The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
LOL... had to think of something unique... I guess something I am learning is that I always thought I had to be perpetually, terminally unique, because god-forbid I was not noticed somehow. I craved acceptance because I needed approval. It didn't have to be healthy approval and acceptance, just had to get that glimmer of "hey, she's in the room"...
I always said I didn't want to be noticed, but I have always done things to get noticed, ie: being "weird" in highschool (graduated in 1993) so I would wear plaid shirts and combat boots and go to punk rock concerts and such, tattoos, piercings, being loud etc. Eventually I came to realize I wished I hadn't gotten tattoos. I am ok with it, but people now who see me, can't even imagine that I have tattoos, until they see me in a tank top in the summer... anyway, getting back to the topic. I have found through being in alanon that I am not unique. I had always thought I was like an alien from another planet because of how I felt inside. Then I start going to meetings and realize, the way I feel is something other people who have been through similar things feel. I am not weird. I read somewhere that a girl went to a detox facilitiy and when asked on a questionaire "Do you or have you ever contemplated suicide?" and her answer was "Of Course". At first that didn't even strike anything with me, that would be my answer too. But in the reading the person pointed out that the intake man said "wow, how sad that she wrote "of course", as if everyone has thought of suicide." That is what struck me. I have thought about *it* so many times because of the pain inside of me, I kind of walked around thinking it was just normal. And now I learn that, no, not everyone has. In fact some people have had lives full of living and not thinking about something like that. So I guess that puts me slightly apart, but I have something to emulate in that I can fully live my life now, and live fully as well. I am grateful for the pain that brought me to this place...so I can get better and move on from the pain...
I have never fully lived or lived fully. I have had glimpses of it, but not done it. I have started college classes and got 80 credits under my belt, but never finished the degree and can't seem to decide what to finish it in. I am hoping that with more step work I will be able to figure out just what I want to be when I grow up. I am 36 and can't decide. I know I am an artist but beyond that, I don't really want to be a front desk receptionist the rest of my life. I know there is more potential in me. I know this world is hurting and I would love to share the spirituality I am gaining with the world. I am not sure how I would do that. I can let it begin with me, I know that now. I can see that little changes help so thats what I am working on.
The other day I was flailing around in my tree and isolating because no one has any idea how I feel right? How could anyone know what it feels like to be sad, little ol' me? I was on the pity pot big time. My A didn't drink for a week, then he drank a ton one night and so the next day I was right back to step 1. Some how, there were people in this program and my sponsor who knew I needed help. My sponsor, and two other wonderful gems from this board reached out to me by texting me to see how I was. I was amazed by that and that all three of them said the same thing. That I could start my day over anytime and get off the pity pot and get back to serenity. Guess what? I did.
And over the weekend I went to yoga (svaroopa) and wow, just wow. Things smoothed out between my A and I again and I got off his back (again) and found out that if I work on me, I feel a whole lot better about everything. I have some trouble with the nerves in my right arm, I am going to be getting surgery. In the mean time, I have to keep working and doing some things before the surgery date. I am in a lot of pain and my A went out yesterday and bought me a lavender arm pillow thing that you can heat up and use to relieve the pain naturally. I told him thank you (of course). I told him also that I was feeling really down about some child hood stuff last night and he said "don't you have a meeting tomorrow night? the meetings usually help you feel better, right?" I came up with some excuses as to why I wouldn't be able to make it. He said "I think we can work it out for you to go." I suddenly felt the pressure release and that "yes, I can go" formed in my mind. The committee in my head comes up with a lot of ways to not go to meetings. To not go to yoga, to not read daily readers, to not reach out to others... but I am beginning to over-ride the committee... :)
I know this is long, and I am sorry, but thanks for listening :) It keeps me right in my head to share with you all :) Thank you and I am a grateful member of alanon... :)
-- Edited by youfoundme on Wednesday 28th of September 2011 09:42:50 AM
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
What a blessing it is to wake up to step 1 every single day!! I am so glad to hear that you are getting some kind of relief from the pain you are in that is so not fun and physical pain (just as easily as emotional pain) can certainly takes a toll on serenity. I'm so grateful you come to these boards and post it always makes me smile to read something you have discovered on your process. Keep up the good work, you are so very worth it!! :)
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I can relate to feeling alienated. I too, once showed it on the outside. These days I am a touch more conservative. I can also understand that was the only way I knew of "coping".
I have always been able to relate to so much of what you say YFM and this is not different, the head nodding while reading was giving me a headache hahahaha.
Suicide for me is an option for what I want to do with my life. I know it sounds strange, but it makes me feel free and that I have choices>>> I told ya all I was strange....
I was suicidal as a child, a teenager and adult and I attempted a couple of times. I fully understand why people do it and sometimes, strange old me, is sooooo jealous of people that don't think about it or have never contemplated it!!!!! How can they never have thought about it, most times I think they are lying cos I mean.. really.. never thought of it??? Its a strange concept to me.
That is not to say I am constantly depressed, or constantly looking to kill myself, but it is always an option. And it is a valid one too, but I choose not to take it because there are also other options. Such as looking at healing myself.... looking at not choosing that option today and trying another one. If I chose that option, there is not a plan B if I don't like it hahahahahaha.
As a counsellor, when a person comes to me suicidal I never dismiss the option, I just ask them to consider some other options for a while. And Guess what, they do think of other things because they have not been told their thoughts of suicide are 'doing something stupid'..... they feel validated and they can look around. That is just my approach and I know it is very unique.
Again , thanks for the post, I related to alot of it.
Pushka: Thanks for being there :) Can't wait for the surgery. If there was someway to do it tomorrow, I would. Wait I must, til I have a few things done, then in November its surgery time :)
Maresie: As always, great words. I am trying to be good to me :)
Linda: Its been two years since I almost did "IT" and I am now still so glad to be alive. Yes I thought about it all my life (thus part of why I thought I was an alien)....but I almost did do something very selfish... I like your approach, because if I had heard "consider other options" I thing that might have helped alot... Thanks girlie :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I love how your fiancee is so supportive and encourages you to go to meetings. He can see as we do on this board how you have grown and changed in the last several months as a result of working your program.
Starting my day over for me is key when I go bottoms up in my program. It really is one day at a time, one moment at a time. Great share, thank you!
Well thank you Tommye :) He is very supportive and in fact said to me today "I hope you go to your meeting tonight... you really seem a lot happier when you go" :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Like the traditions say, this program is based on attraction rather than promotion. Maybe you just maybe the reason for him to go back to AA. He sees it works! That is so cool.
