My weekend - Al-Anon Family Group

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

My weekend

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

is that progress... thoughts...

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda Hugs,

Every day is an opportunity for progress it sounds like you used the program tools that you have and are taking the right steps in the right direction. Keep up the good work and keep moving in a positive direction. :) Good for you on keeping a positive attitude. :)

I hear a lot in your posts where you keep count of how much he smokes and when he does and so on (not a judgement, just an observation). That is part of step 1 being powerless over (instead of alcoholism) addiction and choice of substance. You can't control if and when he smokes, how much he smokes, how many days in a row he smokes. A lot of Getting Them Sober applies to living with any active addict as far as engaging them what our part is and so on. Maybe instead of counting how many times, you can redirect your mind to let go of that illusion of control. I've read you like to meditate and are working with a Shaman. It really doesn't matter if he smokes one time out of the week or it's daily his smoking bothers you.

I know you aren't able to attend alanon meetings in your area you mentioned once that you met with an alanon person though picking up the phone and calling them is a good way to help you take all of the focus off of him and put it back on you. What do you need to do not about what is he doing or has he done.

The disappointment is totally understandable of wanting someone to do something to help themselves and they just refuse to do so. Why can't they see how much they are hurting someone else who loves them? It all boils down to I have to remind myself every single day (sometimes multiple times .. lol) I can't control people, places, things (and I add the past for good measure to that statement). I am powerless of someone else's addiction of choice, whatever it is I am powerless. Once I state something one time, I've got to find a way to let it go.

Hugs P :)

Keep working it, you try so very hard and if you reread some of your past posts I"m sure you will be able to see how far you have come. :)

rrib · Senior Member

Lindaoakford wrote:
My boundary is that I do not want him stoned when we are spending time together.
He was still a little stoned when he finished the job and I did interact with him, but I said to him "I am getting sick of repeating myself 100times before you respond to me, tell me when you are not buzzing as much so I can talk to you"
Is that progress????

Sure, setting boundries is progress.

But you either stepped over it or maybe its not real clear.

Your boundry defines what YOU will do when their behaviour is not acceptable.

If your boundry was 'I won't do activities with you when you are high', then I'd say he tried to respect your boundry by doing things which didn't include you while he planned on being high.

If your boundry was 'I won't be around you when you are high', then it was time for you to do what you planned on doing to not be around him when he's high.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Linda may I ad this?

I was thinking back. You mentioned you felt numb sitting there. I remember taking my A's hand and holding it. Touching him, I of course still loved him. For me I let go of all of it. He never drank in front of me. He was an expert. I didn't care. That was his thing.

It was my choice to stay and love him and allow him the dignity to be himself whatever that was. So I hugged him, was quiet and enjoyed just sitting there. I could not change his using or not.

I could change the fact and realize that it was the disease I hated not him. My sweet, loving, goofball sometimes husband was very sick.

hey when he was too obnoxious I did not cook for him. I did not do anything for him, I just did what I did. I knew it was the disease coming out horribly strong. I called him Tom, that was his abusive fathers name.

My husband suffers from multiple personality disorder. it is very clear. very. So I knew the different alters, I was still me and responded carefully sometimes.

BUT I was happy to have some time with him as I knew it would not last. It didn't.

I should have got him out sooner, before I was damaged physically that one time.

But did not know it was coming,

I invite you to think of him the man you love, then think of the disease as a totally different entity. both in the same body. It's very hard to do this but you can.

Honestly you are doing great!!! It will get better as you work it! being powerless is totally letting go of that which we cannot control anyway!

I am powerless over a raging river, the weather, aging, etc. I am powerless over soy ice cream too.sigh butter crunch, BUT that is another story! haha

He is still a person with a heart. I learned in time to be satisfied just how it was, No I no longer had a husband who liked to do much of anything, or talk much, or well sex went away.

I am sooooo glad you are here working your program!!!!! love,debilyn

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks. I guess numb was the wrong word. It was more a sort of... umm.. neutral feeling. not good not bad... just neutral. It is a strange feeling for me.. a person who always feels anxious about everything.

A few months ago I would have retreated into my bedroom and read a book and cried and grieved about my lost Saturday night with him, and slept fitfully for the afternoon and evening. I would not have eaten, I would have probably asked him not to do it, he would have done it anyway, I would feel how much he must not love me etc etc etc. I would have been an internal misery.

Saturday, instead, I did what I wanted to do regardless. I got onto the board to give myself a bit of a 'strenghtening' I posted and I felt ok.. neutral... I did some housecleaning that I was going to do, I put on the telly and then I hung some photos on the wall of his achievements in his sporting career. I put on a DVD of ACDC, very loud and bopped along and had a day as if I was home on my own.

My boundary is that he not smoke when we are spending time together. So he picked an activity that he ensured he would not be spending time with me. A number of months ago, I would have pushed thepoint that I could help with that job and I want to be wiht him etc... all in the guise that he may not smoke... as you all know, it never worked. This Saturday I said, well, I will see you in a few hours when it is wearing off. I didn't take him that drink of water to see how stoned he was, I didn't ask how much he smoked, I didn't check up on how much he used afterward. All the things I would have done previously.

Saturday night he was still under the influence slightly and I did not engage the same was as I would have if he were straight. We watched a movie and went to sleep. Sunday was a normal day. Previously Sunday would have been me not talking to him, and being sulky and still crying.

so... compared to June and early July.... I have progressed if this is what progression is all about.

Its a long road isn't it.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

We are works in progress and never finished not really, we are meant to grow emotionally and this is a good thing. Keep up the good work. :)

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It does sound like progress from where you started Linda. His smoking was consuming almost all of your mental energy. You are still allowing it to dominate your thinking a lot, but it has not been very long that you are working on this. The only other thing I might suggest is developing your own interests and hobbies. He clearly has one hobby he's not giving up for you. I know you are a spiritual person...perhaps a some sort of meditation group or something...(if not alanon meetings). I guess what I am saying is that it would help if you got busy so that you have lots of options for things you can do that make you happy when he's doing "his thing." What do you think?

Mark

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Pinkchip

I agree it does still take up alot of my thoughts.... it doesn't take up as much of my emotions I guess.

It has only been the last couple of weeks I have been able to think of something for me. I am thinking of Tai Chi, I have contacted a spiritual friend who is away but will be backnext week, I have so much study to catch up on for my post bachelor degree it isn't funny. I have so many little things around the hosue I want to attend to like putting up the photos etc.

I find I am organising my weekends and seeing where he can fit in lately. That gives him an 'out' also to join me or not without feeling guilty.

I am so lucky that I am no longer in domestic violence or anything horrible like that. I am lucky that I have the freedoms that I can now give myself to pick a hobby.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.