The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Again I am so very thankful for my higher power mostly and for this board and for alanon.
Earlier this week I spoke with my ex A boyfriend by phone about his sick father and basicly a "how are you call" in the past I couldn't even look at or speak to my ex without crying and then staying in bed all afternoon.
In this call he asked me about my dating life EXTREAMLY extreamly unusual for him to ask that ...my response (not much of one at all really, just not "feeling" romantic but doing so well and having a fantastic time with myself and family etc... I then told him (nicely,kinda jokingly) " unless there is someone who may get her feelings hurt from my speaking with you, and I specifically ask if there was..(because I don't want to be "that kind of an ex") otherwise you can keep your dating info to your self thank you....)
Last night at 1:30am or so my ex A texted me and let me know his father ( a 70 year old extream alcoholic who I was "close to" ) has passed away... I think I'm still processing as I myself have not yet cried about this..
However the fact that I was able to be there last night for my ex A and NOT get sucked into romantic/ emotional/ codependent / alanon behaviors is sooooo good.
and if I was "sucked' in a bit I know how where my streanght to recuperate from that is... in my higher power.
I woud say as far as "being on cloud nine" about taking care of me as I have been the last few days I do feel I've taken a 5 to 7 percent step backwards due to what I am about to share..but that is such a small ammount and I'm spending my time thinking...okay how to I take care of me, regain the 7 percent and even go farther?
The story....
EX bf texted with info about his loss and said he was hurting and needed me right away ( I still believe this to be true).
I threw some things in the car and drove 30 minutes to his apartment.
As I drove over I was telling myself that I was doing this for free (no expectations of what it meant that he asked for me) and that I must take care of myself in the process and I keep thinking how determined I am not to loose ground on my "healing".
We talked till 6am (normal grief process stuff and about funeral arrangements, his dad's lack of assests, my bf's concerns etc ) as I'm truely listening I'm sitting there thinking this is great...I'm not all messed up inside because we are no longer "together" ... I'm here for him but I wonder if I'll need to cancel my plans to go to the lake tomorrow or not..mmm okay either way... just a normal girl... not all drama drama drama in my head.
In the conversation ex boyfriend mentioned that he (the ex boyfirend not the dad ) had had 16 beers and 4 zanex (not uncommon for us to be honest about where he is he knows I know etc) he just told me of his own accord. He's very 'functional" or used to this ammount ..so he was still actually able to talk..just like he allways has been when drinking.
I offered to help with arrangements, he said no he wanted to do this on his own.. I said okay... at this point I thought of leaving...he had said no he didn't want to be alone,,,then I was concerned about maybe he would feel differently after some sleep,when sober (about my helping with the arrangements) so I said I would sleep on the couch for a couple of hours (while BF slept it off, so I could make sure he was okay, and still did not want help) I still feel like this was an acceptable idea--maybe not the strongest "take care of me" as I really did want to leave and move on with my weekend.
Well,,,(okay you knew this was coming right...he put the moves on me ) the loving caring deeply for him part of me felt the same desire to be close to him but just a little... I had NO intention of going there...here is the awesome part...I told him that I would do anything to comfort him EXCEPT hurt me...and that was that...(okay after a few tries and a few repeats) that was that.
later this morning I verified that he still didn't want any help with the (rather complicated) arrangements...he said no again and I left...after he apologized many many times for putting me in an uncomfortable spot....
All this sounds fine and normal (his wanting comfort, being a man and wanting sex..our history.etc.).all not a problem.
This morning he did ask me to make one call to the funeral home telling them he would be late..in the process of making this call his new girlfriends (didn't know about her) text with picture and message comes through(okay I'll admit I then scroled through the history and pics etc. (she is very beautiful (((smile)) it was obvious she was not a brand new girl-but maybe not yet at the "I love you" stage but talking every day, having more "fun" than he and I ever did communicating, I was always too serioius ( so what I'm thinking at this point is that I'm glad he had found someone who can be more casual and fun in a relationship and that I hope and can be that way with any NEW people I may meet in the future and that I'm sorry I was such an intense drama queen BUT it's in the past and I learned from it...and I did not mention that I had seen anything from her. although he did ask me if I had "seen anthing to upset me" and I said absolutly not.. I am not surprised at myself! Yet I don't think just a few weeks ago I would have been like this at all,,,, Im OKAY WOW hope it last!!! have every reason to believe it will---primarily because I didn't "let myself go there" and I thought about me and what was best for ME!!
I apologize for the length...it may seem simple to some,, yet just a short time ago I didn't see how I could even breathe, if anyone else is hurting and wondering how they will ever move on I wanted to share . ... my higher power is AWESOME to me! so awesome I love you higher power.....thank you, thank you for teaching me how to love me..I know I've only felt this way a short while please help it last for the rest of my life.. I really like feeling like I will be okay... I did not think I would be okay for so long.... I really didn't know how great it can be... it was not that I didn't want to know how to take care of me, before it was that I didn't "feel" it before... I couldn't .. I was broken... your repairing me in your own time in your own way,,, please help me be there for anyone in any way I can when I am ready... please help me be what you want me to be!!!
Good for you in being able to stick to your program, take care of you and still be able to be there for you ex.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
When the student is ready...the teacher arrives. That had me holding my breath because of my own experiences with it; times when I did it your way and times when I did it the old way which kept the pain level way up there and the voices in my head all running around and screaming. Thank HP just like you teach here and thank Al-Anon just like you reveal here. Thank you Glad for this share. I does work when you work it!!
I know in my heart not only did your HP teach you how to love yourself but also, how you take that overflow and pass it on to your ex boyfriend for fun and for free.
I am amazed how you were able to still be of service with the texts and pics of the new girlfriend in the picture. That shows loving detachment, still being able to be of service to another person that is in a dark place as a result of a parent passing.
Wow that is a huge gift to someone to be there when their father has just died.
I know I would feel the string pulling a lot. The ex A went through a terrible depression when his mother upped and moved two states away very suddenly. She just got married right out of the blue!
I think I would feel a little miffed if I got a picture of someone's new girlfriend whoever they were after I had put in that kind of effort. I would wonder why he didn't call her?
The ex A who I was with was really clear about separating out his life. He had me deal with all the hard stuff and all the fun stuff went to his friends, neighbors, co workers. There was no "fun" for me.
As someone who's given till the dropped I am far less in a hurry to rush in and help others these days. It isn't because I'm not giving. I am. I am just in a mode where I'd like reciprocity rather than to"give' because I can.
