I am confused! - Al-Anon Family Group

Hot Chicka · Veteran Member

I am confused!

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

Alcoholism defies logic. Particularly with the question "why," there's no way to get a logical and rational answer because the whole thing is illogical and irrational. Perhaps he really wants to be sober and he's struggling. Perhaps he really doesn't want to be sober but thinks he should keep going to the meetings. Perhaps he's pretending that nobody else knows he's sick. No way to know, and the odds are good the answer wouldn't make any sense if there were an answer.

In my opinion, whatever gets someone's butt in the chair at AA is good. We have no way of knowing what someone may need to hear at a meeting that may stick. I figure that I relapse...I say "yes" when I want to say "no," I people please, I don't stand up for myself when I should, sometimes I'm nosy and overbearing - but when I relapse, I need a meeting even worse than ever. For me, relapse is when I need the program the most.

Just my .02.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

I have to agree with White Rabbit here...I just recently asked my qualifier why he does this. I said "but why did you go drink those first few nippers?" and his answer was "My brain told me it would be ok this time to just have a few. A few turned into drinking 12 drinks...I don't know the answer." Just like I don't know why some days I can focus on me and do the work on me, and other days I am flailing about and have to reach out or I fall off the wagon... Being that he still goes to AA, I would say thats a good thing. Addiction is a crazy thing and there can sometimes be relapses and then they finally get it. Take care of you :)

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Its good he keeps on going. He may see/hear something he wants. There is no requirement he actually be sober to attend meetings. Some meetings restrict sharing to those who have sobriety. Some meetings suggest those who have not been sober stand up and identify themselves as a newcomer at meetings. Certainly anyone who has been in recovery for a while can tell if someone has been "using".

The alcoholic in denial is a pretty difficult person to comprehend. That's why its good to have resources like the book "getting them sober" handy to remind us what we are dealing with.

I'm so glad you are here and reaching out.

Maresie.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Chicka...This is being caught in the middle...the "Maybe I am and Maybe I'm not" it is another new period of investigation. Alcoholics don't like the acceptance in "We admitted were were powerless and 0ur lives had become unmanagable". Alcoholics don't like the concept of powerlessness and don't especially like the idea that the chemical owns them and not the other way around. Besides the withdrawals can also becalling him back...withdrawals in his thinking, feelings and emotions. Alcohol is anesthetic and a central nervous system moderator. It is also a depressant and it is addictive. The addiction doesn't ever go away...ever.

My compulsion for it and addiction to it has been missing something for years...the alcohol. If I provide that connection which the alcoholic part of my mind, body, spirit and emotions desires I consign myself again to slavery. I never liked the middle ground between am I or aren't I? Dr. Harry Tiebout speaks to Al-Anon and AA about the difference between submission and surrender. Submission says for today that I am alcoholic but there will come a day when I will be able to drink with impunity that is on the conscious level. Surrender says that I am powerless and will never ever be able to drink alcohol safely and if I do my entire existence is in immediate jeapordy. That is on the subconscious level...down in my gut...constant awareness and surrendered to in my will. My best defense is in my subconscious and inside of the program of recovery.

There are alot of alcoholics who are in this "in between space" and what the fellowship does for them is support them on their journey, be there for them when they hit bottom again and pray that their HP will get in the way between them and the disease.

I'll pray for you both. Get in and stay in the fellowship of Al-Anon. While he drinks you need to be healthy...mind, body, spirit and emotions. (((((hugs))))) smile

nyc018 · Senior Member

He is probably still "bargaining" with the alcohol. It is not unusual at all for alcoholics to try to convince themselves that they can drink moderately, because they have not yet gotten to the point of surrender where they really admit they can't, and make that ultimate commitment. It may just be part of the process he has to go through to get there. Even when someone knows what they have to do, the pull of addiction is often too strong. Even so it is good he is going to AA, because something may stick. Most importantly, take care of yourself and focus on what you can do to make yourself feel good.

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand your bewilderment; I felt the same confusion when my A would drink and go to AA meetings a few years back.

Today he goes for him, not me, not to get his house back, cat back, neighborhood back, etc. He goes for himself. He told me this just yesterday with tears in his eyes and a lump in his throat.

He has been going to AA daily for the past 4 months. Once in awhile he will mention that he and a few others will go for coffee with newcomers that they know are still drinking. Yesterday he shared with me that one guy he gave his 24-hour chip to came up to him and thanked him not only for the chip (coin) but to say thank-you for the encouraging words he gave him. This guy was under the influence when my A gave him the chip and talked with him. Little did he know the guy absorbed what he said. The guy told him that it meant a lot to him and he had thought about what he said every day since then. (I don't know what he said.)

So I realize how baffling it is to you. But keep an open mind and by all means ask questions. The more we know, the better we can help them by helping ourselves.

take good care

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Chicka,
My hubby doesn't drink anymore because he got throat cancer (and beat it), but he has been in AA for 11 yrs. Now he uses Valium, Ambien, Flexeril and Codiene #3. He is a pharmacist and absolutely knows all about these drugs. I have heard him say he's not really sure he is an alcoholic because he quit drinking easily after his DUI. .. now I remember a man who used to get up in the middle of the night to drink a glass of whiskey.... because he wanted/needed it. Geez, he makes it sound like if I had only been more of a nag and made him want to quit I would have been able to MAKE him quit... I know that is a lie.

He also has said that a "real" drug problem would be taking 10 valiums all at once, and following it with 10 more pills of something else. Taking them one at a time is not a problem to him. I have no idea what to think. His choices are not what I would make, but I am not him. Detach, detach, detach. You are not dealing with a rational mind. You are dealing with a man in denial. You will feel much better if you just live your own life and let him do whatever he will do. I don't worry about helping him because I am so busy with my own life I don't have time to worry about his choices. He will do what he will do no matter what I do. In the meantime....what am I doing? I hope I am living a wonderful life.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It's irrational to question insanity.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Perhaps he likes what he is hearing. I find God speaks through people in meetings. We never know the benefit of what is being heard. It could be today, tomorrow, or twenty years from now. A power greater than ourselves works on His timetable. In our literature there is a quote that may apply here. It is:

When the student is ready, the teacher appears

Hot Chicka · Veteran Member

Thanks all for your responses....right now I am just going to continue on with me and not worry so much about this. Yes it is confusing, but I'm just staying out of it......

rosielee · Senior Member

i think for some of them it takes a while to admit they just cant touch it full stop. its as simple as that. they want to drink and have social drinks- but they cant. i think he still has to fully let go of it altogether. but he doesnt sound like an every day drinker at the moment. most stop because one sip can lead to every day drinking.

at least he keeps going to AA- this you must encourage- it probably is the only thing keeping the whole thing from a total nightmare.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.