The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I would like to hear how you have dealt with your finances and being married to an A?
For example, how do you make sure the bills get paid so you don't have them disconnected? Or what about, have you ever been evicted d/t not being able to pay the rent b/c of their reckless spending on his addiction? Did you have to go to a shelter?
How do you maintain your household despite all the money being drank?
Or has your AS had a problem before with spending, realized it, and been able to budget better what they spend on the addiciton?
I'm terrible at finances and adding my AH to the mix just makes it a toxic situation. Through alanon I'm getting better I still have a long ways to go.
What I've started doing and I'm in a position to do this not everyone is, my AH is dry no program, however to the best of my knowledge he's not drinking either. Literally the things that are his like any DUI stuff, things we can't pay because of the DUI stuff he is responsible for making sure they are handled in some way. He either has to go and talk to someone and make arrangements OR he has to pay the physical bill (as in write out the check, I no longer deal with the landlord or DUI stuff he's even had to call the kids school at this point). That is on him and very honestly he hates it. He has to look at what he did and every week he is reminded that the DUI is costing us.
What I have heard for the first 11 months of the DUI was it didn't cost us anything. He had it in his mind that the lawyer his dad paid for everything would go away. Of course his dad didn't want to be paid back .. lovely, which really gave credence to his statement. This has been the pattern for 2 other DUI's (before we met) as well. So no his drinking behavior really has never financially cost him.
When I get another job I want to go and get my own bank account and pay all of the bills out of that one account. I will ask for a set amount from him and then whatever he does with the rest of his money if he doesn't have any it won't be my issue. I don't want to control all of the money, and I shouldn't. I do believe that when someone starts seeing consequences for their actions the light bulb comes on and says hmm .. this really isn't working for me and at that point change will happen. PLUS it takes me out of the drivers seat of constantly being blamed.
I know I've said this earlier everyone's situation is different and that is why it's important to know what will and won't work for you. Some families don't have the same situation my family has. The longer I am in the program the more I am able to step back and say hmm .. I really don't have to drive my AH to and from work he CAN get a ride. Well I'm doing the same with money, I really don't have to carry this load alone. Bills are going to get paid one way or another, they may be late however I can only do what I can do.
Hugs I am sure there will be some great responses!! Such a good topic!! P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My sponsor told me it was o.k. to start setting a little money aside as it was in my best interest. When you live with active alcoholism you never know if you need money for a hotel room or that spare set of keys for the car.
Today I have my finances and property completely separated from my spouse. I have found it necessary after we were married that I needed a little shelter from his civil/criminal actions.
I absolutely love my husband, but I do not like the effects of the disease. Financially it is a thunderstorm that can turn ones life upside down.
I agree that you can only do so much and that you need to have some emergency $$ set aside. I have been the only breadwinner for the majority of the years that we've been married so I've set up all the bills that I could on bill pay through my checking account and put a reminder in my phone or email for the other bills. I've already told him that the only thing I will pay for him is his cigerattees. And those will be the cheap ones too! I don't depend on him to use any of my cards or even buy grocerey's while he committeed to being an active alcoholic. But I increase the trust I have in him (just as I do with the children) as he committs himself to living a life free of alcohol and adiction and to being truthworthy. I make sure that we conserve electricity, food, don't eat out (w/ my AH), all because I have to pay it alone. And if this gets too expensive I will move us out of here to someplace cheaper. My boundaries include not having to pay for his partying. We're not celebrating anything here at home...
My AH and I just started a financial agreement the last month because I just couldn't handle it anymore. He lost his license a few years ago and needs to pay up fines to get it back so I drive him everywhere. Many, many times now I have said I will cover all the costs so he can save his money up to pay the fines back. Never works. He gets money and goes on a binge and empties his account. So now he figures if he pays what we agreed to, the rest of his money is none of my business and he still spends it faster than he makes it and actually has the nerve to tell me I spend my money foolishly. I only spend my money on bills, car, kids, and food. He on the other hand has nothing to show for his. When I asked him to go back to rehab the other day his reply was I can't because I have too many jobs on the go right now. I said "what good is working if your only working to pay for your next high?" I owned my home before we got together so at least I don't have to worry about being the one to have to leave.
Nobody gives you brownie points for being the conservative one - my pay paid the living expenses/bills, his unemployment bought his gas, cell phone, motorcycle payment, fun times with buddies and beer. But - it was my fault in a big way because I LET it be that way.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
