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my mum has been on the phone all night and i cant pick up- we havent been speaking since i forogt her birthday.and i did the opposite of what i usually do- i just didnt care about and then gush all over the place to try and make it up to her- as if her emotions and feelings were paramount before all else.
so since then- shes taken the hint. shes sent my son a nice letter- thats a good start and she has sent me £20 towards my car MOT
its an extremely nice gesture....but its her way of getting round her mental condition- fix things with money. its also a nice make up gesture
so heres the deal- shes been phoning all night....and ive been tearing to bits with guilt for not picking up
i havent been picking up because i am still fed up with the 40 year cycle of hot and cold and not knowing what shes going to say
during these last four months alone...shes phoned me up and said "you little 'xxxx'" and put the phone down on me...which apart from sunding like some awful looney psycho- it also took away the opportunity to talk through things (shes been stone cold sober cnstant these last 20 years- never fallen off the wagon - it would kill her and kill us all if she did)
so that upset...sent me in a massive depression and crying for two days. the next timee- she walked up to the house and threw a bag of gifts and stropped off.... and my son was like...what? whats upset granny? and i said....dont go after her...im not responding to tantrums......I mean- shes 67 years old and should act like an adult...all she could see was her hurt and her rejection (as i avoided the phone and dint agree to meet up) but this is an impulse and talking things out is the ONLY way forward...how wuld she feel if i did things lik that- walked up to her house- chucked her a bag of shop food and then stropped off...so she can feel the guilt and then sit there and wonder "oh no what have i done wrong?"
then the next time- i forgot her birthday and she phoned up and said "IM livid!!!" which gave me no room to move forward
and now things arent going to plan- because shes calmed down and wants to get the relationship back n track.....but im not budging...because this no talking....ignoring things that send me in turmoil for days...is not goo.
if i phoned her up and said a vile thing and said "YOU LITTLE 'xxxx'" as if i were a monstr psycho, i would expect my mum to be in turmoil after that
because taking this from a stranger is something but from your own parent- the one who is meant to look out for your welfare...not wreck ik.
im happy to forgive it all- shes sick---blah, im happy to let her be as barmy as sh likes, but i dont want to be treated like some disposable punch bag...and to have my rights over ridden.
she is worse to her husband....if you or I coould see it we would be horrified...but it goes on in quiet...luckily they are divorced but they still depend on each other for cash and company (she wants his cach- he wants the company) and because he is behind and slow he takes it all without realising it just makes her worse. if she feels like being foul she will be
this is what sick people are like...they feel justified...they think we should forgive it bcause its "the sickness"
and i can forgive it- what i cant do is go through the same cycles. she is phoning me uploads tonight...of course she is,,,,she isnt fearful or apprehensive- why would she be? its only talking t her daughter....but for me...i have this approval thing thats hotwired...dont displease the mum......(God I sound psycho....LOL) (ill be scratching holes in walls soon) and i have the thing...im the daughter, i cant change that dynamic....the only thing i can do- is to be more assertive and to be stronger
but i just want to be ME, i dont want to be this strong assertive person...not against my own mum whom by rights i should want to speak to
plus it shouldnt be on my shulders to set her straight. the whole thing is so messed up- i wish i could help- i wish i could have a mediator so i dont have to say things...its ok saying it in defense or anger...but not to someone who is in their sweet mode- giving gifts- asking to see me, until the nxt time.
i would love her t change- but shes been like it for so long she isnt going to change so i have to find a way through- and somehow get this phone things sorted and just fulfil my duties to her so she doesnt feel neglected but whilst i can see to my own life.
sorry ive rambled on way too much...basically its so wrong....i cant fix it....so the oonly thing i can do is let a broken thing carry on....like a limping car- if yu can imagine it- a car with its tyres all down to the steel rims (LOL....oh picture the pathetic site!!!! if you didnt laugh....) acrid black smok puffing out of the exhaust....and it fits and starts...its puffs start and then it limps to the side f the road- and we never fix it but jjust put more battery power into it
what am i talking about? isnt this marriage and relationships in general? or is mine extra dysfunctional/
-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 29th of September 2011 04:25:39 PM
maybe this is just a bill- like a difficult bill and it has to be paid. and once i start to pay it ill feel better. but what i dont want to do is start to feel better and then get one of her strops and tantrums again and it derailing me....and for somereason, this lack of empathy....me and my sister cant get it from her.she refuses it....even when my sister refuses to see her ever again....still my mum can not find the empathy- the reasoning not to put people through the rigger. she thinks we are young- we are not sick like her- so we should be able to take it. that empathy...its never been there...she has kindness- love and generosity but the empathy wont come. so if she wants to put me through the rigger- she sees it as her right.
I don't know if it helps but all this sounds exactly like someone I know... the difference is you are trying ,, trying to reason things out for yourself. Trying to find a path and a way that works for you... I beleive you will...
People who can not or will not feel empathy must be miserable...they certainly can make the rest of us feel awful. You are trying to find a way not to feel awful, to grow and cope...Keep trying I'll keep praying for you.
I wish I had more to offer except the "that a girl" keep working it...
I think I didn't have a mother when I was a child and I didn't get one as an adult too. My mother was pretty ill too, felt entitled and if anything she got worse as she got older. The good thing was that I got help, got a perspective and stopped allowing her to have such power over me.
Of course I felt guilty, angry, sad and upset. When I got to the point where she tantrumed and I didn't sucumb to it that was a very powerful moment for me.
My mother has since died. I didnt' have the wonderful reconciliation I always hoped for. She got sicker and sicker and sicker. She didn't mature in any way. What I did get was perspective (that's a hard one to find), help (lots of it), people in the program who became my family of choice.
I stopped "shoulding" myself about my family. I stopped "shoulding" that I should put up with my family of origin's chaos, craziness and all round acting out. I stopped doing it.
None of that came overnight. I spent 10 years not speaking to any of my family. To some extent that helped, to another extent I still had the expectation that they "might" get better. They didn't.
Rosie...sounds like she might have a personality disorder. Possibly Narcistic or Borderline Personality Disorder. My aunt acts like how you described and she's totally borderline. No amount of sobriety is going to take away her psychopathology. Maybe research these illnesses and see if they apply. Particularly the borderline personality disorder. The rages and the drama and victim act sound like symptoms of that. Not sure though cuz I don't know her.
I'm sorry your Mom is treating you this way! My thoughts are with you...I have a family member that behaves this way but it is not a parent. So much harder when it is your parent.
As you well know, people with BPD cannot empathize with others, even their children. As you know, I was raised with a mom with the disorder. It can twist a child up badly; but there is recovery. I've found the tools of Al-Anon worked well when my mom was alive. Not easy - but doable - one day at a time.
My mother would call my sister any time she felt the need; that meant getting calls at 3 AM. My sister finally had to get an unlisted number. It seems undaughterly (is that a word) but it came down to self-preservation for my sister. I would screen my calls; if my mom called and was nasty, I'd delete the message, say a prayer for her and not return it. She finally got the message that if she wanted me to call or visit her, she had to be nice. There were many times that I went to visit her and she was vile; those times, I'd get up and tell her I love her, give her a hug and say "see ya." I just wouldn't subject myself to the cruelty any longer.
Much like alcoholism, it's a selfish disorder. Per the psychologist that I used to see, person with BPD rarely seek much-needed therapy, and when they do, they don't stick with it for long. He also said that he and his colleagues would take only 1 BPD client at a time because they are so demanding.
Big HUG to you. I know the pain of which you speak of.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
yes pink chip- she has been diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder but she didnt see the therapy through- she sought out therapy many years ago when we lost contact and she foun d herself still having the same problems- then she realised it wasnt me but there was something wrng with her. in some ways she has made progress- but in other ways she refuses to change. and until it stand up and say a few things there will be no reason for her to change. she doesnt meant to be agro but she is- she doesnt deliberately set out to emotionally terrorise- but she does. like today- i know shes in my town- wondering around hoping to see me- but i dont feel up to it- one of the reasons being that i have to be perfect in every way- id be expectd to turn up at a day and date that suits her- wear something nice and make the effort- wear some make up and earings- and even after all of that is done- shell still remark or comment- th skirt is too long- i need a new bra- my eyebrows need plucking. all this done while she has the freedm to wear what she likes and to feel good and rlaxed. if she comes to the house- which fills my son and I with terror- the house has to be perfect- and i mean more than tidy and clean- there needs to be fresh paint on the walls- perfect furnishings. i have not been earning properly since being a single mum and she knows this-if she comes round there will always be some problem for her to point out- my shirt needs ironing- we are sitting in darkness- the tv should be in another room
she will do this even when she knows it alienates and then shell complain shes lonely.
It's strange how we can allow other people's distortions instill guilt to make us feel badly or question our own maturity. I am finding that there is a consistency to the madness- the irrational people continue to act irrationally. I am powerless to reason with them and I am powerless to affect changes. However, I can give it to my HP and focus on whatever it is that I need to do. I'm practicing, practicing, practicing....
One of my roommates has that narcissitic personality disorder. He is perfect, no one else is. He puts on a great veneer, so much so that one of the neighbors thought he owned the buillding!
His rages are unbelievable! I no longer get caught in them.
The issue is when someone is your mother, sister, brother, significant other the detachment is so difficult.
My mother would regularly give me money when I lived closer to her. When I moved thousands of miles away the money, help, merging didn't go on as before. Even then I found myself seeking her approval. The same goes for my sisters.
For me the process had to be one of really coming to terms with my childhood. I didn't do that overnight. I did that over years of grieving the neglect, abandonment and more.
Some people do indeed get better. I do know people I've known personally for decades who got better without 12 step. They sought out other kinds of healing, they changed, they stopped being as demanding and difficult. For some the bottom line was some kind of a "bottom", for others they matured and sought out different kinds of help.
I think for me growing up in such dysfunction my dependency needs were not met. I had to learn to be independent with help from others. I had to reach out and get that help and having no trust at all that was very very difficult.
My parents were given this book in dealing wth my aunt. It greatly helped my dad (cuz it's his sister).
**Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder [Paperback] Paul T. Mason (Author), Randi Kreger (Author)
My parents were given this book in dealing wth my aunt. It greatly helped my dad (cuz it's his sister).
**Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder [Paperback] Paul T. Mason (Author), Randi Kreger (Author)
Yes, this is a good book. This book and others helped me to understand what BPD was all about and ways to deal with it.
"Surviving the Borderline Parent" really helped me; but it was heavy-duty. Every page seemed to be retelling my childhood. Only read it when you feel very strong emotionally.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
this forum is of great comfort to me- many thanks.
i feel stronger today...i need to realise I get tired too and i cant put everything down to my mum. though when she acts as nutty as a nut cake full of fruit then i think im entitled to vent! and venting to you guys who understand and hav been there is gold dust....its a very genuinely special thing- especially after all of those years of not being on the internet and not going to meetings.
that narcisstic flat mate....Ive briefly read about narcissists on forums and they seem even worse in a way.....often they appear as the perfect partner and then their true colors appear- they have no empathy...none what so ever and will use other people to further their own dreams.......the narcissist sounds really bad and all people say the same thing...if you see one...run!
in my mums case...I feel sorry for her too. but i am also aware that BPD's will get worse if they sense any weakness, as they lose respect.....the lack of respect is alongside the lack of empathy thing....yu kind of have to earn it with them...otherwise they will tread over you. so the stronger I am- the more bundarys i put down- the better my mums behaviour will be....if she sense weakness then it seems to give all her traits full reign.
