The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was telling her about something my dad had said to me, and she bluntly said "that's abuse". She said the same thing about a couple other childhood moments I shared with her.
...I'd heard of verbal/emotional abuse before, and had come to the conclusion that A) it's mostly something made up by the self-help industry and not a real problem, and B) it doesn't apply to me, I'm being a drama queen about normal childhood occurrences. I told her those things.
Her response? ...rather than try to argue with my perception, or tell me I was in denial, or any of the other things people have done before when I mentioned my dad's behavior, she pointed out that I had said my mom is an ACOA, and asked if she might have picked a husband who in some ways reminded her of grandpa.
WOAH! ...that just triggered a major shift in perception.
I still absolutely will not use the word abuse. I think that that word should be reserved for more serious problems like physical or sexual abuse, which I was fortunate not to experience. ...but, put within the context of comparing dad to grandpa, I can see that some of the things he says are way out of line, even if I don't consider them abuse.
My head is spinning... deep down inside I think I knew something wasn't right, but I felt guilty even thinking it... but now that I'm allowing myself to think about it, different versions of reality keep blurring in and out of focus, like those Magic Eye things where you cross your eyes to see in 3d...
-- Edited by atheos on Saturday 24th of September 2011 12:47:06 PM
I still absolutely will not use the word abuse. I think that that word should be reserved for more serious problems like physical or sexual abuse
Call it what you like but abuse goes way beyond the 2 forms you mention.
It's a wonderful thing when our eyes are opened and we begin to see ourselves and the world around us in the light of truth. Some people might even call it a spiritual awakening. Enjoy the moment and your new insight.
Aloha Atheos...stay grateful and open minded for the sponsor you have. Great and good sponsors can do very magical things to my recovery and understanding of the picture I arrived with to Al-Anon. One of my sponsors taught me great lessons on "perceptions" ...what was real and what was mine... and allowed me all the time in the world to keep investigating. Abuse was only one of the subjects which became more highly contrasted and real for me when I became an Alternatives to Violence mens' case manager here at home. Thank you God for the opportunity. I learned to recognize abuse for the tiger it was even after years of perceiving it as a tiny little white mouse which wouldn't hurt anything. I loved my Mom and she was skilled at mental and emotional manipulation and abuse coming from her own upbringing. It was her defense and reaction from where she came and what she learned might work for her as she grew up. It was her way of trying to maintain control of her life which included her children and not have to deal with the fear of it all. It was suggested once that I watch the movie "Mommie Dearest" and I did and I came to understand more of my Mom and more of how I reacted to my own life which I was living at that time. Some of it still hangs on and because of the program is not near as bothersome as in the past.
Great post...thank you. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 24th of September 2011 04:28:52 PM
in my book- my personal book its called abuse too. when you have something special- like a child who regards and loves you and yu are nasty to that child- you are abusing the bonds that God gave you. you are abusing someone else's feelings and their right to a peaceful mind and self esteem
that said....i think it can be complex- sometimes the person doing it doesnt know its abuse...and would be a light bulb moment just as much for them too. sometimes they are so wrapped up in their illness and are very sick people.
I pay special attention as to what my sponsor says to me, even when I don't like hearing it. I keep a willing spirit and an open mind in knowing that what she shares with me is grounded in love.
When a counsellor I was seeing first said that it sounded like I had been abused as a child I had the same response as you. I was not abused, those people that write books were abused, now that was bad. She agreed that those people TOO had been abused. My head spun around, my mind would not stop playing that tape... child abuse,,, child abuse.... surely not me.. I wasn't abused... was I????
I wasn't beaten to a pulp physically, in fact I was hardly touched (by my parents anyway), but I did experience child abuse. I call it mild abuse so as not to discredit the people who were (in my mind) seriously hurt physically for a very long time. but yes, what I went through was abuse... you know what though... we can recover from that. And that is what we are here to do. Labels can be negative I am sure of that, but in my case at this point in time, it gives me an area of research to understand my present andhow the past affected it and how to move on from it.
