Living with a recovering alcoholic. - Al-Anon Family Group

Catbird · Newbie

Living with a recovering alcoholic.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Cat,

The only thing I can suggest is there is a difference between sobriety and emotional sobriety. Just because someone stops drinking doesn't mean the alcoholic behavior stops. My AH is what would be called still active even though he's not drinking (he's not drinking because he has no choice in the matter, not because of me. Legally he can't). He has no program. That's why for me alanon is so important it helps me deal with my own behavior in these situations. It puts the focus back on me and helps me come to my own decisions of what is ok and what is not.

I hope you will stick around the boards and get to know us. There is a wealth of knowledge, caring and acceptance.

Hugs P :)

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Cat,

I am so glad you are here. Welcome to MIP. There are quite a few folks on the board that are double winners of both programs, AA and Alanon. Perhaps you can stick around awhile because I think they can share some experience as to what it is like for an alcoholic new to sobriety without a spiritual program.

Being exposed to alcoholism there were quite a few things I needed to relearn as well. I am so glad you found the rooms of Alanon. For me I had no idea how far down the scale I had gone as a result of trying to cope with unacceptable behavior.

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself today. I am so glad you are here. Keep coming back.

Sincerely,

Tommye

rrib · Senior Member

Catbird wrote:
He is 30 days sober... He attends AA once a week but...
Is this part of the process of recovery?

So your moving out got him to go to, what?, 3 or maybe 4 A.A. meetings and he doesn't like it.

Hmmmm ... what counselors and other A.A. members usually tell newcomers who are serious about wanting recovery is to BEGIN by attended 90 meeting within the 1st 90 days.

You also wrote 'I thought that if he quit drinking, we could learn to live together in peace.'

Sure, there's always HOPE for a relationship.

If you begin a recovery program for yourself in Al-Anon, you stand a good chance of learning to be emotionally healthy. The theripist is a great idea btw.

IF he begins a recovery program and stays sober he will learn to be emotionally healthy. But he has not started. Four meetings is nothing.

Two healthy people can probably overcome any problems.

Whatever HE decides, you deserve to be healthy yourself. Glad you're here and hope you stick around.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Get the book Getting them Sober. I can't recommend any other source for getting to grips with expectations.

Maresie

Catbird · Newbie

Thank you for your support, and all the support of people who respond to my post. I appreciate your honesty and am open to frank and honest responses.

I would appreciate any and all insight into the process of alcohol recovery.

Keep it comin.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome here :) HUGS! Glad you found us and are going to alanon meetings. The best books I have read for me are One Day at a time in Alanon, Courage to Change and As We Understood... I also read the AA big book. That book really helped me so much. The other thing is to find yourself a sponsor. I hope you keep coming and glad you are here :) HUGS!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

This is called "stark raving sober." He is NOT in recovery. He is white knuckling and maybe is not drinking.

When a person is in recovery, they also work on their morals, how they treat others, etc. It fits to the person's needs.

Like if one went to OA one would stop over eating, look for triggers to why I over eat, how can I change my habits, how do I eat healthy and still feel satisfied. It's a life change so I would have to change lots of thins.

Same with an A. My AH woke up and went to talk to HP every morn.would say today I choose not to drink, They he would work on telling the truth, being on time, learning to be thoughtful, leaning to think of others, made sure he ate right, drove carefully etc.

He often would say, nope he just isn't drinking,not on program about someone we knew or something.

Yes i have heard they do get worse doing what your AH is doing, I am so sorry! Some will go for years and or to their death like this. It's how they choose to live. Yes a sponsor is so important, One could easily knock a stinking thinking A off their make believe pedistal. Help him face the truth. Maybe he does not want to, who knows. NO one can know how another thinks.

What we always say is work on you, go to your meetings, get a sponsor, come here, read literature.

I really am sad he is not ready or desiring to work on his disease. Just like if a person had any disease, if you ignore the symptoms and do nothing to get balanced you will be sick.

Hugs, very good share! Debilyn

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the issue about alcohol recovery is that it isn't about what they do. It is about what we do. We have to recover, irregardless of what they do.

Alcoholism is toxic to everyone around it.

I hope you will choose to give al anon a chance.

Maresie.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Catbird, welcome and I'm glad you found us. I hope you'll stick around -- there's lots of wisdom on these boards. Face-to-face meetings and working the steps with a sponsor are also invaluable. Living with an alcoholic sucks us into the insanity too, and we need our own program of recovery.

Generally the first year(s) of sobriety are a roller-coaster ride for the alcoholic and those around them. The alcoholic has had little chance to learn how to negotiate life without the crutch of alcohol. They say that their social/emotional development stops when they first started drinking. So if your A (alcoholic) started drinking when he was 15, his emotional growth stopped at age 15. You undoubtedly know what it's like to have a 15-year-old in the house. And this is not just any 15-year-old but a cranky, unsure, angry 15-year-old.

On top of that is the fact that he probably didn't have much of a helpful upbringing -- many folks get into alcoholism because their own upbringing was dysfunctional, painful, etc. So he undoubtedly has to negotiate all these feelings that come surging up when the alcohol is no longer numbing him out. Plus neither his family nor the alcohol gave him any guidance in how to handle strong and painful feelings. He has an awful lot of practice in reacting with anger, abuse, control, and what have you. In many instances he may literally not know there is any other way.

Those will be things a sober person has to learn as he goes. AA offers help with all of those things. So he has the tools available if he chooses to use them. Whether he chooses is something only he can decide.

I know your question is probably, "Will it get better?" I think the answer is probably this: Every alcoholic has a rough time in the beginning. Whether he'll come out of that rough time is unknowable. Many alcoholics start leery of AA, and that doesn't necessarily mean he'll relapse. Being conflicted about recovery is par for the course, at least for a while. But the statistics do say that 70%-90% of those who start recovery never achieve longterm sobriety. The incredible power of alcoholism scrambles the mind and makes it very hard to get away. So it's good to be open to the positive but also realistic. I made the mistake of believing what my alcoholic said, when I should have been watching what he did. If he stays in recovery and works his program, it will be obvious. He won't have to tell you. You'll see it.

The other thing I would add is that however rough it is for someone in beginning recovery, that doesn't mean that anyone else is obligated to put up with abuse. Protecting yourself is absolutely crucial. If he can step up to the plate and deal with you and his family more gently and maturely, that's one thing. The ball is in his court for that. (To mix a metaphor.)

I hope you'll keep taking good care of yourself and keep coming back.

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Catbird,

Welcome to Miracles In Progress I'm glad you found us.

It sound like your husband only attends AA, but is not working the AA program. The good thing about him attending AA meetings is he might just hear what he needs to hear at his next meeting. We can only hope so.

I'm happy you are attending face to face meetings seeking recovery from the effects the disease has had on you, while keeping the focus on you. Listen to others experience, strength, and hope in your meeting and apply it to your life. Find a sponsor and keep coming back to MIP. Your on the right track.

HUGS,
RLC

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Catbird,

Welcome!

I'm living with a recovery alcoholic (my ex-husband). He is doing very well with his recovery program. He has been sober for 4 months - not a long time - but.... it's the longest length of time for him.

3 months ago he came back home after participating in a 28-day rehab treament. This was his 3rd rehab in 3 years. I was able to visit him while he was in there on Family Nights and attended some informative sessions with the counselors and other clients and their families. I saw a significant change in his attitude after about 2 weeks into the program. I could not believe the change - I never would have dreamed that he would change.

Before this 3rd rehab, he tried two other times; each time he was back out drinking in no time. He didn't go into rehab for the right reasons (for him). He admits this. However, this 3rd time, death was knocking at his door and he could sense it. He went to rehab for him and not to get me back or anything else back that he though he had lost for good.

I had gone to therapy for years, in part, due to the impact alcoholism had on me. There were other issues too. Therapy helped a lot. However, what really changed me was Al-Anon meetings. I have been attending meetings for 7 months.

I have changed significantly and I think he helps him. But I didn't do it for him, nor does he go to AA for me.

We just had a talk the other day about how we both feel better about ourselves and that helps our relationship. I didn't even realize how in the past I depended on him for my happiness. That isn't the case now.

I hope this makes some sense. I'm writing this rather quickly 'cuz I've got to get off this compuer! I just wanted to share with you my experinece.

Welcome again! Keep coming back! smile

rrib · Senior Member

maresie wrote:
I think the issue about alcohol recovery is that it isn't about what they do. It is about what we do. We have to recover, irregardless of what they do.

Thanks Maresie. You said it very well.

Alcoholism effects everybody in the family. We all become sick.

Al-Anon is a 12 step program. It's focus is on your own recovery Catbird. It's a spiritual program. If you work it, you will also obtain a very good understanding of the A.A. program. Although the focus is different, it is the same 12 steps.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I may have time to respond to this in more detail later.... In short, yes...he does need to relearn social skills and how to fit in without alcohol. Yes...he will feel out of sorts and like he doesn't belong in any group. His starting to fit in will depend on how hard he works the program and 1 x a week is totally insufficient in my opinion. Also...30 days is a great accomplishment but it's a very short time to produce any real changes. At my 30 day sober mark I think I was just starting to realize how screwed up I was and how much I had to really work on....It was not a pleasant time. If I was not going to 7 meetings a week at that time, I would have gone crazy.

As far as you.....Alanon has all the answers like others have stated.

Mark

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

Forgot to mention that my ex went to at least 2 meetings every day for the first 2 months. Now he goes almost once a day, sometimes two. He has met some men that he is very comfortable with. He actually loves his meetings and says he enjoys them very much. The first 2 attempts at rehab and then AA meetings, he said he couldn't relate to any of the members and felt out of place. Partly I think it was due to the fact that he hadn't admitted that he was an alcoholic.

So it took the ex several attempts before he began to come out of denial. He has a long way to go, I'm not kidding myself. So do I.

Catbird · Newbie

I appreciate your hearfelt and well thought out replies. Thank you all so very much. I have a lot to think about. I am glad my son and I moved out...I feel like I am in a better place emotionally. I plan to continue with Al Anon. I go every week, as well as my individual counseling -- I attend that weekly, too. I don't think that my husband has truly accepted that he has issues above and beyond his alcoholism and I am not at all convinced that he is not going just to "get me back". He is in denial that I will stay away.

I worry that he will not continue AA. I worry that he will become more and more angry. I worry and am saddened that he may end up a lonely old angry man. I am here for him, to support him however I can, but I refuse to be his scapegoat any longer. As time goes on, and he continues his verbal abuse...I find it difficult to remember why I loved him.

This, for me, is a pattern I want to not repeat. I want to not be in a relationship with an active alcoholic. If he accepts his need for recovery and admits, truthfully, that he is powerless to control this disease...maybe we can learn to start all over. It's not looking too hopeful now. He comes over to my apartment and baits me into fights. When he is not here, there is peace and laughter in my home. When he comes over, my son stays away from him, my friends won't come over, there is tension and an overwhelming stress in the home. He blames the people around for the problems he encounters. He says that his kids are moody, my daughters are brats, my son is spoiled, my girlfriends are man-haters, our neighbors are arrogant, etc. The constant pessimism is overwhelming.

-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 29th of September 2011 10:11:53 PM

rosielee · Senior Member

my mum has been sober 20 years but the verbal abuse- centre of attention- tantrums and rages still carried on but in sober form. so i really wouldnt rush in thinking its all going to rosey now....this was the biggest of shocks for me- i thought the alcohol caused this bahviour- but since discovered it was a personality disorder.
he probably doesnt like AA because they wont take his bullshit there...I can tell you right now its a professional organisation and they know how to deal with these people - he wont be able to run the show- he wont be able to be self absorbed- he has to learn a bit of humility. sounds like he knows this and is going with the program- even though he hates it- because deep down he knows he needs it.

i think sponsors are a good thing...but if he manages without one....but i cant see how anyone can effectively go through the program without one. if he could trust his own judgement he wouldnt be there in the first place....maybe in time he will accept one.

I really would rush back into living with him- if i were to be perfectly honest....you could regret it and your son needs stabiltity right now above all else.

rosielee · Senior Member

Cathy- worry about yourself and your son for a change- you are worthy of the worry and time and effort spent on yourself. your ubby has AA and his own stuff to deal with right now- this is his look out- not yours. you can still support and help by being on the other end of the phone when he needs it- stuff like that- but the main full on responsibility shouldnt be on your shoudlers. its not fair on you and no one should have to carry it- its too much. start thinking about you now. besides the stronger you bcome the more you will be able to help him with your level head and calm and kind manner. xxxxxxx but really.....give yourself a break right now...its way, way ovrdue!! xxxx

nyc018 · Senior Member

I've read many times that some people say the active alcoholic was easier to live with than the "dry" one. The dry drunk has only espoused physical sobriety but not emotional and spiritual. They are angry and resentful and there is an underlying bitterness. My A was basically like this the whole time during his periods of physical sobriety. Yes it could also be a personality issue - some people just are not nice, and will never be easy to live with, no matter what. And some finally do "get" it once they really surrender and give up the alchohol in body, mind, and spirit. But since that is out of your control, the best thing you can do is be good to yourself and your son. If your husband decides to recover, all the better. As hard as it is it does feel better to let go of your expectations of him. That doesn't mean you don't hope he'll continue recovering, just that you're not pinning your existence on it and know that you will be ok, regardless. Hugs and best of luck.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

All of that pointing the finger that your AH does at you, your kids, you friends....That is so he doesn't have to look at why he is so broke down that he has to drink to oblivion just to feel okay with himself. It's going to take quite a long time for him to work through those issues, the denial, self-destructive tendencies....etc. Most people bail and start drinking again cuz they can't handle the stress of such radical changes. For now, focus on setting him free to have his recovery. This doesn't necessarily mean divorce...but it does mean detach and let him work his program.

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