Spiraling over my A - Al-Anon Family Group

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Spiraling over my A

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

hmmm, my guess would be you need to take some time to figure out exactly why you ARE so upset by this episode?? I know that if my ex-AH did this type of thing, I would be upset because for me the wound is barely scarred over, easily ripped open to bleed again - I can be strong against it during the day while I work at my jobs and get my life in order but at night when alone its sometimes very hard. You post also makes me think about the Getting Them Sober book, something about losing him to another woman - but then look at what kind of person you are losing and pity the poor woman who is getting him???? Though I have no proof, I am absolutely certain my ex had engagements with other women prior to our divorce, and now, its none of my business. Maybe that's what I'd take with me in your situation, next time he starts telling you more than you want to know, hang up the phone. Come up with a statement to make, like, "this is none of my business, goodbye".

Oh and, the beauty of voicemail/answering machines is, you can screen calls - now that you know he is capable of doing this type of thing to you, don't answer, let him leave a message, if he's like mine is, it is pretty easy early in the message to tell what kind of message is going to be left (nasty or nice?) and that delicious little erase button is so easy to push.....

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Just becuz you are divorced does not mean you are finished grieving the loss of the dream! It's still an open wound.

You can see how very cruel the disease can make them. That was heartless. I learned to not answer the phone, read the texts or email that may be poisonous. I don't need the pain.

I know you hurt now, I hope as some times moves past you can heal some. Maybe go see someone who loves and values you. We all need those anti stressors.

He is one sick guy hon. Glad you came here. much love,debilyn

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

He also just sent me an email and said he had to sleep with her to end the idea of us getting back together. He knew it would be more final in my mind and I wouldn't fight hanging out with him if he was with another woman. He is right and my dreams for him to pull his head out have now died. My awareness is more fully intact and seeing how I deserve more. I had our marriage counselor tell me after I left him that I shouldn't take him back until he comes to me begging for forgiveness and working a solid recovery program. I couldn't even imagine what that would look like with him. So I am glad to be divorced from this hurtful jerk and I know I deserve better for sure.

I am going to take some time and not react and heal some more from my wounds. My sponsor is right, I have to cut communication off and just trade kids. I can't be friends with him or have any expectations of him whatsoever. All I can do is keep sweeping my side of the street and hand all this over to my HP! I NEED my meeting tomrrow for sure!!!!

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

My ex husband and I only discuss the children (just to clarify, our children have paws and are fluffy). We share custody however and meet in a neutral place (a car park) and swap over the kids, discuss any issues (vets, fleas, holiday cover etc), and then go our own way.
We do not discuss anything else in our lives.
I told him when I was planning on re marrying because I wanted him to hear it from me, and I wanted the kids there (see my avatar photo)

I guess what I am saying is, do you need to have conversations with him anymore? About his sex life or anything other than the needs of your kids?

It took me quite a long time to realise that with my exhusband.... What he does with his private life is exactly that... private... This became more apparent to me when he was in intensive care in hospital and nearly died. He would not allow me to visit him (I work in the same hospital he was in). That hurt but it really cut that last tie with him.

The things I have found out that he did during our marriage are unbelievable, I have found out most since we separated, I have never even talked to him about it even when the separation was new. It is no longer relevant.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been divorced twice. With each one, I had to learn to not allow these types of communications. Actually the first divorce was a huge learning curve for me. I thought just maybe him and I would get back together, but it never happened and he was just out to get some action and hurt me in the process. So I had to cut those ties and only talk about the child. I set major boundaries about it. With the second divorce, it wasn't a problem to stop those types of conversations, but the real problem was when he would ask for extra days or holidays etc. At first I would give in so he would get his way. Now because of alanon, I can set a boundary that says "I need to think about it" and then I get back to him. I knew some people who even used a journal back and forth to communitcate because they couldn't even speak in person until about a year or two after the divorce. They would hand over the child and the journal with a bag of clothes and go their seperate ways. I would probably not take his calls, texts or emails for now. Probably for me, it is better to not talk with my ex until I can get some good boundaries up to protect me. Take care of you :) HUGS

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs BF,

Sooo sorry you are going through this, out of the pain really comes tremendous growth, it sure doesn't feel good in the moment and the idea of growth is never at the forefront of the mind during emotional pain. I would love a guarantee of the lessons without pain, unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

It really will get better, each day comes the opportunity to find new blessings and someday rejoicing in the past lessons learned. Now had someone said that to me a year ago I probably would have accidentally on purpose punched them. :: oops I slipped and caught myself on their face :: I can say in gratitude these lessons happened and I am so much better for it because it brought me to the doors of alanon and MIP.

I do hope you will take some time for some good old fashion self care and remember that you deserve to be happy, your decision to leave was the right one for you. While he is caught up acting out with his disease you do not have to join him on the merry-go-round.

Hugs P :)

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

You Are More is a great song to listen to right now for you!!!! Practice self care and know that your HP is able to handle all things to free you up to enjoy and live your life!!!! Just being silly and giving you my ESH!

-- Edited by flopadopilus on Wednesday 28th of September 2011 05:24:27 PM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You care about him, but it's not good for you to keep in contact right now. You need space and time to heal after a divorce. Too much raw nerves. Maybe you want to stay friends but I suggest taking some time off and not contacting each other.

You think you can rush the detachment process but it will take time. If you have to talk to him, keep it cordial and business only.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

what a mean, nasty thing to do. Of course we have all been there and done that. One reason I do not have contact with the ex A is he knew exactly how to hit the jugular!

Detachment isn't some skill that works every time. Dealing with a comment like that is like asking someone to run an olympic mile.

When I was first detaching the ex A was out drinking all night regularly and I was so scared he was going to either kill himself or someone else driving back. I was sick with worry. The best I could do some nights was to cry myself to sleep. That was an incredible feat for myself.

How come so many of us immediately go into beating ourselves up!

I was and still can be beating myself up. I do less of that these days. Put down the stick!

I'm 5 years out from leaving the ex A in April, 4 years from having no contact with him at all. I'd say I am only now coming out from feeling he totally smashed me to pieces with his actions.

For some of us our boundaries come from being smashed down. The ex A would come over and start shouting. After years of taking that I said I am no longer willing to do that. That boundary came with actions, he wasn't allowed over anymore. Then he'd call and be abusive. I had untied most of the strings that connected us, the things, the money, the whatever so I turned the phone off. None of that came overnight. Please be kind to yourself. None of us get divorced, leave and move on so quickly.

Maresie.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I cannot imagine how it must feel to have an ex describe his evening with another woman over the phone but also follow it up with an email. Perhaps he is fishing for a reaction. Regardless, I think you are grounded in your thinking that you deserve better.

In support,

Tommye

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