The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Like many of you, I grew up in an alcoholic household, with both parents being heavy daily drinkers. Amazing how I find myself reliving some of those bad memories now with my wife.
I have a picture from when I graduated college, about 20 years ago. I'm standing next to my now deceased mom, who was in a wheelchair at this point (she passed away about 3 years after the photo was taken). It's a happy day but I have an angry/scared look on my face. I probably thought I was smiling, but I realize now that it was the look I had on my face for most of my life once I realized that things were "not right" in my home. It's amazing for me to look at this photo now. There's not a half smile, there's no light in my eyes, there's just anger and fear and worry. What must my dad have thought as he took the photo?
This past weekend, my wife and I were finishing up some redecorating projects around the house. At one point, we were hanging a mirror, and I held the mirror against the wall so we could position it properly. I saw my face looking back at me and it was that same face from 20 years ago. Angry, scared, and worried.
For all the progress I feel like I've made in the last year, I still have so far to go.
Look how far you have come though and truly the road never ends and that's ok. We are all just works in progress always.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have experienced the same awareness when looking at pictures from my early years. I recently saw a picture from my Sweet 16 Party and I had the "same look" that you describe. I could even go back and remember how it was and why I had that expression.
The great part about this program is that :We get the awareness" and truly see. This alanon journey is truly a process and I know that it is an inside job. The better I became at letting go of my fears, angers, resentments (Steps 4-11) the more positive my insides became and that was reflected in my expression.
You are on the way Keep doing what you are doing Remember the 3 As
You have the Awareness and Acceptance The action is to keep showing up, turning it over and living one day at a time.
Yeah but..... even that awareness, that you shared with us today - is a "reflection" (pardon the mirror pun, but I couldn't resist) of both how far you have come AND your desire to break the chain....
I say.... kudos to you for some great self awareness.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I certainly married my parents over and over throughout my life. I knew what I was doing but I couldnt' seem to stop. I have to say now I have stopped. Getting down to the nitty gritty of what stopping meant was so so key. I also know I "stopped" by getting to a point where I could not "do" it anymore. For me that had to be a personal moment like the one you have in the mirror. I could see that what "I" was doing was killing me.
When I was with the ex A I got to the point where I was either crying or raging. I had no inbetween. I felt ill all the time. I felt over stressed, upset and depressed. I gave up many of the things I liked doing, dressing up, going out. I was exhausted all the time.
I grew up in a family who were mentally ill, using alcohol to medicate was one of the ways they coped. Every picture of my family on a holiday includes them being drunk. That was their only idea of having fun.
Awareness is indeed part of it. Some of my recovery has been about how I "invite" alcoholics into my life. I didn't have an ounce of self preservation in me.
Stopping doing my part in it wasn't some giant revelations it was about stopping. I had to stop people pleasing, learn self care and stop taking care of alcoholics and drug addicts.
My anger at what my qualifier does comes from fear. I am so afraid that I react with anger...I know I have to keep coming, because at least now I can be aware of whats going on, and accept it and then eventually take action. For now the awareness is all I can do... I am in progress...
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
