those from both programs...? - Al-Anon Family Group

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

those from both programs...?

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I am not an alcoholic and not in AA, but it's helped me to realize that I also have an addiction -- an addiction to my alcoholic. I ask myself: what did I feel when people told me I should give him up? They argued that he was no good for me, that I had lost perspective, that I was unhappy, that I'd be better off without him. I thought I was fine, I was on top of things, and anyway it would get better, and anyway (privately I thought this, but I didn't say it to other people) I couldn't hack it without him, and I would hang on for dear life no matter what. And in the same breath that I thought I had to hang on or I'd die, I'd tell myself that I was totally on top of things anyway.

In my case, I didn't let go of clutching on with everything I had until things had gotten so very, very bad that I realized that life really had become unmanageable. Even so it took a number of tries for me to break up with him. I'd try it and go back on my decision, and things would get bad and I'd try it again, and then go back, and so on... Even now I get these flashes of feeling: "Maybe if I had just tried to make it work this way..." "Was it really that bad? I bet it wasn't really that bad." In truth it really was that bad and I tried to make it work a thousand ways. But that addiction is always ready to grab me back.

I wonder if some of your feelings about leaving your A might be similar? When I look at my addiction I think, "Well, anyone could get stuck in those thoughts." When I look at my A, I think, "How could he ever lose perspective like that?" But really I think it's different substances, same addiction.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I first went to Al-Anon because my alcoholic wife's then sponsor suggested it and then I went to AA because of the same reason. I hated both and didn't try to relate. I had several early meltdowns trying to sit in the rooms of AA without having a coronary or shooting myself and bleeding all over them. I wasn't ready for either. It was my HP who preped me and brought me back to Al-Anon and it was tough going because I didn't know anything and didn't know that I didn't know. At 5 years in Al-Anon I thought I'd get more answers in College so I went to college to find out about alcoholism and drug abuse and when I was done I was qualified to be a therapist in a recovery program in the City I lived in. I didn't go to college for that reason, I went to "find out about this thing alcoholism". I learned alot about where I came from; the disease of alcoholism and many technical things from the many areas it touches however becoming a therapist was a total HP thing and part of HP's will for me. As a therapist with 9 years being alcohol free I still didn't know I was alcoholic and had realized that the "green/yellow" colored skin I use to wear had gone away and then one afternoon I had an assessment of an alcoholic/addict who was destined for inpatient treatment just after we were done. When we were done I ushered him out the door to the waiting ambulance and then my HP asked me why he was qualified for inpatient treatment and not me. The question was too remarkable for me not to pull down a blank assessment sheet and not then do my own, very first assessment regarding my past drinking history. The assessment included 3 toxic shocks or "overdoses" and my behaviors in and around before and after drinking and when I was done I took the anonymous assessment to the adult section admitting nurse and asked for an evaluation...after 15 minutes she came out and said..."Whoever belongs to this assessment needs to be in inpatient care immediately or the next time they drink they die." She and I knew each other from Al-Anon and came into the program about the same time. When I told her the assessment was mine she confirmed that I knew what to do next and that Friday I was in my first AA meeting for real...not believing it and not wanting to identify as alcoholic. We all knew each other and when I hesitated to identify myself as alcoholic they stopped the meeting until I did. That is what unconditional love does and I'm grateful.

I didn't stop drinking for myself. I stopped because of my wife. Although I have had the compulsion to drink never leave I have not white knuckled it or played around with the people, places and things regarding drinking. My early Al-Anon sponsor told me I was to separate myself from all things alcohol and I guess I was ready to follow thru on others' guideance. My mind still plays "Lets remember what it was like for you and how you use to just handle the hell out of alcohol (I'm chemically tolerant and that is the reason my family use to think I could drink with impunity...it is also the reason why I end up overdosing and also the reason my skin color was a sickly yellowish/green color for years after I stopped drinking. Its the reason for a lot of things including my "not knowing and not knowing that I didn't know." My family drank period along with all of the other normal things we use to do and crazy things also.

I've never "gone back on with alcohol however I have gone back out without it; meaning I've dry drunked my share in the beginning tons of time." A well attended to program takes care of the dry drunk problems. Al-Anon taught me many many new and different ways of living and participating in life without acting out and reacting out and getting in trouble. Al-Anon hooked me up with my HP and I found that my HP appreciates that I attend to business in both programs. The twelve steps are the same as are the traditions and more. The AA fellowship supports me when the drinking thinking and old memories of what drinking used to be like in my life while Al-Anon takes care of pretty much everything else. I do not stay away from either program so I am pretty much always there listening, taking support and giving it away just as suggested.

There are other doubles here who will continue to fill you in. My primary support is Al-Anon many times I will give that away in an AA meeting without telling the fellowship where I got it.

((((hugs)))) smile

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

I know people who got sober without a program. They made other issues in their life the priority. They had some kind of a bottom. 3 people I know lost a significant other to an over dose. They got sober after that but they did not go to al anon.

AA has lots of stories for people who go back to drinking, relapse, flip flop feel they dont' qualify for years.

There are also people who get sober early and stay sober.

Every one is different. There is no magic potion. I know I looked for the magic potion of what it would be for someone to get sober. Some do, some don't. Some white knuckle it for the rest of their lives others find sobriety an enormous joy.

Some people never do a 4th step, others do multiple 4th steps.

If you go to an open AA meeting you'll hear a lot of versions of that. You can also listen to various speaker tapes on the internet which has a lot of people's stories on it. After all the standard speaker share is what it was like, what happened and what is it like now.

I've know the whole gamut of people who flip flopped for years, to those who got serious about recovery, to those who relapse all the time. I think what I got the most out of Getting them Sober (which also has the share of stories) is not to expect too much from an alcoholic in early recovery. Whatever way they go its tough.

Maresie.

Tracey C · Senior Member

Hi,

My experience has been in other areas. I've been in al-anon going on 2 yrs. Earlier this year I started with Overeaters Anonymous. I never realised I had a problem in this area as I've always been sporty, even an aerobics instructor. Now I'm older with children I've gone the other way. It was hard abstaining at first, I relapsed for 6 months. Then I was guided back again, a lot more humbler and ready to admit I was powerless over the effects of food.

I know my response isn't to do with alcohol, I guess I'm saying people have their little things they do whether it's alcohol, food, spending, that they don't realise they're battling it.

Regards,

Tracey

rrib · Senior Member

youfoundme wrote:
Can you tell me what it was like when you wanted to be sober but just couldn't get it

Addiction is a trick our brain plays on us - the lower part of the brain where everything is run on automatic. Our primitive brain 'learns' that taking a substance (or engaging in certain behaviours) is 'good' for us because what we do floods our brian with chemical signals like seretonin and adrenaline among others and/or blocks certain receptors. Once 'learned' our primitive brain never forgets.

So we keep doing things that on a conscience level we KNOW are bad for us. We keep using tobacco, alcohol, and drugs. We stay in abusive relationships. We keep enableing others.

Some of us get lucky and find a way to stop. When we do, we look back and say to ourselves 'Oh my God! Why did I keep doing that for so many years?'

-- Edited by rrib on Saturday 1st of October 2011 11:45:45 AM

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey YFM,

Thanks for starting this topic. I am enjoying the E,S,&H I am hearing.

xoxo,

T

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks all. I am taking this in and realizing more and more that yes, I have an addiction too. I can say though, that because of alanon, I am getting recovery. I am learning a lot about myself, and how good it feels to do things on my own. How good it feels to not be in chaos. My sponsor helps me get my head on straight. I go to meetings and I am working my first 3 steps. I know a lot more about myself in a year with alanon/acoa than I knew in 10 years of therapy. I am finding out who I am and gaining respect and love for myself. My qualifier is my fiance and he is trying. He hasn't gotten it yet, but I have hope that he will one day soon join me in recovery. I can say that the changes in me are sparking changes in him. As my life improves and becomes more positive, the people in my life have less of a "hold" on me and they become their own person rather than someone I glom onto. Each day is a new day and I choose each day to do this program just for today. Thank you all for your wonderful shares to me here. I am glad to hear from those from AA, because I feel like my disease is the same, that I have an addiction to people, and I use the chaos that person creates to get my adrenalin fix. I am working on re-wiring my brain. I do have to say that I am not thinking about leaving my qualifier. I have not worked all the steps yet and so I don't feel like I have the ability to make that kind of decision right now. Thank you all. Thanks Lois for starting Alanon....

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.