Loving an Alcoholic - Al-Anon Family Group

Irene · Member

Loving an Alcoholic

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Irene,

You didn't say if you were going to alanon meetings or not, if not please go. It will help put things into perspective as far as what you want out of this relationship.

Hugs P :)

rrib · Senior Member

Irene wrote:
Will I ever truly grasp what I need to do for serenity, for peace?

That's what the 12 steps and the program are all about. Welcome. Glad you're here.

Jonesy0505 · Veteran Member

I ask myself the same thing everyday. Like myself, you are already trying to grasp it just by being here. Keep reading others ESH's. It's what's keeping me as serene and peaceful as I can be at the moment. Keep coming back! There are many loving and supportive people here who help me through each day.

((HUGS))

Sherri

Irene · Member

Because of my work schedule, I can't get to the meetings during the week. Maybe I can find a weekend group. I know that I need my friends in AlaNon...so I went desperately seeking an online group! So glad that I found you! smile

Irene · Member

Hi! Thank you for reminding me of what it takes! I've been involved in AlaNon for several years off and on....that's the problem! I realize that it's not a quick fix, that it's a daily commitment to working the steps and incorporating it into my life. It is up to me to make it a priority! Thank you!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I invite you to find a support group for abused women. Your Dept of Human Services can direct you.

Abuse has nothing to do with being an addict.

We learn about ourselves in Al Anon. What is it about you that believes you deserve to be physically abused?

In my experience once an abuser crosses that line of actually hitting someone, he or she will kill them! I was in a support group with a great moderator face to face and had my eyes opened. How much does one believe someone cares about THEM, if they are abused?

I hope you will keep coming back. We here already care about you! Al Anon can help us to see that we deserve to take care of ourselves and love that special person we are.

The A's disease makes us very sick. We are being pulled into a horribly dark pit.

There is lots of hope! please keep coming!! love,debilyn

HDgem · Newbie

I know we are not to advise, only share our experiences. So....In my experience, once physical abuse happens, it will happen again. Add alcohol to that equation and all bets are off. Taking care of you is #1 priority. right?

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

I do so hope there are weekend face to face meetings out there where you are. I live in a big metro area and there is no problem finding several meetings on the weekends.

For me Alanon is a daily program where I find it necessary for me to work the steps on a daily basis. I get out of the program more than I put into to it. It is an ongoing journey for me. I do so hope you will continue to share part of yourself with us. I appreciate the opportunity to get to know you better.

Best,

Tommye

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I found it took a lot of work on myself to be able to love a more healthy person and to believe I was good enough and worth it to be loved by that healthy person in return. I used to fall for sick people because they made me feel needed and I didn't ever have to work on myself. I guess it was love, but it wasn't healthy love. Also, I'm not perfect now....just better than I was. Not sure if you can relate to this or get anything from it, but I'm glad you are here and welcome.

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

HI

It would be totally hypocritical of me to tell you what to do in this situation. I know what I would do now, but hindsight is 20/20. Alcoholism and physical abuse are two issues in my mind. They often come to visit at the same time though.

One (well more, but the one of this story) of my ex partners hit me. I knew it would come one day. I told him once that I thought there was a chance he may hit me. He told me to leave then if I believed that. I didn't, I told him that I will give the opportunity that I may be wrong. One of those times that being right isn't much fun.

Our first physical fight was when we were both drunk. After a short time of physical fights when drinking, he decided that I would not drink, and he would drink only lights and that neither of us would get drunk again. (I will add here that I was 20 years old and still 'experimenting' in life).

We ceased drinking all together. The abuse did not stop. His narcissism did not heal from the lack of alcohol.

ONe time we were living with his Mum in Sydney. He punched me so hard that I had blood nose and black eyes. He told me he would understand if I left and moved the 5000km back home to my Mum, didn't offer me any help to do this however. He was so sorry for it. Looking back I know now that he was only sorry that time because his mother witnessed it.

Hey, guess what, I stayed. I finally left 8 years later. It has effected the rest of my life.

I put my foot down one time and told him, "that is the second last time you hit me, because when it happens again, I am walking" I had never said that to him. Again he told me to leave there and then if I believed that. Again I said I would give him the benefit of the doubt. That time it worked, he never physically hit me again... didn't mean I wasn't still in an abusive relationship in other ways.

In my experience, once I was hit the first time, the second time was so much easier for him to get away with. I finally left him after 8 and a half years of emotional, physical, sexual, financial and every other kind of abuse there is.

I do not 'handle angry' very well. I will run and hide or I will come out fighting. He changed my life and now I am trying to heal it.

Its a good thing you are here trying to heal yours now. I left that man 11 years ago this week. I have never spoken to him again. I now do not start to hyperventilate when I think of him.

For you.... it will take what it takes.

Irene · Member

Thanks to everyone for sharing with me today! It has helped me to focus on what I really need to be doing with myself! smile

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Irene, so glad you are posting here. You bring up a topic I have been thinking a lot about. I have realized that for many years I've been saying things to myself like, "He's an alcoholic and he made fun of me when I was upset that he ignored my birthday, and he lied to me about X, and he said mean things when I told him about Y, what should I do? I love him." And my decisions would be based on "I love him" and not on all the other things I had just been thinking about. So what I've been dwelling on is what I mean by "I love him." Because why do we continue to have feelings for these people who are untrustworthy and unsafe? I think in many ways the "love" mechanism is broken in me. What it really is is something that reacts when a man has certain characteristics, and disregards other characteristics.

In my case the certain characteristics that trigger the "love" happen to be that he is funny, that he shows me a lot of attention (in the beginning -- later, no, but I keep hoping that attention will return), that he seems successful, and that he can be really charming at times. (Usually, mostly at the beginning, and again I spend a lot of time hoping that will return.) And maybe most crucially, he's on-again/off-again. Most of the relationship is spent with me hoping for a wonderful ending, hoping he'll return to what he seemed to be at the beginning. And he blows hot and cold, terrible one day, loving the next. And then often terrible a lot more than loving.

This hot-and-cold was the kind of thing I experienced when I was a child. I think my love-mechanism thinks how familiar and "right" this feels, and hopes that at last I can make the story come out right -- this time I'll win his love permanently, I'll triumph over the bad parts. It's an old pattern. And it produces incredibly strong feelings -- passions. Then I interpret these strong feelings as love. What I really mean is "I feel strongly about him."

It's so hard to move away when one half of you is thinking, "These strong feelings are not about this relationship; they're about trying to remake something from long ago. They're about what I need. They're not about what he has to give." And the other half is thinking, "Must have him! Can't live without him! Can't do it! Must have him! Must stay with him!" It's so hard to listen to the rational side. But my experience of believing the other side -- well, it's never had a happy ending yet.

I hope you can get to some meetings and take very good care of yourself. Hugs.

seekingtruth · Member

Hello Irene,

For me, what I have come to realize, is that I grew up in a home of emotional neglect and physical abuse. These were the people that "loved" me, so why would I not look for love from the same behaviors? Once I realized that I had to change that definition of love, how I loved myself and others and who I was attracted to, the chasm between where I was and where I wanted to go seemed like the grand canyon. I thought I was hard wired this way and nothing could change it.

Recovery and working the steps with a sponsor exactly as they are laid out really helped. Focusing on myself and changing those things, one little thing at a time, that I identified in the steps along with reading anything and everything I could get my hand on (there is SOOO much) ... I grabbed it all. But the core of it all was learning to love myself enough that I would not allow this to happen anymore. I would be very upset if someone treated my kids like this, why do I allow it in myself? I would not see it as love it if it was happening to my children or to my friends or family ... so why do I feel love when I receive this behavior?

I had to answer these questions and it is not an overnight change. It is truly One Day at a Time and the changes were gradual. I am still changing. I am still making some of the same mistakes and have improved in other areas. I am still hearing "I love you so much" while their actions are the exact opposite. But I am aware of it now and it is uncomfortable. It is NOT the place of comfort and familiarity. I was able to walk away from the situation once again not feeling that I deserved to be alone and am unlovable, but that I deserve to be treated better and be with someone who honestly does love me and SHOWS it, is safe, and doesn't purposefully hurt me. I deserve it and it has to START with ME. If I don't treat myself that way I would be showing everyone else how to treat me the same way.

No one deserves abuse. Please protect yourself.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.