"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

rara avis · Senior Member

moving day today, so sad

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

Yep... and you have every right to feel whatever way you are feeling today......

I think.... the positive side..... is that you can also see the "glass is half full side" of this equation as well..... Guess what - today really IS the first day of the rest of your life!!

You are going to be okay...

Tom

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate, I had to leave my condo last year, after separating from the AH three years ago and not being able to continue living there because of the lost income. Im not a spring chicken either. I know relationships dont define us , but neither does other peoples lives, we cannot compare our life to what is happening to neighbors lives.

This year has been another transformation and getting use to living in a apartment and sometimes feeling
sad, its hard to put 26 years of marriage, even without the alcoholism, into perspective. I have to say though its gotten better and it will for you. Yes , my Alcoholic spouse's behavior went beyond the boundaries
of decency also and it could not continue.

Alanon has been my support system along with my HP. Although I have had major losses in my life, I also
have gained so much. Gratitude and appreciation will come and it will overwhelm your being.

The best has yet to come Rara, but it will arrive!

Hugs, Bettina

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Rara - I can so totally relate to your woes. We are about on the same track, mine still has to get his stuff, which I've packed and stored on my back porch.

When you are single and lonely, EVERYTHING seems to highlight being part of a couple - fairs, fun, special events, all more fun if you have someone to share it with and mom isn't right when she says, just go alone, or go with girlfriends.... It isn't the same, is it? I do enough alone - I want someone to laugh with, talk with, etc and so on. And - Christmas is coming, yeehaw eh? much more fun at peace though, compared to strife and tension.

Flip side is my friends perception of my life, how lucky I am to not have to answer to anyone, I am free to do what I want when I want and don't have to hassle with anyone. Yesterday it took me almost 45 minutes to walk down and get the flag at the post office and its only 4 blocks away - I stopped and chatted with enough people and it was fun and it felt good that I was free to do it.

Just remember to flush the pity pot after you are done with it, gets stinky otherwise! Cheers!

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Rara HUGS! I hope you find some meetings for you, so that you can heal and work on you :) Don't worry about the pity pot, we all need to be on it sometimes :) HUGS and more HUGS!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

The way I see it, there's a reason our lives feel so empty when we first split up from the A. Alcoholics demand a lot of energy from their nearest and dearest. We're bracing ourselves for what we'll find when we come home, we're carrying the load of adult responsibility for two, we're worrying about the relationship and how we can finally get what we need and what will happen when things get worse. In many cases we're keeping track of their drinking, trying to convince them to stop, arguing and reasoning, dealing with insurance companies after they crashed the car and dealing with late payments they forgot to make. The emotional drain is huge. Our lives become wrapped up in them. We get distracted from our own pain. That's part of "what's in it" for us. But also we get where we don't have time or energy to make better relationships. We don't have much available to put into friendships. We're hesitant to invite people over because we don't know what state our A is going to be in. We're exhausted from it all. And needless to say, with them there we can't be out meeting new people, feeling buoyant and confident enough to discard the difficult ones and move on to a new, healthy relationship. We've missed out on all that because we were spending all our time trying to rise above the alcoholism in our home.

After a while separated from the A, though, we recover our spirits and our energy. Then we can let in people who really do have something to give in return. That was my hope and that's been my experience.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs RA,

This is all going to take time. I'm so sorry you are going through all this. What Tom says sums it all up for me as well, "today is the first day of the rest of your life". Take some time for you, I encourage you to do a gratitude list. Whenever I am faced with something that my "committee" is powering down on me the fastest way to set my mind straight is to see what is good in my life. Your feelings are yours and they are not wrong. They are not facts.

Hugs P :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

it is horribly hard. I had to really work on me and find out what I wanted. Even though I am familiar with living alone, sometimes it bugs me.

I cried for a long time. I learned I missed my loved ones who passed so much,lonely for them. So now I realize I am not lonely.

It will take you time, but you will start to enjoy your new life and things will come to you you never thought of before. Who knows maybe you will meet someone else too. Either way it is usually a much healthier life.

But please come here and let us know however you are doing. it took me years to get here where I am now. I am so glad I left the five acres and have my own home, my own memories.

I did find I brought Eden with me. It was never the place, it was the feelings, the animals and respect of the creators earth that makes a place Eden. I call this home, Eden's River.

Maybe you can paint your home, change things to make it your own. I tell ya my animals make it so there is NEVER a dull moment!

I hope as the days go on you feel the freshness of a new home, a new period in your life.

Hugs,debilyn

rara avis · Senior Member

Reading these posts has been so uplifting.

Moving day was interesting. The RA showed up right in the midst of moving, which felt not unlike a Jerry Springer show. Of all the times to appear....actually it ended up being good timing because he wouldn't make a huge scene w/the big moving guys there. RA huffed and puffed and complained a) that he didn't have room for some things, I should keep x y and z, and also b) The couch was HIS, this and that was HIS, etc...I won't go into the details of that 'converstion', but basically I told him I was packing EVERYTHING that was his - he doesn't believe me, but honestly I want nothing that reminds me of him in the house. It is also not my responsibility to deal with his stuff!

He told me I didn't give him enough time, and this is where alanon really kicked in. I said, ' I left on the 9th! ' [ it was then the 30th ] then turned and walked away. His parting words were a slur on gay people, which I won't repeat here. He knew I had been visiting two very dear friends of mine who are gay, while he was supposedly moving.

The movers were AWESOME, and it also turned out that RA had done nothing. Nothing. I literally blitzed 1/2 of a household into storage starting last Tuesday, and locked in on Friday. My house is a mess, unorganized and empty. My RA did me a favor by saying something so hideous as his parting words - it made me glad to have him gone. The next step is a treat for me - I'm hiring the kind of people that my RA slandered to help clean the house. I want this place completely free of ugly vibes.

What's been really sad and telling is, my RA has had hardly any contact or help from friends or family. The aa friends who showed up to help him move were there because I sent them. He's ignored his people and that treatment is showing. Meanwhile I don't know what I'd do w/out leaning on my friends, I am truly blessed.

Sorry for the long post. It's been an epic week. The drama is winding down and good riddance I say. Going to a f2f tomorrow. Thank you everyone!

rara avis

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs RA,

I'm sooooo glad that things have come to a slow down point for you. It's going to feel so good to be in your own space without the drama. I know it's not easy, however it sounds like it was something for you that needed to happen.

Hugs P :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"