Grieving the losses of 10 years .. - Al-Anon Family Group

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Grieving the losses of 10 years ..

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

also sharing because we have visitation tomorrow .. i have noone to fill in for me .. we haven't spoken really in near a month .. i'm even grieving the loss of his harrassing phonecalls he used to make to get me to talk to him, etc.. or see what i was up to .. shheeshz .. and the fact he's not worried about my feelings anymore .. he's worried about someone else's now .. but yet .. the harrassing phonecalls feel the way it felt when my sisters would chase after me every time i was upset when we did get together for family gatherings, when i was little .. etc.. and the someone new ?? with spiritual insight i'm even able to see a piece of the insecurity is the remembered feelings of jealousy when my sister's would buddy up and leave me out .. the fact he's with a new girl .. i'm feeling left out ?? ugh .. there are of course the other natural comparison insecurities .. you know such as .. is she funner ? is she prettier ? better body ?? just keepin it real .. which lead me to know it's time to read on self pity and victim .. but it is what it is .. the ugly affects of my own isms .. etc..

anyway .. thanks for letting me share .. i love my alanon fellowship wherever i find it .. thank God we each have had the opportunity to find such a rare treasure of a program such as this one .. although i don't know any of you .. i already love you for just being here ..

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs MeTwo,

I watched someone I care for deeply go through what you are sharing about, something that came up in conversation recently was what we really miss is the idea of what could have been and that rejection (which I can relate to, the codependency issue) is all about that little girl crying out for attention and what's wrong with me that I'm so unlovable. He could be so in his disease and still it comes back to that little girl wanting to know why won't someone love me. How am I so defective that someone who has this huge issue would still reject me? I would never minimize someone else's pain for a dead dream because it's excruciating to be in that kind of turmoil. My ESH is that it will get better, it gets better when you can see it really isn't you it's him. It's his issue and those issues just don't go away. Even if he gets sober, it won't be the new person in his life it will be because his pain finally outweighed his payoff. Either way his issue so not about you. This new person in his life is going to get exactly what he left off with you, oh sure the beginning will be fun because the "new" part of things will make everything else seem so rosy. The reality is he's still in his disease and while he is still being active it's so not going to be any better.

The best thing you can do for you is to continue to focus on yourself, you are gaining life long tools for life. I have seen this person I love dearly come soooo far and become this amazing person. It really works, everyone's path is soooo different and how recovery and healing comes to them. You are very much worth it, and you have to find your own self worth and self love without it coming from someone else's validation. Yes, there is so much light at the end of the tunnel just keep the focus where it needs to be and that's ok you!!

Sending support and love,
P :)

hawaiilover · Senior Member

Grief is really warranted under your circumstances. Losing a relationship whether is bad, good, or otherwise hurts very much. It takes time to overcome grief of any type. And, it is okay to feel the emotions and talk about it. You are entitled to that. Please, keep sharing at face to face meetings as well. Write about it. Talk about to your sponsor. Just get it all out of your system. One day at a time, you will begin to heal the emotional and psychological wounds. You have great support here. Be super kind and gentle with yourself. The love you need right now can be acquired from this forum, self, and the Higher Power. This too shall pass.

Sending you hugs.

Hawaii

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

thanks .. i started out to leave a big message on here expressing my undying love, etc.. feelings on his leaving etc.. and then suddenly the focus came back on me .. I am really grieving this man leaving But .. I am grieving my fairytale prince charming .. in his case (harming) ride away into the sunset without me .. (wonder if fairytales were ever read to him when he was little .. he's supposed to take the princess with him.) half smiles .. in his case i think he got the version wrong .. the princess seems to be his mom in this one ..

the reason i write the mom comment is because he did tell me he feels so guilty for some of his past choices that he will do just about anything for her approval .. well i heard it eventually as to relieve (his) guilt which really isn't about her at all .. must be hard to live with himself though and who am i to judge .. still i'm angry .. his mother has some mean, dominating, interferring, overbearing, controlling, meddling, compulsive behaviors she will never come to see nor own ..

Anyway .. I just want the family so much . the relationship, the man the family trips, gatherings, togetherness, and I want it to be Him in that roll .. knowing i have a husband at home who loves me and waits for me when i come home .. someone to have sleeping next to me at night .. etc.. it would Never ever have been peaceful though without his making the necessary choices to work on him ..

still i just absolutely can't believe it .. any of it .. and even still i know higher power can open doors in me and has the only solutions i can find, through others in fellowship, etc .. but again dang .. it cuts deep .. not to mention i felt so much safer with him here at night .. it was security .. i'm hurting for all the dependencies and things he did for me .. the basement, the extra security, the muscles, etc.. knowing i had someone to come pick me up if i had problems, etc.. someone to help with out daughter .. the help with the car .. god it will really hurt to see him with someone new ..

he's also smoking an herb at the moment .. spice .. wondering how any of you would handle visitation - losing my font .. sometimes moody irritable, etc.. am i enabling by letting his visit her while i know he's still using this ?

-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Sunday 2nd of October 2011 04:06:48 AM

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

MeTwo,

Often I check my motives when I have feelings about the kids. Safety is one thing, however it can swing into control. It would be soooo easy to lash out if I was angry over my AH moving on with someone else especially if my feelings were raw. I don't know what spice is outside of the cigs that smell like cloves? I really don't know what they do.

YES, on the mom comment at least with my AH he still looks for approval from me and for things just like I do and did that he can't give me. Plus it's so easy for him to stick me in the Mom box and say "you are JUST like my mother!" Yes again on everything you listed on my perceptions of his mother.

Hugs and everything you have just stated about the hurting and your wants and dreams are totally normal, even in a dysfunctional situation it's normal to want what we think everyone else has or what we really wanted it to be. A common thread is to forget about how things really were, the reality of costs that relationship with this particular person what it really is. I'm sure not saying dwell on the bad times. I'm saying see the relationship as clearly with reality shade glasses on, not with the it would have been colored glasses on. I often wonder how much damage was done with shows like Leave it To Beaver, Father Knows Best, and so on because no one really had a family like that or does it's fantasy. Boy oh boy did it set those expectations of what families "should" be like awfully high!

Hugs again MeTwo you are really going to be ok, we are all here for you. It's going to take time and effort to move from one step to the next for a while. Remember this new person, she got the same guy that left you, addiction and all. So with that she's going to inherit everything .. all of it .. the whole enchilada. He's not going to be prince charming for her either, especially if he never does the work necessary on himself. Now that's sure not your issue that is totally on him.

Double hugs, P :)

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I truly do have the expectations of father knows best .. i think my father did too .. he certainly lived with the father knows best attitude .. smiles .. yet i definitely have the high standards of perfection going on even though inside i know there's no such thing .. i just feel him leaving permanently and everything else with him .. my pain comes from not accepting but there are just so many things i miss crazy at the moment ... one day at a time .. thanks for being here .. (taking in the hugs and giving them too .. need them so much right now)

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there. I can really relate 1 week ago my exAH called to tell me about him and some girl he met at the bar. I was spiralling hard and fast, until I got to a meeting, talked to my sponsor and started reading my Al-anon books. I realized not only am I better without his verbal abuse, phone calls, etc, she can have him maybe he will leave me alone except to trade kids. I have envisioned myself in cavlar vest and bullet proof now from his words and looks. He got mad at me and tried to get me back by telling me some cruel things last week and I got into my program and working out and am better for it! I have hung up on him, told him his boundaries and refused to discuss anything but our kids. I am truly disgusted by him and his hurtful ways and will no longer waste my life obsessing about this man who is killing himself daily. I finally found the dettachment I have wanted to live and let live. It takes time I moved out a year ago the last time. The divorce was final in July. I am feeling good about myself and the program and exercise helps a lot. Keep up the good work and awareness!!!

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