The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi there. I'm a very grateful member of Al-anon. The A in my life is my partner, she's been drinking for years but admitted to me (total suprise to me) that she is an A. Her mother was an A too. Recently she has been drinking (in "secret" in the bedroom) after work. She drinks every day (vodka), she is a "high-functioning" A, working full-time, only drinks during the "witching hours" as she calls them around 6-8pm ...
I know I shouldn't have alcohol in the house with an A partner. It's difficult I know and I think I've starting using alcohol a bit as a crutch too.
Things are stressful but are getting better, a lot of external stresses in our life have been reduced/eliminated.
I've started getting back into fitness again, returning to jiu-jitsu after a 4 year break. Feels really good, a mental de-cluttering and losing some weight too ;
I've just started a PhD and that will be fantastic, really enjoying it and it will be a good opportunity to up-skill and do a side-ways move careerwise with better opportunities for money and promotion.
We have a 4 year old daughter who's just started school and really enjoying it.
Financially things will be getting better as we are no longer paying £800 a month nursery fees, I have taken voluntary redundancy and will be receiving £12.5k in a few weeks, my PhD is fully-funded and I receive a tax-free stipend.
... yesterday my partner was obviously under the influence. I was just getting the dinner ready and relaxing. Daughter had been dropped off after seeing the grandparents for an couple of hours, she was put to bed (I was practising my steps, keeping my boundaries about not interacting with the A, not rising to anything, just keeping calm).
My partner went downstairs, opened one of my cans of beer and sat there wathcing the TV (I'm not sure she will even be able to remember this). I was gobsmacked. I didn't say anything or go and take the beer off her (as I would have done a year ago). I just practised my serenity and mentally did my steps 1 + 2. It was difficult.
I don't know, I just feel distanced and disappointed by the whole thing. Feel a bit depressed to be honest. She's acting like nothing happened (prob can't remember it), but that's why it is so hard and hurting being in al-anon - we can see and remember every single thing that happens.
The slips catch us off guard and it's hard to remember that just because they stop drinking they are still addicts. It's almost like this hallucination that ok they stopped they are never going to drink again. Or another one I have heard well, they went to rehab the addiction is all over.
Everything you are expressing is totally normal for someone who is watching someone they love hurt themselves. The difference I see between my AH and myself is he has self medicated in the past where I have been completely sober dealing with unreasonable situations. I sure wasn't emotionally sober however I was physically sober. I often thought how nice it would be to be in la la land and not have to deal with whatever was coming down the pipe.
Congrats on all of the positive things that are happening in your life. It's obvious you are working your program, and all we can do is the best we can do.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I am so sorry for the pain that this disease is bringing to your home. It certainly sounds as if your program is paying off in managing your life and your educational opportunities.
Using your program tools was inspirational. I know that practicing alanon enabled me to have a successful life, filled with peace, courage and long term happiness. Staying in the day, feeling the feelings are hard at times but remember, each day is a new beginning and letting go of the pain of yesterday, a true gift of this program.
I heard a great gratitude list in your share. Continue to remind yourself of your assets and positive situations and refuse to dwell on the happenings of the A.
You are so right when you say: "we can see and remember every single thing that happens." For some reason, that really struck me!
My other thought, when you say you are so disappointed (after she drank your beer), Are you disappointed in yourself b/c you had beer in the house and felt like you contributed to her?
I bought a nice "thank you" card for my old workplace - I finished there 2 weeks ago and didn't want to leave it any longer to send it. I'd left it out lying around last night.
After clearing up today, catching up with all the washing up ... I found the thank you card, ripped up and lying on the floor.
Puzzled I asked my parter if she had done it, she said no, so I went and asked our 4 year old. She genuinely looked bewildered at the card and that she hadn't done it (I can tell when she's lying and we've recently been coaching her about that it's good to tell the truth and that we won't be angry with her no matter what, just that it's important she is honest and tells the truth)... so I believe her.
I just mentioned to my partner that daughter said she didn't do it and left it that. I returned to the washing up but mentally I was practising my steps, step 2 mostly. And concentrating on "mindfullness" which has really helped me recently with a bought of depression, it was used in my counselling sessions. Really good.
I just looked out the window, watched the spider on the window stashing away a newly caught fly (!), looked at the cloud formations, listened to daughter playing with next door's daughter on our trampoline in the back garden, listened to the radio.
There was an unspoken tension in me, think the partner could detect it - she's gone out to the shops, I asked to her to pick up a replacement thank you card. Didn't bring it up as an issue, she has to deal with her own recovery and I'm not going to get caught into that cycle of blaming, that cycle of madness, as that only pushes the merry-go-round of denial around again.
You are so right when you say: "we can see and remember every single thing that happens." For some reason, that really struck me!
My other thought, when you say you are so disappointed (after she drank your beer), Are you disappointed in yourself b/c you had beer in the house and felt like you contributed to her?
A bit of both really. That she went from drinking in secret to drinking openly. But I'm not helping by having drink in the house. I just feel torn you know?
I think when it comes to alcoholism it doesn't matter whose beer it was. If it was the Pope's beer she would have drank it. Bottom line, if it's in her reach it'll be gone.
My A was a functioning alcoholic also. No DUI's, jail time, never missed work etc. However, as the yrs went by his A'ism led him to drinking in his car at 10:00 a.m. in his workplace parking lot. Then he went in and did his job. He got to a point that he had to have alcohol to fend off detox symptoms. It's a downward spiral as time goes on. The alcohol increases and health declines.
I got to a point where nothing really shocked or surprised me (although it certainly distressed me). To make a long story short, he is sober 7 yrs now. Before he made that decision he had gone to the hospital, ended up in to renal failure, his organs were shutting down. Up until that time kept a executive position in the company. It's amazing to me that he pulled it off, until he couldn't.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
