The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
-I went to my first Al-anon meeting last Monday night. IT was a very overwhelming experience - - made me wonder if I had what it took to hear the stories of those who shared... I shared my story, too, and it was good to be able to talk about things.
briefly, I am two-years into a second marriage, after 16 years as single-mom following divorce. 1st husband had wake up call with alcohol and has been sober for 23 years. I am proud of him. His Anger issues didn't subside just because his drinking stopped, and I couldn't stay there, with my children, and have them think that their Father's treatment of me was "normal."
Met 2nd husband 4 years ago. He didn't drink when we met, but picked it up again (after a 2 year break) during our dating. I didn't know at the time, but it has been apattern for him, in previous relationships to drink, binge, and then go for periods of not drinking. He seemed ok. then number of drinks increased, and time spent drinking increased. I began to wonder if I was repeating marriage number one, when the negative and sarcastic comments began to happen more regularly. A final event, involving the police forced the issue and I told him that that he would have to go. I had divorced my daughters's Dad and taken him out of their lives in order to keep them in a safe enviroment, and I wasn't about to let husband #2 pick up where #1 left off. He agreed, and left without incident. we are both in counseling and he has stated that he has a problem with alcohol. He is a good man, hard worker, and good provider. My fear in letting him come back into the house, and into our marriage, is that this period of sobriety will not be forever. I know that there is no way of knowing - no guarantee...and I have to make a decision to go down this path with the man I love... still haven;t wrapped my head around it completely, but I now know that I have a good place to gain skills and knowledge about how to continue to take care of me while he takes care of him.
Thank you all for being here. First meeting at Al-anon, reading the steps, I couldn't get past #1. I didn't feel powerless over alcohol, and didn't see how I'd get to step two. And why shoudl I work the steps when it's his issue? All good questions, I thought... and I come here, and am finding the answers... in the experiences... Thank you..
Sounds like you are on the right path. I don't know many people who don't ask themselves exactly what you have asked, "Why should I get help? I'm not the one with the problem."
Please keep coming back and continuing to go to the face to face meetings. You are so worth it!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
(((HDGem))) I'm surprised at your saying you don't feel powerless over alcohol, as that' s what brings most of us here in the first place. No judgement, just going by my experience. And as far as it being his issue - That may be, but most of us are affected by our loved one's issues. Even if we don't recognize it at the time. I would like to share with you the three C's - we didn't CAUSE it, we can't CONTROL it, we can't CURE it. I'm glad you found this place, there is much wisdom and comfort to be found here. Read the posts and replies of others. And keep coming back. You're not alone. Our situations may be different but in some ways they are all the same.
Glad you are here! You've come to the right place. I too had issues at first with why did "I" have to change, he was the one with the problem. But a sponsor helped me understand the first step this way: She asked me if my life was manageable. Well that was easy to answer, No. I, like you, had had to involve the police, so to me that was at what point it became "unmanageable".
I like you, didn't understand why "I" had to work the steps, didn't "he" have the problem? Well, then I started looking at "me" and my part in it. First of all I was married multiple times (like you) and this made me ask myself, "What is it about 'me' that attracts them?" Even after I got into al-anon, I married a dry alcoholic, thinking, well he doesn't drink, this will be ok, he's quit. What I didn't realize was he was a dry drunk, he had quit drinking, but he still had all the "isms" of the disease because he had not entered a recovery program. so this marriage eventually failed too. (I have actually been married 4 times, First 2 alcoholic marriages convinced me to join al-anon, 3rd was an ACOA, who had a sex addiction because of being abused by his alcoholic father, and 4th was a dry drunk.)
I have since looked at "my" part in the demise of each marriage, and realised that in each I did actually play a part, that it wasn't all him. So this program is definitely for "us" and not "them". It is looking at what we can do to change our behavior so that our relationships with the alcoholic's in our lives can go as smooth as possible. The biggest thing that I learned to help with this was to "Live and Let Live", an Al-Anon slogan. I find that if I "mind my own business" and stay out of theirs, things go a lot more smoothly. If I'm working my program and allowing them to work theirs (whatever that needs to be for them), I find I don't become so obsessed about their behavior. This is what works for me.
Glad you found us and hope you keep coming back!
Overcome
-- Edited by Overcome on Saturday 24th of September 2011 09:54:40 PM
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
For a very long time, I would not believe I was powerless either. So I certainly understand your stance.
However, after 36 years of living with an alcoholic and trying to contol his drinking, I finally admitted that I was powerless.
I've been attending meetings since March of this year. I didn't care for meetings at first, but I felt a strong pull from within to keep going back. I'm glad I did.
Keep an open mind and be willing to listen. You'll find your answers.
Take good care, Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Hello HD - Step One - We admitted we were powerless over _______--that our lives had become unmanageable. (from MIP Step Work Board Link at the top of this board). Reading the step as such, I found it easy to fill in the blank. I am powerless over the alcohol my loved one drinks. I am also powerless over whatever my loved ones does. Truthfully my fill in the blank was my loved ones name, I am powerless over him and my life had become unmanageable.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I too didnt think I had a problem so why did I have to go to Alanon. That was my thinking. But I was strongly encourage by quite a few people that finally, I went just to get them off my back.
What helps me with the perspective of step 1 is to work it backwards. "Is my life unmanageable"......I would answer yes or no. If it is, then I say "What am I powerless over?" To me I am powerless not only of their drinking, but their actions, words that hurt, but also I am powerless over my reactions when I am exposed to active alcoholism. That is how I can see the similarities of the program, not the differences.
A lovely member added the 3's of Alcoholism. I would like to supplement that with a 4th "C" which is I can Contribute to it. I contributed to the insanity with anger, fear, crying, pleading, negoitiating, you name it. I would swing from one grand emotion to another, never finding a balance. That was my insanity. That is how I connected with Step 2.
Give the program a chance, trying six or more meetings to see if you still like what you are hearing. If you are on the fence, try six more. Working with a sponsor really helped give me a new perspective as to my motives and choices in relationships I was having. I have a much different life today. I am so grateful to the program and my sponsor.
Please keep coming back, it was a pleasure to hear your story.
I can fill the blank in with my husband's name, too... that makes sense..
I have done work on boundaries, and use the back-pack analogy.. We each have our backpacks to carry.. I am responsible for what is in mine, and trying to put his drinking in my backpack doesn't work. I am thankful that I had the chance to work on boundaries following my first marriage's demise, and time afterwards. Townsend and Cloud's "Boundaries" books were life savers me, and i know I am stronger because of that time. Maybe that is why I don't feel powerless over alcohol, but powerless, yes, over what my husband does when he drinks, or that he drinks, period. That is his issue, his backpack. I''m here to stay healthy, and I know that "here" is a good place. thank you for your words of wisdom.
