The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Each year our family hosts a large Halloween party for our kids and their friends. It's a big production with games, food and a hayride. Our kids love it. Families ask to come back each year (I just had a friend tell me her kids were already asking about the party). It's a lot of work but a lot of fun.
Our daughter has been sewing costumes for all of us, including a special one for AH so he can still wear it and drive the tractor for the hayride. AH had even been working on the costumes with her.
Last night, as we got ready for dinner, I said casually to my AH, "I'm working on the Halloween invitations. Just wanted to double check that everything is on as usual."
With our daughter standing next to him, AH says, "We'll have to talk about it later." [Not the answer I expected--normally, AH is enthusiastic about the party and ready to do whatever it takes to make it happen.]
My head must have spun around on my neck as I said as calmly as possible, "I've had people ask about the party already and I wanted to get invitations out so people can save the date." [I had planned to invite a few new people this year.]
AH replies in his alcoholic sneer, "Well, I don't know if I'll be here. I'll have to check the calendar."
By this point, steam is spewing out of my ears. The party is the same time every year: Halloween night. Our kids and their friends look forward to this event. I was working hard to maintain my exterior calm as I said, "What is your back up plan then, if you can't be here? Because, I need to know something so the kids know what to expect."
AH replies angrily, "Fine, go ahead and plan whatever YOU want."
And our daughter standing there, looking absolutely crushed, says, "Dad, you have to be here."
Anger is an emotion. I get to be angry. And I was furious last night, furious that my AH would say something like he did to exert his false sense of control over our family.
As I felt the anger, then let it go, more rational thoughts came into my head. The way I began to look at it was: if my AH were dead, how would I handle the party?
The party will go on as planned, regardless of AH's choices. I will have a back up plan in place for someone other than AH to get the tractor ready and to drive it. I know people who will gladly help. Rather than pout and stew, I will take action and live the life I signed up for and that life includes a traditional and completely awesome Halloween party for my kids and their friends.
-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Sunday 2nd of October 2011 09:40:46 AM
What a great time!! Enjoy your party and way to work your program!!!
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
The show must go on! I love your plan. You are helping to make a lot of people happy. Scrooges don't have the power to decide whether holiday fun happens or not!
You did not engage with the disease and were truly detached
You felt your feelings (anger) and you did not react to the emotion.
Instead you remained calm and a small voice within suggested a different way to accomplish the party and hay ride." Being able to conceive of a Plan B " and Plan C are true gifts of this program .
CONGRATULATIONS!! I love your post--and there is a reading in one of the books that this reminds me of. The moral of the story is that every time the A does something to cause a crisis, do everything you would have done otherwise. It is the best thing for YOU and your kids. Way to go.
