyn

mikeco · Member

Wow, thank you for that!! I often feel crazy for feeling like that because she's my wife but you are exactly right. Most of our issues are with her trying to control everything and everyone around her and I just can't take it any longer. I have tried to tell her but she can't or won't hear me and continues her behavior. I just have to let her go. I can't thank you enough for the support!!!

Mike

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Mike...the issue between you and your wife is primary. If you have good communication with her....if you can really love each other and get to the root of what is drawing you apart....the rest will follow. If I love somebody and our communication is good, I will support them regardless of their family. I sense the issues between you and you wife are larger than about your parents and you will be going in circles if you make it about them. Much like alanon turns the focus on you, I think it would help to turn all the focus on your marriage and not on other relationships (even if your wife leads you there by bitching about your parents). Just food for thought. Take what you want and leave the rest if this doesn't make sense.

mikeco · Member

So much to draw from. Thanks everyone! We have lots to work on, but working on it means that it will get better for both of us one way or the other!

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