The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Regarding furneral for Ex "father in law" type person.
My ex A Boyfriend said there is not really going to be a "service" just a "gathering" of friends etc. at the funeral home.
He said he wasn't really comfortable "receiving" alot of attention and that my parents and daughters shouldn't plan to attend. He was even indicating he didn't want me there ( or so it seemed ) I told him I didn't understand but would respect his wishes and although it was confusing to me I had much to do this week and I would just accept what he said and not worry about it.....as soon as I said that he literally said "it would be nice to have you there"
Somehow this interaction made me understand this man is not comfortable with being loved,,, it is painful for him to feel loved. I had been told this before it just would not sink in...( like if someone told me grass was blue and the sky was green).
Slogans being brought to life for me are....
Quit Taking it personally, (really had a hard time with that one because relationships are personal to me otherwise why have them? you can get sex and partnership in other ways-- love is personal) but with an alcoholic personal hurts like hell!! Like knowing if you try to "love" a snake you will likly be bitten)
Acceptance of what is...
Is it in my best interest?
detachment with love... ( like the fact that I am going to the service but was willing not to without gettting all freaked out! )
Expectations are resentments waiting to happen (not sure one is alanon or not) like I can't expect him to show or accept love just because that is what I believe to be the norm...
showing deep intimate love to him always seemed to make him recoil, he would even "bite" or be emotionally cruel. Like a scared animal backed into a corner..... in the past I took this to be an indication of his value of me, and it literally made me loose my mind.
How some one would say they love you and avoid special times, holidays, birthdays, or weddings, any time you would expect the person you love to "be there" in a special way for you he would then be distant, yet say he loved me...
He often seemed to "warm up' to strangers, be friendly and charming ,,it all seemed like him dismissing me personally, seemed like he didn't like or value me. Seemed like he thought I was a worthless item in his life...
even little things like ignoring "love letters" or emails that were in anyway "personal"
Now I see -I am thankful to be away from that so it won't "rub off ' on me or cause me to be disfunctional toward those I love BUT ... I see that it is just the way it is and not an indication of my value.... WOW again WOW!
Interestingly enough there is now enough distance between us that this new "revelation" does not make me feel like I know what the problem is so now all I have to do is determine how to "fix" the problem... which is totally how I was in the past...(thus the 3 C's are evident in my life)
I am very aware that I still can not 'fix' it.. and I am worth way way too much to just accept it ...my getting to this place of acceptance that it simply was not in my best interest to continue this relationship before I understood the "why" may have been my higher power's hand of protection on me ...because had I had this knowledge before I likely would have just worked harder to attempt to fix it thus causing myself more pain.
Now I see why it was that it seemed all he really wanted from me was to work and contribute financially, that is how he is comfortable with love-unfortunatly the more I tried to show love emotionally and then felt rejected the less desire I had to work and be productive and "have a life" the less I felt like focusing on me..seemed like I was just "stuck" waiting for my needs to get met by him.
WOW the more I accept things the way they are and remeber to protect my best interest the more questions that have tormented me for years are answered...
-- Edited by glad on Sunday 25th of September 2011 08:31:26 PM
-- Edited by glad on Sunday 25th of September 2011 08:51:29 PM
-- Edited by glad on Sunday 25th of September 2011 09:25:38 PM
-- Edited by glad on Sunday 25th of September 2011 09:48:16 PM
The slogan that creeped into my head while I read your post is Letting Go and Letting God. Acceptance, detachment with love, yes, it seems like you have them all on board too. I would say that this post demonstrates part of what our 12th step reads, practicing these principals in all our affairs.
Good job of putting yourself first and maintaining your spiritual condition while being supportive to your ex by attending the funeral. Bravo!
Personally I find all those issues very triggering. I know the ex A did. His family took over all those occasions to the total degree. His mother required him to be there for at least 12-14 hours on all those dates.
For some people they never get to work through those issues.
I know its very very hard not to take it personally I certainly did.
