Total nightmare!!! - Al-Anon Family Group

rara avis · Senior Member

Total nightmare!!!

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you checked in with us, RA. I've been wondering what's been happening with your situation.

I don't mean to sound like a mother hen, but I hope you will have someone with you (ideally someone strong and muscly!) when you go home, if your ex is going to be there. Cornered animals can be viscious, even monkeys.

You are very generous to be getting a storage space. I think I might have it all delivered to a friend of the ex, or even to the dump. I hope you're not paying more than the first month's rent on the storage space.

He's giving you more reasons every day to be glad when he's gone, isn't he? If he'd been totally cooperative and reasonable, you might have wavered in your assessment of him. But this makes it clear what's most important to him -- his no-effort-required hidey-hole. People really show who they are under pressure. You're showing who you are too. More power to the aware you! We're rooting for you.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs RA,

I'm so glad you checked in as well I you will do some self care even in the midst of all of the craziness, you gotta take care of you. So sorry this didn't go as planned I had the feeling you already had a plan "b".

In Support,

Hugs P :)

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh man, RA. I'm so sorry for all this drama!!

I, too, hope that you're not footing the financial cost over and above just getting him out. It does seem from your posts that if you wanted him to leave and he wasn't doing it voluntarily, something was going to have to be done. If nothing changes, nothing changes - and just asking wasn't getting it done. So good for you for deciding what you want and how you're going to get there. Seems to me like once his stuff is out of your house and wherever it goes next, your part in it is over. You've been so very gracious.

Hang tight and stay strong, friend - sounds like you're taking care of you, as tough as it is.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Many of us have been in total nightmares! I certainly have.

I've found that when I was enraged and totally reactive I actually got less done because being enraged is pretty draining.

Being detached isn't necessarily a loving act. I've detached from my roommates and I certainly don't feel loving to them. I'm detached because I choose to be rather than want to be. I've spent my entire life in "reaction" to something and it seemd quite the "right" thing to be at the time.

There are definite repercussions to being around an active alcoholic and sometimes it seems necessary to take actions. I've found I have to weigh those actions pretty carefully.

I've also found that that I need to avoid alcoholics if I personally can. They can be quite inviting, kind and sweet but the impact of their behavior on others is tremendous so I do avoid them as much as possible.

I hold you'll use the board for whatever you need to, as a sounding board, as a check in. This is a great place to get support, care and understanding.

Maresie.

rara avis · Senior Member

[ * eating lunch before I sign off ;P * ] Thank you! Yes, well, the storage unit feels like the right thing to do. I am taking care of his stuff longer than necessary, but I will feel better. PLUS - self care weasely bit - I will be flamed much less if I pitch his stuff out in a more organized matter. Short turn pain, longer term peace.

Kind of funny? A friend offered the services of his 19 yr old's football team. The kid is HUGE, and really nice. I wasn't going to go there, but now that my RA isn't budging, I just left my friend a message. I would be more than happy to have these giant kids sit around eating pizza all week, making themselves right at home. As I type this, my RA is calling me. I told him I wasn't talking to him any more. So, I am ignoring the phone. IF i run into my RA, I hope it is when I am surrounded by 260 lb teenage linebackers!

And yes this drama is so not me. If RA would have just moved none of this would have to happen. I am ending this drama, now.

xo

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Rara, just remember this and these feelings when you are wavering about letting him back in. Good luck.

rrib · Senior Member

Putting the stuff in storage is very kind and thoughtful of you. Many would just take it to the curb.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

It's so true that most alcoholics do not realize how they impact others. It's thoughtful of you to move his things to a storage unit, instead of holding a bon fire (LOL) like I've seen in the movies.

Hopefully, this is the end of your nightmare and you can take the lessons from this relationship to build a better, more fulfilling future.

Here's to your future smile

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

At one point I put the ex A's stuff in storage. Then I had a whole issue about getting him to take it. I was so relieved when he did. Eventually he left a ton of garbage and I had to get rid of that. Beware of the issue of who pays when and how.

Maresie.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Maresie raises a good point -- even if you pay for a certain length of storage time, I hope you can put the unit in your ex's name. Otherwise you'll be on the hook for getting the stuff and removing it when he refuses to do anything about it and you tire of paying for month after month of storage. In my experience, they'll do anything to keep us emeshed with them, and combined with the inertia and irresponsibility that addiction causes, his failure to claim the stuff from the storage unit is an accident waiting to happen. Sometimes it's an additional skill we have to learn, to detach ourselves not only from them but from their stuff. And they can use the stuff to hold on to us (or to punish us).

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I know we aren't suppose to give advice however here is my two cents. Set a time limit that he agrees to you will pay for the storage if that's the agreement for 90 days after 90 days if it's still there and he refuses to pick it up stop paying for it. You aren't liable if you have a written agreement as to how long and so on with him. The storage place will just sell the stuff and that will be the end of it. Or that's how it used to be, check it out find out what your options are .. again it's only an option I am suggesting by no means is it meant as it will fix it all.

Hugs p :)

rrib · Senior Member

maresie wrote:
At one point I put the ex A's stuff in storage. Then I had a whole issue about getting him to take it. I was so relieved when he did. Eventually he left a ton of garbage and I had to get rid of that. Beware of the issue of who pays when and how.
Maresie.

When I got the storage unit for my ex's stuff, I paid enough of the rent to get the unit but put it in her name so when the rent was due it was up to her to deal with it.

Doozy · Senior Member

Wow Rara!

In a way I can relate to this, given the struggle I just had getting a friend to move out. I still have to figure out what to do with the stuff she left behind. Sounds like you have a good plan.

Just wanted to send you some support and I hope that you will have a peaceful home to yourself soon!

Doozy

rara avis · Senior Member

I must look into legal repercussions regarding storage unit, but here it looks like if units aren't paid then they go up for auction. An agreement will be nice, if I can get one.

When I got home my RA was still there. Hours of calls to him and others figuring ways just to get him out of my house. His friends have been utterly useless and one told me that I should let my RA move according to his terms and we should act like adults. If I let him move on his terms he would never leave. I am hunkering in a neighbor's house in the next block, and NOW my RA is sad, contrite, sweet, and telling me to please reconsider some time in the future, etc...GAH! I am perfectly safe but RA does not see how a big guy who might be upset would be unnerving to a woman who is 60 lbs smaller and telling him to get out. He said he is hurt that I would be afraid.

I am very flawed and have dealt with many people [ and myself! ] who have dealt with a host of mental health issues. That said, I can honestly say that I will never, ever, in a million years EVER, knowingly get involved again with an alcoholic or recovering alcoholic. This disease is by far the most crazy making, soul sucking mental disease around, and I have seen a LOT. Enough is enough!

Alanon has been such a lifeline, bless you all!!! Absolutely wonderful people, all of you.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I took a huge financial hit and when he begged me to "just leave his phone on" "Boohoo I need support from my friends!!' I got a 600 dollar phone bill as a result. I guess it evens out though since now my ex just had his bank card stolen and the account drained by his latest druggie bf....not that I think he deserves that as we are on ok terms now I guess.

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh gawh, this scenero sounds so familar. What I had to do is pack all her stuff up, put it in storage, and turn the key over to her for it, and with it all responsibility for her belongings. My part was done. She had 1 month to get her stuff out of storage or be willing to pay the storage bill. I was also aware that she could make allegations that I had moved her belongings, and was withholding them from her, so I had a mutual third party provide her with the key and the paper work of the storage unit, so she could not say she never got them. Fact is, she got them as soon as all her stuff was packed into the unit and I felt I needed someone besides myself to provide her with the key and paperwork so there could be no room for false allegations against me later on.

Now, here in North Carolina there are landlord/tenant rights, and I found that in order to enforce a relational termination of residency.. all her belongings had to be out of the house and off the property. As long as she had clothes or personal items here, was recieving mail here, I would have had to go through the courts to get her out. However, with the relational termination of residency, and her not have a thing left here, I was able to get the police to ensure me that they would intervene in my behalf if she so much as came on the property. Putting her stuff in storage and notifying the postal service that she was not a resident here, therefore the mail should not be left here... her residency was able to be terminated.

My heart goes out to you. Not only is the ending of a relationship very painful, dealing with this kind of stuff, is also very difficult. I may have been the one packing her stuff and putting it into a storage unit, it didn't take place without its own pain.

Like yourself, I had to get empowered by anger before I finally had the energy to do the job and get it done, and not keep waiting on someone else that couldn't see past their own nose.

Just follow through with things, and get it done. It cost me some money but those dollars bought me a lot more than merely a storage shed. It bought me esteem.. because I was doing the right thing, even when it was not warranted or deserved. It allowed me to demonstrate a display of love and care in a healthy way.

John

John · ~*Service Worker*~

More recently I had to get someone evicted, because they would not move on their own. As soon as the court was informed that this was not a lease agreement but our living together was based on a relationship that went sour.. they ordered she be off the property within 72 hours. If she wasn't gone within that 72 hours, the sheriffs office would have removed her from the property with all her stuff at the curb... I'm glad I didn't have to follow through with that, but nice to know it could be resolved within the frame work of the law under a different set of eviction guidelines than a lease agreement would permit. It would have required a hearing within 30 days, and most likely allotted her an additional 30 days to move. I would not have last that long, I would have ended up in jail, if they didn't get her out immediately. LOL

John

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

" I realize this is a disease, but I cannot BELIEVE how selfish and uncompromising one person can be"

Yes disease, brain damaged. Yes a disease that is selfish and uncompromising.

After being put out for surgery last time,they gave me too much. It made me insane. I even threw things.

that is NOT my nature.

Drugs affect them inside.I guess I am stimied stymied? By how long it takes us to "get" they are sick in every part of their body. The disease does this to them as cancer does it.

I invite you to help you. I know you are busy and it is hard horrible I had to do it but I burned everything. He wanted nothing.

I invite you to do this out of love for a person you used to love, who now is a very sick man.

Wish I could help ya hon. I can tell you, forgiveness is for you. Bitterness and Anger will make you sick.

For me to hate, to blame an A for having a disease is like being mad at a sick puppy who barfs on the new carpet. It's not the puppies fault.

Its the nature of the beast of addiction.

hugs,debilyn

-- Edited by Debilyn on Monday 26th of September 2011 10:58:27 PM

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Rara,

Just wanted to send you some thoughts of encouragement and support. You are not alone.

{{{hugs}}}

Tommye

rara avis · Senior Member

I finally got him out of the house by point blank telling him he had to pack an overnight bag and leave within 2 hours. It took 6? hours but he did. Now I am in my upside-down house trying to sort things out for movers. This is very difficult as he has some critical items here - his laptop! - and also, yes, seeing the death of a dream and remembering the good times we've had. He also did some last minute house/yard work to make amends, or his version of it.

It is so hard not to feel monstrously guilty, and I sure do feel sad and lonely.

Thank you everybody! xo
rara avis

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Rara someone said to me, you can always get married again - how smart that was and even now, divorced from someone I miss terribly, I keep that thought in mind. It also gets me to thinking what would have to happen to want to marry him again or even let him back into my life. Just because you are making him leave does not mean you have to keep him out of your life forever, right? Depends on him.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs RA,

Sending you lots of support and love during this difficult time. A dead dream is still just that a dead dream and it will take time to grieve. Just like LMH said it's all up to your HP and what plans there are for you and what plans your AH's HP has for him. All you can do is the best you can do.

Hugs P :)

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I've spent most of my life having unrealistic dreams when it comes to A's. I know I bought into the ex A's dreams a lot. I made them my dreams. I have had to learn to have my own dreams that were not all tied up with his.

Maresie.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Guilt is not productive. You gave him soooooooo many chances. Hand the guilt over. You just gave him the best gift ever. You let him be responsible for himself and if anything is going to make him act more grown up...it might be that. Also, don't romanticize "what could have been" and only remember the good times. The bad times sound like the totally outweight things.

In sum, look forward and keep your chin up. You did good!

Mark

rosielee · Senior Member

he sounds bad.....this is a bad disease- but there are also bad characters also- who just cant be helped and wont be. my friend quit his job as a homeless helper because he saw too much of it. and he is an ex chronic alcoholic himself and even he couldnt abide it.

rosielee · Senior Member

DONT feel guilty. you owe it to yourself to not let another person destroy you with their actions...this comes after numerous chances- did he feel any guilt then? NO!
sooner you wipe away all remnants of guilt the better- it means being tough and hard but it feels so much healthier than the guilt tugging and the pulling on your heart strings.
you have one hour of feeling guilty- then the emotion has to go-lol

if you think about it- its just allowing him to cause you more damage- let go of that guilt and be liberated by it!!

we are responsible for our own actions. we try to do good by others so we have no reason for the guilt.

happiness and peace of mind is 100% ours by rights- lets take it- grab hold of it and live it.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Also, you didn't cause his situation. Not even his alcoholism caused it. His choices did.

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